I, I know I know, but blogsome is so anti-customizable! I need bigger! I need better!

I’m over here (for good this time.)

Look at me America (from the east coast to the west coast worldwide) I’ve got wheels!

Atlanta. Ain’t. ready.

After much persuasion and kissing up, I’ve been allowed to take the po bug to Atlanta for transportation purposes. It should be an interesting experience as the po thing isn’t too reliable, but it’s gotten a new engine this summer as well as a few new other things. Also there’s actually a mechanic that fixes old Beetles so it all might be okay.

I’m just excited I won’t have to rely on other people for rides anymore…and gas won’t be too bad either. It fills up with 20 dollars a month down here which might translate to maybe 30 in the ATL. That’s still a shame though. I remember when you could fill up the po bug for about 10 bucks about ten years ago.

First purchase with the next paycheck will be a MP3/CD player though. I ain’t haven’t that devil’s music filtering through my speakers.

In other news…

I don’t appreciate my phone sometimes. Since we live out in the boonies, I have to sit in the middle of the front yard and wave it around to catch a signal. I was doing as much the other day and the neighbors’ children watched me wearily. (I sported a loud headscarf and was cursing in my own special way…)

Their parents were already concerned when they saw me taping an umbrella to the lawnmower to keep the shade off of me. It’s hot out there though! Shoot…

In still other news…

We just got back from visting a sister in Orlando. She was her usual self, cordial for about a day then putting on the “it’s all about me” attitude she’s known for.

Now me? If it weren’t for this blog, no one would ever know what’s really going on in my head. Moody for me is just extra quiet and I really don’t cop attitude with anyone, ever. My sister on the other hand…

“Father” once said she wouldn’t get along with Jesus.

And the thing is, he’s right.

Anyway,

The trip was somewhat uneventful. It’s kind of funny, the thing about going to tourist towns like Orlando is that you never really see “black” people. I mean you see black people, RARELY, but they’re never American.

But that’s cool though. I was talking to a dude from Kenya yesterday and he told me what my name meant in Swahili (church).

Still though, never in all my life was I actually wanting to see a person wearing an oversized white tee with matching sneakers and hat.

It’s a bit like my last day at home today. Going to visit my sister for the rest of the week and then return to Atlanta this weekend. I guess I’m ready…to go back…actually I’m ready to go back and I’m not.

I’m always anxious about who my socializing group will be because I tend to hang out with older people. During sophomore year, I didn’t really have a group. I made the mistake of not having friends outside my boyfriend so when he was off doing his thing, I kind of didn’t do anything.

Junior year it was made up of prophytes that were my roommates, but three out of four of them graduated and the remaining one fourth lives off campus.

Now I am the older person and the only older group of people are the grad students who I never really see around anyway. Hopefully though, we’ll get a good crop of transfers in. For some reason, they’re the people I’m always drawn to. (Ex was a transfer from Xavier, another close friend was also from there, 50% of last year’s group was from Fort Valley State University…)

I don’t know what it is about Tech Students, but it seems like a lot have something stuck up their bootys. Everyone is so competitive and anti-social for the most part. I mean, you’ll be walking down the sidewalk and everyone will have their heads down, their Ipods on, or will be talking to their parents on their cell phones to avoid talking to someone in person.

The transfers from HBCU’s seem so much more open and bold. For instance, one of the things that attracted me to the ex was that he actually dated, I mean traditional, hey let’s go to dinner and a movie date. AND he asked in a traditional “that’s how it happens on TV” kind of way.

That doesn’t happen at Tech. EVER. I don’t even think people date. They just have relationships and/or “relations”.

Most of the transfers we get are from Morehouse, Spelman, or Fort Valley. They’ll get a degree in Math. Chemistry, or Physics in three years and then come to Tech for some type of engineering degree. Most of the people in these programs tend to do really well, much better in fact than their counterparts who start at Tech. Why that may be prompts heated discussions among native and transfer Tech-ians. Some claim that a math at an HBCU may not be as tough as it is at Tech where we don’t even have classes like college algebra.

I can’t really say too much about that. I can say though that classes like Calculus, Physics, and Introduction to Computer Science are all weeder classes at my school. They separate the boysss from the mennn (have you seen that Sonic commercial? Hilarious.) The average GPA for those classes is about a 2.5, and that’s for the first Calculus and CS classes. Java and Calculus II? They separate the living from the dead. I mean, my Calc II class’s average GPA was a 1.3. Yes you read that right, ONE POINT THREE.

Well what made it so hard? You might ask. Tech has this mentality that makes them want to combine multiple subjects in one class. In Calc II we covered what most schools would separate in three different classes there was: Matrix Algebra, Introductory Differential Equations, AS WELL AS actual Calculus II subject matter. No one ever curved grades, and if you didn’t understand, shoot if the WHOLE CLASS didn’t understand like my 1.3 GPA class, the professor was still be like “f you.”

Which is the general consensus of Tech professors actually, “f you. I’m here for research money.”

I think the students from HBCU’s do some much better because they come from a place where their professors care more, they have smaller classes sometimes, and class material is presented in a way that’s easier to learn. They come in with a confident foundation instead of one that says, “people tell me to f myself.” Also, they come from a place where students talk to each other.

If I had to do it all again, I would have definitely gone to Southern University for a degree in Physics then transferred to Tech for some type of engineering degree…probably Industrial Engineering. I feel like then I’d be more confident, more social, and I’d be able to look back on college as a positive time instead of a, “man, people always told me to f myself” time.

I guess though, I’ll just have to make the most of this last year in some kind of way…

My pride has been damaged…Presumptuous people suck.

Anyone read Brutha Code’s comments lately? If you’re out there “Byran”. I have been fully aware of the capabilities of “view source” since the age of 12. You ain’t teaching me nothing new… pfft. I fart in your general direction.

I don’t know why I’m so bothered by criticism constructive or otherwise. Someone could say, “I think you should wear white instead of blue” and I’d want to slap their mother. I think that’s one aspect of myself that is very male…I’m very prideful and sensitive about my sh*t.

In other news…

I was watching “The Jacksons: An American Dream” Today. Man, that is one of my favorite movies. I can act out so many scenes from it…

“You’re a lair, and cheat. And I don’t want ‘chu. I don’t want ‘chu, I don’t want ‘chu, I don’t want ‘chu, I don’t want ‘chu no mo’…”

LMAO.

It made me think about movies that would raise the credit limit on one’s black card.

Of course there are the staples like Color Purple, but what are some other classic movies?

Do the Right Thing, Malcom X, Boyz in the Hood, New Jack City, Cooley High, The Wiz, Glory, Roots, The Godfather, Scarface (why those two I do not know…), The Five Heatbeats, Crooklyn, Shaft…

Was in bed this morning trying to get inspiration to get up (sometimes I wish church started earlier so you could be out by 11, but Mother’s country church starts at almost 12). my mind drifted to how I like to nourish people, spawning a couple of more entries into my Hope Chest. Here are a few new scenarios.

The Nurse

One of my favorite fantasies is to nurse the husband/boyfriend back to health, especially if they have a particularly heinous cold. I think for the most part, I would apply and embellish upon what my mother did for me back in the day.

In my fantasy, I’d dress him in one of those Hanes undershirts and some boxers (minimal clothing for his fever).Before he goes to sleep for the night, I’d rub him down with Vicks Vapor Rub (I swear that stuff is so great) to help with respiration. I’d wake him up every once in a while to give him orange juice (or Sunny D, whichever is preferred) and reapply Vicks as needed. I wouldn’t be too far in case he needed me….maybe across the room in a rocking chair sewing (I keed, I keed)…I guess the modern version of that would be: “I’d be across the room in a rocking chair working on my laptop.”

During the day I’d sit him up on some pillows and put his favorite movie or shows on a nearby TV. He’d also eat traditional stuff like soup and sammiches.

(Yeah so I bet you think “relations” was supposed to be somewhere in this fantasy, right? Not all of my fantasies involve “relations” you know. Besides a fevered penis might be too…hot…hmm….)

The Side-Vagina

Now for marriage I have a lot of ideas on how to keep the spice. The “Side-Vagina” idea is based on the fact that sometimes you want to be spontaneous and have some kind of dangerous excitement.

This scenario would take place during the weekend. Husband and I would spend the entire day separated, him with his boys me with my girls or with family or whatever. When night comes though, we’d meet somewhere like a club with said boys and girls.

There we’d wear our previously purchased out of character (at least on my part) apparel. (I might even wear a wig or something.) And we’d role play being two people who have never met. Now the continuation of this Scenario is in an Uncensored part of this site, but to be short, said Husband and I would be all “hot and heavy” in the club and eventually end up at a hotel somewhere instead of home.

He could have his forbidden fantasy of tapping the buttocks of a stranger while married, and I could have mine of being the “bad” girl who responds to REALLY BAD pick up lines in the club and gives away the vagina anyway because dude is attractive.

Home From Work

This is another scenario I have several versions of, however this one is much more tame. Sometimes, as a black male, it’s extra hurtful to be patronized on the job. After a hard day of “persecution” at work, they feel run down and beaten by Whitey “the man.”

On such a day, upon reading the expression of Husband when he arrives home, I would be sure to let him know through a series of events, that he is the head of at least one operation (of course you might be like he’s the what What WHAT KaNisa? You seem like you would be averse to that idea. Having some male control you? But it’s not about control, dearies, at least on his part. You know that saying, “the man is the head of the household, but the woman is the neck…”)

So upon his arrival I’d give him a kiss that would let him know that he is very much desirable and then rush to get his favorite slippers. I’d hand him a beer (or whatever type of alcohol he likes), push him toward a TV, and toss a newspaper his way so he can veg while I put the finishing touches on dinner.

At the table, I’d make small talk, not wanting to prod too much as I know some people just don’t want to talk that much when they’re upset, (I’m one of those people myself). After dinner, I’d push him out the door to de-stress with some physical activity whether that’s working out, doing yardwork (hey that’s what I do!), or playing ball with his boys.

When he returns this time, I’d expect him to be significantly less stressed. He’d take his shower and would theoretically be more frisky after reasserting his manhood. I’d let him have his way with me for the 15 or so minutes he’d probably last, (as he’d be tired after such a long day), letting him know the he was the man and that he could handle his business in the process (of course not using those words, lol, you know how us women do…). Finally, he’d fall asleep, reinserted in his role of “the man” and ready to take on the world.

…

Wow I am so idealistic about marriage, that’s hilarious…lol

Not doing too much tonight. I’m in between packing , making a new layout, reminiscing with RealPlayer’s playlist.

I honestly have nothing to say today. My creatively ability has been exhausted … I’ve worked on too many layouts today. Here’s what’s on the playlist

Immature - Please Don’t Go
LMAO! Flashback to that Immature concert…front row seats when they were the stuff back in the day, beeches!

Aaliyah – At Your Best
Memories of cruising through Houston to nowhere in particular…I actually, I can’t quite remember…I think we were heading in a REEALLY roundabout way toward San Antonio.

Tevin Campbell – Can We Talk
I remember my oldest sister bursting in my room after bedtime to read some lyrics she made to this song for some class in junior high. I also remember not caring that much.

Zhane – Sending My Love
Another cruising through Houston song. I don’t know why there are so many of these…we really didn’t go that much. The images of La Quinta Inn also comes to mind as I think that was the hotel of choice when we lived in the Lone Star State.

Sade – Is it a Crime
Back in the day, I used to see Sade records laying around the house all the time. For some reason, I equated with “father” having an affair with Sade. Yeeeeaaah…

Coolin’ At the Playground - Another Bad Creation
The first “rap” song I learned the lyrics to. (I was in like the first grade…upshut.) LOL me and my pigtales acting all hood…lmao.

I swing my beats .. at the playground..ya know!

Have you ever seen Imitation of Life? There are two versions, the one about the pancakes (circa 1934) and the one about the actress (circa 1959)…

For the uninformed, Imitation of Life is about two friends, a black woman and a Caucasian persuasion woman. The black woman has a daughter that looks white and constantly tries to pass resenting her mother and her color. The movies follow their relationships and their struggles.

I’m watching the 1959 version and it makes me wonder, if you lived back when during a time when racism was especially prevalent and you could pass for white, would you? I mean Sarah Jane is depicted as such a selfish girl, but can you really blame her?

(By the way, dang…these actors are so melodramatic, but it somehow works.)

I think this movie is one that should never be remade, especially after the more recent remake. I prefer the 1959 version, but the 1934 version is historical in its own right. It was way before its time…

I didn’t like how they remade Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner (the most recent one), I don’t really consider the original too much of a comedy…Sidney Poitier had some pretty serious speeches and it seemed like its remake was too trivial and lacked the appeal of the predecessor.

I was reading the IMDB Message boards and someone said an updated version of this would be the daughter bringing home another woman as her fiancé or a man bringing home another man. That would certainly be more intriguing seeing as that’s as taboo now as bringing home a black person back then…

Note: Okay I’m sorry for all the Prince jocking lately, but dangnabit, I can’t help it. I’m in the infatuation phase….

While I was driving along with my mother the other day “Adore” came on the radio and Mother casually mentioned that she’s met Prince before.

I was like, “WHAAAAAA?!?!?!” and swerved off the road to give her my full attention. It turns out that when we lived in Michigan, my mother’s friend came to visit. Mother was dropping hanging out with said friend at the hotel where they saw a man that looked very much like Prince. My mother pointed him out to her friend and said, “hey he looks just like Prince!” and he smiled at them. They went over and lo and behold…it was him. They didn’t ask for an autograph or anything (bishes) but they did sit and chat with him for a while. He was in town for a concert (which by the way my parents had front row seats to but DIDN’T GO…BISHES!) She said he was very nice and not as dramatic as he’s depicted in the media.

Mind you this was prince circa 1984 or so…

I stared at my mother in silence for about five minutes after that story. Her stories are so funny. Out of the blue she’ll drop bombs like, “I met Denzel Washington at Pappadeaux’s yesterday,” and then walk away.

She asked me if I knew anything about the background of Prince. Usually whenever I become infatuated with a celebrity, I find out everything I can about them…birthday, birthplace, sibling information, etc. I was surprised to realize that I knew nothing about my new harem inductee. I’ve done a little research today. I bring to you

A Short Prince Biography

Born Prince Roger Nelson June 7, 1958, in Minneapolis, Minnesota

Prince was born with music in his blood. His father was a Jazz pianist and encouraged his son’s musical talent, buying him his first guitar at a young age.

He has a one sister, Tika. She is two years his junior.

His parents divorced shortly after Tika was born.

Due to a troubled relationship with his stepfather, Prince ran away. He lived with his father for a while then later with a neighborhood family, the Andersons.

Prince befriended that family’s son and together they joined Prince’s cousin Charles Smith in a band called Grand Central, formed in junior high school.

By the time Prince had entered high school, Grand Central evolved into Champagne.

Prince’s first album for Warner Bros, released in 1978, was titled For You.
The majority of For You was written and performed by Prince, except for the song Soft and Wet.

Prince was backed in the 80s by The Revolution, and in the 90s by the New Power Generation. He also worked on different occasions with famous jazz and funk musicians, such as Miles Davis, Larry Graham, George Clinton, and Maceo Parker.

1987 saw the potential for two of pop’s biggest stars coming together to perform a duet. Michael Jackson talked with Prince about performing a duet together for the title track of his new album Bad. Prince liked the idea, seeing as Jackson was his main rival in pop stardom, so he agreed to it. However, Jackson and Prince ended up having creative differences in the lyrics and beats for the song. Finally, Prince left the project when he thought Jackson wasn’t making the song dark enough.

On New Year’s Eve of 2001, Prince married his former Paisley Park employee Manuela Testolini and became a Jehovah’s Witness.

Tevin Campell, Carmen Electra, and Jill Jones are among his many protégées.

I have yet to have anything to say today.

It’s my parents 32nd wedding anniversary. They’ve been together for 43 years (since middle school). I’d rather not talk about that though. Not trying to be negative as of late.

I am hungry though…contemplating a brownie.

Took a couple of those blog quizes…

You Are Midnight

You are more than a little eccentric, and you’re apt to keep very unusual habits. Whether you’re a nightowl, living in a commune, or taking a vow of silence - you like to experiment with your lifestyle. Expressing your individuality is important to you, and you often lie awake in bed thinking about the world and your place in it. You enjoy staying home, but that doesn’t mean you’re a hermit. You also appreciate quality time with family and close friends.

Your Hidden Talent

You’re super sensitive and easily able to understand situations. You tend to solve complex problems in a flash, without needing a lot of facts. Decision making is easy for you. You have killer intuition. The right path is always clear, and you’re a bit of a visionary.

Ah today was such a busy day. There was ripping and running all over the place!

My mother scheduled a hair appointment for 11 this morning. Here are the results:

I’m not too keen on the hairstyle. I’d picked it out from an Essence magazine, but it looked better on the model. I think she had shorter hair…

My mother decided to get her hair done as well so we were there for a good three hours. She had to go to a doctor’s appointment before I was done though so the stylsit dropped me off at the office. As it was about 3:30 or so, I had to grab the keys from Mother and drive home to change clothes for work at 5. (We live about 30 minutes out of town.)

I threw some threads (lol) on and careened back to town in about an hour, still having time to grab a burger from Burger Kang. (Of course I mean Burger King, but you know older black people and how they mis-pronounce things and add an s to everything… ie “walmarts,” “kmarts”, etc.) I haven’t been too fond of beef in the past since my mother cooked it all the time and I became jaded, but I’m slowly gaining back a tolerance for at for the sake of my booty and breasts plan.

I moseyed on in for my last day of work, taking care to sashay past the male at the booth outside my store. (WHAT? The male carries himself very well and dresses in a way that makes me week in the vagina knees. I’m a sucker for a business/business casual dressed penis holders.)

He made eyes at me too so it wasn’t in vain.

Nothing too much happened at work. I convinced the booth male to reserve Madden (it never fails) and got his phone number in the process..although I won’t call it. I also got two other phone numbers and some compliments on the new do, but I’m still not fond of it. I think it’s too busy or something…I don’t know.

I enjoy the ego strokes though. There won’t be many more for a while as I plan to live in my bed until the return to hell Tech next week.

On an unrelated note:

You know what really wets my whistle (okay sorry that was a little too graphic, but I’m just saying…)

People who are really good at what they do.

For instance, Dave Chappelle.

At first glance, he’s not particularly aesthetically pleasing. However, after watching his show, and seeing how funny he naturally is, as a female, I can’t help but be “moved” by that. It’s so gratifying to see someone use their God given talent and really nurture it to the point where they become masters at their craft.

Same thing with Prince. He’s not necessarily easy on the eyes, but his love and serious interest in his music makes him sexy. The BET Awards really sealed it for me. He was so confident and had such a presence…so about the music…

Even Mr. Jackson…”The Way You Make Me Feel” video. Boyish, smooth dance moves, very particular in the quality of his product…Yes sir.

Even just simple things are “yes”-able. Like my former as of today boss, I would never in a million years indulge anything, but the way he was straightening his store and doing meticulous things to make it the best it could be was really attractive.

So the overall message for today: People who have a talent and develop it, nourish it, give thanks for it, and master it, are very admirable, attractive, and have an influence over my ovaries.

…

Maybe that’s because it makes a fallopian tube wonder if the male would be that attentive too other things…

So the overall message for today REVISED: Males who take thier females and develop them, nourish them, give thanks for them, and master them (in a sexual way of course), are very admirable, attractive, and have an influence over female privates.

A worker from another store in the area came in to see how we were running our operation today. My manager has a habit of hiring girls he finds attractive whether they have experience with games or not and said worker thought I was one of those girls.

He was saying as much to his friend when I happened to be standing nearby adding, “I bet she doesn’t even know what she’s talking about.”

“Can I help you?” I asked.

“Uh yeah, just a question. Do you even play games?”

I cocked my head, “how old are you?”

“Seventeen.”

“I’ve been playing games since before your father deposited you in your mother’s rectum. Perhaps you should do your research before checking me.”

He didn’t have anything else to say after that.

…

Okay so none of that actually happened.

An associate did come in from another store, but all he did was smirk at me. I wanted to regulate him, but being fired on the day before my last day wouldn’t be worth it.

It other news…

It’s the start of a new week. Nothing too much planned. I just finished eating my booty and breast plan meal for today. (Yukon Gold Potatoes. They are quite tasty.) The Itis is starting kick in though so this entry will have to be short.

Oh and I have to promote this. My company’s conglomerate which includes Gamestop, EB Games, Babbage’s, and Barnes & Noble among other stores also has an entity called Movie Stop. It’s basically the same as Gamestop, but deals with of course movies. You can buy, sell and trade movies in for cash and store credit, and the movies you buy there are cleaned, shrink wrapped and guaranteed. I got all three seasons of Chappelle’s Show for under 30 bucks! I was really excited about the idea of the store and how nice it looked and everything…if there were more, it would definitely put places like FYE or other movie buying places out of business…

Nighttime can be the most vulnerable time…

I was looking through my MP3 collection for a song of the moment and got caught up in a cycle of sentimental songs. One song in particular I really like, but it makes me…not sad, but…emotional, maybe even upset. The song is Forever, For Always, For Love by Lalah Hathaway.

I love the song. It’s such a beautiful work, but it just reminds me of someone. On one of my better days, I feel like it would be a perfect first dance at a wedding, and even think, “man if I had the money, that would be the perfect wedding gift for someone…hiring Ms. Hathaway to sing at the reception or something. That song describes their situation really well”

…but I’m not that big of a person.

It’s so easy to make up excuses or explanations for why something happened or to justify why something worked out the way it did, but most of the time, I think that’s bull. I am so bad about doing that. I always try to make connections, make up justifications, or have these periods where I’m like, “the situation is handled,” or “I feel this way because of this” or “I’m not in love invested in this situation” When it actually really isn’t handled, I feel what I feel for a different reason, and I’m internalizing a conflict of interests. Lately, my way with dealing with my feelings have been by ignoring them or trivializing them to make them go away, but that’s not really working.

But at the same time, it’s weird, I don’t even know about this situation anymore. I really have no idea. The fact is that when I’m directly dealing with the situation, which is not even that often, I feel nothing or even I feel a bit annoyed? Agitated? Like I’m enduring it but not really getting anything from it? Like “why am I even in this situation?” Why does the situation even care?” I’m all anti-situation.

But when I just think about the situation in passing or when I think about what the future holds, it almost makes me sick.

I don’t understand why. It’s been so long…too long…I don’t even know what my heart is tied to anymore. I don’t even know what the situation is about or even who the situation is.

But the idea of the situation soon being handled permanently by someone else makes me sick.

Maybe I need to take up Tae Kwon-Do again…I’ve got some issues I don’t even know how to articulate…

…

Spaghetti! Spaghetti! Spaghetti! 8 Mile!!! *NSFW

LMAO…there I feel better now…

Had another dream of note though I can’t remember too much about it. I was on my honeymoon and it was night. I was gazing out the window at the ocean while I waited for my husband (an ageless, faceless, culturally ambiguous, male). When I heard his voice (which was generic), I turned around and the room turned into a giant hot tub. He was laid out on a floating bed beckoning to me with his eyes.

I went over to him ready to get it on for the first time and he said he had a surprise for me before we could get said getting. We waded out of the room to the hotel lobby and saw a bunch of people we knew, one of them being the distant cousin of my ageless, faceless, culturally ambiguous husband. (After a while, although my husband was ageless, faceless, and culturally ambiguous, through context clues I began to figure out who he was in real life). We rubbed it in his face that our relationship worked out and felt somewhat gratified. Then Husband led me outside by some people holding gifts for us (which were DVD editions of our favorite TV shows) and by a chorus singing said TV shows’ theme songs to the sidewalk across the street. I understood that what I was about to see would be his gift to me.

The gift turned out to be a parade of my favorite things. There were things form color guards and people dressed like my favorite computer games’ characters to a “broadway/Macy’s parade” type presentation of Moonwalker (the Speed Demon part with the bunny). I was so excited and felt so appreciative of this parade he worked so hard to organize, I wanted to back to the hotel room and have hot relations (lol) all night, but he kept me sated in his own way until the parade was over(which shall not be described here as it is a Sunday and I must retain my good girl persona.)

It was an interesting and very stimulating dream.

In other news…

Went to chuuuch today.

My mother’s church is the stereotypical black church people always hear about. In fact, I don’t really like anything about it but the actual sermon. I’m a terrible person, but I just had to write down and share some of the things I observed this morning/afternoon:

They had the most country and inarticulate person leading the devotional prayer. He started out strong, but after a while between the “mmmMMMMMMMMM”’s of the congregation all you can hear were fluctuations in his voice. I wanted to say, “can’t nobody hear you! With your country…”

During pauses, just as I opened an eye to see if he was done, he always went on with some new incomprehensible thing. I also noticed that people were lifting their heads and looking around every once in a while just to make sure we were still supposed to be praying.

After about five minutes or so, I took the opportunity to see if my phone was off. Looking around before I ducked for my purse, I noticed that people were just sitting around chillin…eyes all open, having conversations even…doing everything BUT praying.

It was an MMPH, Mmph, mmph moment.

Halfway through the service I received my MLK fan and a few minutes later, the organist finally made it in and flubbed her way through the offertory song (which by the way the choir didn’t know.) They were flipping through hymnals and looking at each other in despair to the amusement of the congregation.

And speaking of offering, people who ask for change ought to be shamed. Especially when they give a dollar. Someone was like, “give me 75 cents back.”

MMPH, Mmph, mmph.

Judge not lest ye be judged I know, but for real guys? For true?!

That’s so nasty yet so funny at the same time…

One, two, three, four, feeeeiiiff…

Hilarious…

Went shopping. There was actually a nice selection at the places we went although we still had to spend the rest of the rest of the afternoon altering the clothes to fit me.

Nothing much else happened today.

I got a call from work. Turns out Little Richard from the other day came by looking for me which is a little alarming. I remember him asking if I worked on Saturdays to which I responded I did, but I never thought he’d come back looking for me. I wonder what he wanted…

In other news…

I watched A Thin Line Between Love in hate last night. Chick was CRAZY!

However it made me think. What would I do if my husband cheated on me…

The words castration, alimony, and death come to mind…but mother says I couldn’t get away with two of those legally.

On the real though? That would make me so crazy from the betrayal. After waiting however many years not only for someone I could trust my vagina with, but for someone I could trust with my life or someone I would honestly give my life for and he cheats on for some desperate skank who can’t get her own man?!?!

HAAAAAAIIIIL NAW!

I swear, he would have to remove himself for at least six months (especially if she isn’t cute). Shoot, castration and a jail term might be worth it…taking away the one thing that’s most important to him since obviously it isn’t his LIFE PARTNER…

The deal was “till death do us part right?”

I GOT YOUR DEATH RIGHT HERE, BUDDY!

…

hooo….

Sorry ya’ll. Just the thought gets me heated.

Honestly though. I’d rather my husband/boyfriend just tell me if something is wrong or if some need isn’t being met rather than cheat and act like everything’s okay. I mean you can’t get a way with that for long, even if the cheating isn’t physical, a woman’s intuition always knows…

“The sweetest woman in the world
Could be the meanest woman in the world
If you make her that way
You keep hurting her
She’ll keep being quiet
She might be holding something inside
That’ll really, really hurt you one day…”

…

*points
Till you do right by me, everything you even think about gonna’ fail.

…

along with your penile excursions…

Love can really change people.

I have an aunt, my favorite aunt in fact, that has a history of heartache. She made herself tough from it as a result, being distant and sometimes mean so people wouldn’t get close to her or hurt her…that was until she met Uncle Jay.

My favorite uncle, Uncle Jay was the perfect type of boyfriend/husband. He was the kind you read about in romance novels…or the kind in that song by Shanice “Every Woman Dreams.” He spoiled her so much both emotionally and materialistically…and he was just so nice…it was like he canceled out her bitterness with his love.

After my aunt met him, she really changed. She became more open, more loving. She was the family matriarch almost. It was always really inspiring to see them together. Her and my uncle’s relationship became the staple of what relationships should be.

A few years ago, Uncle Jay died of fast acting cancer. It was absolutely devastating to everyone, and especially of course for my aunt. She’d had to wait over 40 years to find the love of her life, and she only got to spend maybe 20 with him, if even that much. I went with her to see him before the Wake, and I’ll never forget the way she fell apart. She kept asking him why he left her. She could hardly even stand from her sobbing. She was just so utterly devastated and it was so heart wrenching to watch her and know you couldn’t help.

My aunt has a new boyfriend now. He’s cool and everything, but he’s no Uncle Jay. I think though, that even though there are so many trials and tribulations that come with being in love, you haven’t truly lived until you’ve experienced it. My Aunt will be forever changed because of Uncle Jay, and for the better. I can’t say she’s the complete opposite of what she used to be, (I mean she called my poor little cousin a “water head nigger”…lol) but Uncle Jay broke down her barriers to let people love her and let her love others.

Richard Pryor was the man…

Is Carly Simon a man or a woman? I’m not entirely sure, and you can’t tell by listening to her/his songs as back in the 80’s everyone was singing three octaves higher.

Regardless though, that song “You Belong to Me” is so…what do the kids call good things these days? “Fire” or something like that?

That song is “that fire.” From the first couple of notes…it has a “that’s my jam” quality to it.

In other news…

Work today wasn’t too bad. Young Grasshopper from way back when came by for a visit. He’s back from college with a bigger head than ever. He’d called last night regaling his wild times/fights/conquered females but I had to rush him off the phone. I’d forgotten how much he rambles…and I promise he says “like” about 50 times in maybe 15 minutes.

It was nice to see/talk to him though. It’s always nice to have ego boosters around.

I’m going to miss my job…especially the perks. We have this thing where employees can check out games and movies for “employee education.” I didn’t really take advantage of it like I should have, but it’s still a great perk…it’s a bit like free movie/game rentals. Today I checked out Chappelle’s Show Season 2. For education…of course. Might have to use a certain DVD watching method I learned from a friend on this one…mum’s the word.

So…yeeeaaah…

Remember my little chat with “Cleo” the other day?

Remember how she said I should stay away from a person named Alex?

Well…guess who I met today. Rhymes with phalex.

Turns out I did know who he was. He works at Ryan’s (or at least he frequently wears a Ryan’s shirt) and periodically comes in the store to flirt and ask for my phone number. I periodically (okay well more like regularly) turn him down.

Today he came differently though. He handed me a jewelry box from one of those random mall kiosks and asked me out. I asked if he was joking. I didn’t mean to be mean, as in “are you joking you don’t even have a tenth of a chance” (even though he doesn’t) but I meant it as, “are you for real?” Regardless though, he took the pre-rejection well. He stood and attempted to complement me saying things like “you look sexy as hell today…with that skirt…pretty feet…damn” and molested me visually.

I felt violated.

“You know, women with self respect are not at all moved by a male who “compliments” (I added the finger quotation marks for emphasis) them that way,” I said, “I think I’m offended.”

“Oh you don’t like dudes telling you you look good?”

“Oh I do,” I said, “but I prefer comments that are respectful. From what you’ve said, I can tell you aren’t that interested in me.”

“Oh I’m sorry then. I’ll be more respectful next time.”

Ten minutes later he came back with a ring and offered it saying, “to show you that I’m serious.”

I laughed and told him he was silly and he left.

So I guess that’s the Alex I’m supposed to stay away from.

I’ll have to be extra careful when commuting to my car I guess as some males don’t take rejection well. I have been worked up lately though. Sometimes I wish someone would try something with me. I’m getting tired of using my Tae Kwon-do skills on punching bags…

It was really strange though to realize that “Cleo” wasn’t randomly making things up. I really thought the Alex thing was completely random. It’ll be interesting to see what other predictions of hers come true…

Another male also took a special interest in me today. Here’s a picture of him:

Okay that’s Little Richard, but I swear, he looked just like him. Gerri curl, mustache, and all.

I saw him walk from across the food court and straight to the counter to talk to me. I was felt bad for inwardly making fun of him when he turned out to be a nice man. Plus he let me sell him a hundred dollars worth of merchandise so I couldn’t complain….at least until his questioning me made the line build up and I had to tell him to move along.

Not too much else happened today other than suppressing urge to call someone I shouldn’t be calling. Also, on the drive home, three songs came on the radio that I was thinking about in passing…almost like I willed them to come on…and they related to that other person “Cleo” was talking about.

All very weird…. O_O

A Two parter because I’m trying to speed time up until I must turn something in.

Do you ever hear a song that just sends chills up your spine? While I was attempting to avoid a heat stroke on the way to work today, I popped the Rent soundtrack into my cassette tape player…

Oh and for the curious, this is my car.

I not even sure there was air conditioning for cars back in 1967. Plus mine hasn’t been updated since about 96 when cassette players were big so…yeah

So back to the Rent soundtrack being in my cassette player…

If you haven’t seen the play, please do treat yourself and pick up the movie from your local Blockbuster/Movie Gallery/Hollywood Video/movie rental place of your choice. I promise, you won’t be disappointed. (Also be sure to watch the feature on the show’s creator Jonathan Larsen first. It’s long, but it’ll make you appreciate the movie so much more.)

There’s one song toward the end of the movie that is one of the most cathartic songs I’ve ever heard in life. Every time I see that part of the movie or every time I listen to the song, it honestly sends chills up my spine, makes me cry, and just everything. I’ll link to it here.

I’ll Cover You (Reprise)

I mentioned the regular version of this song a while ago. That one is good too, but this one…oh this one…*tear. It may be one of those songs you have to see performed in the context though. It comes at a very pivotal and emotional part of the movie/play.

In other news…

Angel.

I mentioned the other day that I was doing an all night marathon. Turns out that this show is a bit too heavy to watch consecutively. I’d forgotten that this show differs from its predecessor (Buffy) in that it’s much darker. It’s more than them killing the demon or vampire of the moment, it’s really going into the human psyche and talking about things that are deep in there and not available to the public for a reason.

For example, there was an episode where Angel rescued a demon from a special prison in Heck to appease a rival and save one of his colleagues. It turned out that this demon was so imprisoned because he brought out misogynist feelings from men and caused them to kill women.

Okay you might say, that’s pretty messed up, so what?

I’ll tell you what. There was a part of the show where one of the main characters who fought for good was possessed by the demon’s power. He was chasing the person he loved and making some really misogynistic comments, but the things about it was, me, being a pretty feminist person myself, was almost convinced that his comments were justified. I mean, he was REALLY convincing and if I were a male and as bitter as I am as a female, I would probably say the same things.

It’s scary, but also relatable.

That’s the thing about Angel. It talks about things that bother people and really makes it human.

Another episode, though not directly relatable. For the uninformed, Angel is a vampire with a soul. (Vampires don’t usually have souls thus they can kill and maim without guilt.) He and a soulless vampire got it on and produced a child. The child turned out to have a soul as well and altered the feelings of his mother while she carried him. She, one of the most ruthless vampires in the history of the show (even since Buffy) came to love her child as the soul of her offspring was affecting her. She was afraid though that once the child was born, she would lose the loving feelings and try to kill or hurt her son. She visibly struggles with this for an episode and later kills herself for the sake of her baby.

See?! These episodes are much deeper than Buffy with the boo vampire, witty comment, kill the vampire, and everyone’s happy again plots.

I’m going to try to finish the rest of these Angel episodes tonight. I apologise for any future moodiness that might result from such a marathon.

Maybe I should lesson to that song to de-emote…

P.S. Did anyone catch Moral Orel Sunday Night on Adult Swim? Was that out of control or what?! I didn’t know whether to be appalled or thoroughly amused…

*sings* Summer breeze makes me feel fine…

Except when it’s 210 degrees and I’m driving a car with no air conditionerrrrr…*

Today was the excruciatingly long day of work. Six hours may be a normal or even short day for most people, but there’s only so much you can do in a small store with hardly any customers for that long. ..

Nothing interesting to report on this mundane Monday. I was accosted by a male of the Caucasian Persuasion, but I felt that he was much younger than me. Plus I’m not sure I’m ready to go all “Something New.”

I don’t know what it is. Back in the day when I was the only black person anywhere, I didn’t see a thing wrong with interracial dating. In fact, I was a bit prejudiced of my own race. Whenever I WAS around my black peers, they thought I was snobby or that I “talked white” so I in turn believed they were all judgmental and rude.

When I lived in Texas, mostly black males dated white females or latino females. Black females stuck in the race. (This was the trend for the 13 and under crowd who really shouldn’t be dating anyway.) I got my first crush on a black person at age 13. Well technically, he was mixed (mother was Mexican father was Black). It was an unfortunate humiliating experience though as a girl that liked him, Holly I think her name was, quite “experienced” at the tender age of 13, thought I was a loser and told him as much.

Mississippi, ironically, was the melting pot of interracial dating. In the 14 to 18 crowd, black dated white, white dated asian, hispanic dated asians every combination you could think of was going on. There were two black males in my 8-12 grade private school so there wasn’t much of a selection. Crush of early high school years was Chinese this time (oh yeah, I was multicultural). He was smart, larger than life, extremely nice, and aesthetically pleasing.

In the middle of junior year, I moved to Southwest Georgia. Interracial dating? OUT OF THE QUESTION! There were three black people in my class of 60. The school I went to was what I thought the Mississippi one would be like. Once again a private, parents would stare at me and wonder how I could afford to go there. Coaches always confused me with the track girl that was a year under me. (We both were black and had longish hair. That was the only similarity.) People were calling people the N word, incredibly rude parents…one actually thought I was a janitor there! (Which by the way, why are all of the janitors black down here? That bothers me…)

College. Not that many black people go to Georgia Tech, but it’s the most I’ve ever seen in life. Since I got my first boyfriend freshman year (who was black and the first male who was ever mutually attracted) I believed in and embodied that saying “once you go black, you never go back.” I can finally say I LOVE black people. We are so beautiful and unique…

I was reading this book about racial identity “Why are all the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria” by Dr. Beverly Daniel Tatum and she talked about people who’ve grown up with similar situations as mine. She says when some people finally get to a place where they’re around more black people or when you reach a certain level awareness, they become almost consumed with the idea of being black. “The third stage in Cross’s model, immersion/emersion is characterized by a strong desire to surround oneself with symbols of one’s racial identity, and actively seek out opportunities to learn about one’s own history and culture with the support of same race peers.”

I have to say, that’s definitely me since I’ve been in college. I find that my prejeduceness has switched around. I’m more suspicious of the intentions of other races. I get weirded out by inter-racial dating, especially black/white, I feel victimized around people of the Caucasian Persuasion, and get especially angry when some patronize me. (I despise being patronized anyway, but still.)

Luckily, the book says it’s normal and that this fierce racial identification is a phase.

What do you think about psychics, really?

Personally, I’m not sure if I believe in them. I think most of the time, they say generic things that could apply to anyone like, “I see that you are disturbed by someone close to you,” or “I see that you are troubled at this time.” Who would that not apply to?

Regardless though, at work one was giving out free readings so I thought I go have myself a look-see. Here’s what she said: comments

By the 23 of the next month I’ll have love & peace of mind

Whateva. Interesting time frame though. Classes start on the 21st of August.

She predicted the shopping trip I’m going on next week and said that I’d run into an old friend who will give me good news, but I’ll take it the wrong way.

Urm okay… o_O

She asked if I knew someone named Alex and said I should stay away from him.

I don’t know anyone named alex. I told her as much and she said I”d meet him soon.

I asked her about one of my sisters and issues she was having. Didn’t learn anything new in that situation, but I relayed the information to her anyway. She needs all the help she can get.

Then she asked about someone who’s on my mind a lot. I’m not going to go into what she said about that though. I think she was pulling it out of her butt-tocks. Unfortunately, despite me trying to change the subject, she used up the rest of my free break minutes talking about them. I honestly didn’t prompt her to go on that tangent, but she was adamant about trying to tell me things…

I guess she wasn’t sensing that I was there to talk about ME. Plus her grammar was atrocious. (Not saying mine is always correct, but she was extra bad.)

I don’t know though. I always get curious about the future especially when I’m not feeling so great about life. I’m not sure it’s good to know that future though. If something that you want is predicted to happen, and it actually doesn’t, then…

Actually, I guess that isn’t a reason…people’s expectations always go haywire.

I don’t know. I guess…I think it’s better to remain ignorant and have no expectations then to have them not be met.

I just think some of the things she said were…hmm…

Work today was soooo looong…

It wasn’t that we weren’t busy, quite the contrary, we didn’t have a spare moment. Games were flying off the shelves! Systems were flying out of closest! My expertise in video game trivia was constantly being tried…

However, today was long because….

My co-worker STANK-ed!

I mean, I was like why do you smell like musty armpit! I tried to covertly waft deodorant toward her when she walked by but it didn’t work. I know it’s hot, shoot, even I carry around extra toiletries just in case, but there is no excuse to smell like ASS-phalt.

And then she had the nerve to spray herself with some bath and body works stuff! That don’t cover funk sugar…

Good gracious!

In other news…

I’m going to do a test next week. I don’t have to work next weekend, thank goodness, so I thought it would be fun to sit and observe people at the mall for a while. I think I’ll take a notebook for note taking and dress flatteringly (is that a word?!) for ego boosting opportunities. (That’s not the reason for doing such a test, I really do think the people of Southwest Georgia could be humorously documented and organized in groups.)

That’s for next week though.

My parents came by to visit my job. They were double dating with the neighbors next door. “Father” and the male next door are lovers. (Not really, they just hang out a lot with their car fixing, yard working, and motorcycles…)

…

(hmm..)

The females (my mother and neighbor’s wife) also hang out, but not as much as the males. I had to chauffer them home as they were tired from shopping. I swear, the conversation was so dull and just I don’t know what.

Mother:“I did laundry today. I just have to put it up…”
Female Neighbor: “Mmm hmm.”
(silence)
Mother: “Where was that barbecue from?”
Female Neighbor: “Parker’s in Sylvester. They have good sandwiches too.”
Mother: “Oh really?”
Female Neighbor: “Mmm Hmm.”
(more silence)

Female Neighbor talks about her husband’s sister visiting. She complains that they stay up all night playing dominos.

Female Neighbor: I don’t really know how to play myself.
Mother: Neither do I. I can’t play cards either. You know how they shuffle and everything? I can’t do that.
Female Neighbor: Mmm Hmm…
(even more silence)

30 minutes worth…oh excuse me TEN minutes worth of conversation of no substance (it most mostly silence). It reminded me of pictures of old ladies sitting and drinking tea in their sitting rooms while their husbands are doing something masculine. (“Father” and his lover were speeding ahead of us, weaving in and out of traffic.) I had to keep myself from driving off the road to spare us all.

Glad to be home though. Free of stench, sad parents, and ready to make it a night of junk food and a nostalgic series I’m a bit embarrassed to admit I like…

…well whateva I liked it! Bu.ffy the Va.mpire Slay.er was a good show…despite it’s corniness…and so was An.gel.

And Da.vid Bore.anaz is a good looking male of the Caucasian Persuasion.

So I’m not embarrassed. Not in the least bit…

I love Autumn.

September 1 starts my favorite time of year (I know that’s not the first day officialy, but indulge me). Temperatures are cooler, leaves are changing, fireplaces are burning, and the most rewarding holidays of the year are back to back.

September

Football! (Or at least high school football. Georiga Tech sucks pretty bad…) I have fond memories of freezing my ovaries off while cheering my team(s) to victory (my high school won the triple crown my senior year). Marching Band was especially fun. As a member of the color guard (not the weak flag waving people but the “bad-a” flag throwing, riffle spinning kind of guard) I enjoyed the long bus rides and performing in front of hundreds of people as the token black girl of Mississippi private schools. It was like I was the side show, let me tell you…lol

October

Halloween! FREE CANDY!

Okay well I’m not a big candy eater contrary to popular belief, but the act of trick or treating was an institution in my family. Forget those traditional pumpkins to carry around candy in, we were packin’ PILLOWCASES!

November

November is my favorite month of the year. It’s the token month of autumn and the most romantic one to me. I want to have my wedding on November 22. Curiously, I didn’t know it until just a second ago, but November 22, 2008 is a very convenient Saturday… (even though I don’t believe in psychics, one said I’d be married sometime in 2008 so that’s where I got that year from…)

Thanksgiving…

FREE FOOD!

Or at least free food from loved ones. “Father’s” side of the family has some legendary cooks. In between that Thursday and Bayou Classic time, everyone gains at least 10 pounds.

(Oh and for the interested, Bayou Classic is back in ‘Nawlins this year.

December

Christmas….

Christmas is my favorite holiday. I LOVE Christmas carols, movies, decorating, making cookies cakes and popcorn balls, HOLIDAY KOOLAID (a secret family recipe) seeing everyone get into the spirit…it’s not the same without snow though.

Every year since I can remember, it’s always been tradition to watch the Christmas shows that come on TV. One year, I guess there was a sale because my mother bought about 20 tapes and gave them to us for Christmas presents. We were like, “thaaaanks.” (I mean who watches tapes when it’s not Christmas?!?! Well…at least AFTER Christmas…)
After that, I always made it a point to watch one tape a week leading up to Christmas (yes I realize that’s about 5 months worth of celebrations but I double up on some weeks so it’s maybe 2.5) with the last three tapes being The Santa Clause (with Tim Allen), Home Alone (The first one), and A Christmas Story (with Ralphie and the gang). The classics like Miracle on 34’th street are viewed on Thanksgiving as it comes on that day every year on NBC or something. But yeah. I still have that tradition now. The tapes come back to school with me when I go home for Labor Day.

New Year’s Day

Pffff. I don’t really have emotions about New Year’s Eve. Once again, the tradition is for the immediate family to be together so parties with peers are illegal. Usually it’s just everybody does their own thing until 11:55, we gather to watch Dick Clark countdown, at midnight we clink glasses of Welch’s Sparkling Red Grape Juice, then we all disperse and go back to what we were doing.

Nothing spectacular.

Anyway, gotta get through one more month, but then it’ll be the most wonderful time of the year…

Back in the day, I used to have the most vivid dreams. They would be so action filled and I would remember every detail about them, but these days they hardly seem to be of any consequence, or at least I can’t remember much about them other than that I had special powers and could manipulate weather and energy.

I just woke up from a semi-interesting one though so I thought I’d write it out.

We were having a house party (curiously, it looked like the house I was just playing with my Sims). There was music, people in pools, etc. I was hungry so I looked for something to eat while waiting for my neighbor to show up. He looked like Mic.hael Ea.ly and I had a long going flirtation with him. I was planning to have relations with him when he arrived. (WHAT?! IT’S MY DREAM!…shoot…)

I had a brother. He recently purchased an anaconda looking thing as a pet. He kept it in our backyard swimming pool and was attempting to make a nice habitat for it. As I was passing by on my way to get a cookie from somewhere he asked me to go to the local hardware store to pick up some supplies.

It didn’t take long to get said supplies as they were already set aside. I was coming out of the store with them and saw a little girl sitting in a pickup truck. She happened to be the sweet little girl that lived across the street from us. I asked her how long she’d be there, and it was understood that she’d give me a ride (why was I trusting a little girl to give me a ride?!). Just as we were about to pull off, the storekeeper came running outside with some other supplies my brother wanted. It took him another ten minutes to bring out the rest of them, and the little girl became more and more agitated that she had to wait. When I finally received everything, the girl slammed down on the accelerator, and the truck careened toward a house. She went through a crazy Exorsist-like visage change and crashed us through.

She kept running into houses and stairs to people’s houses in a crazy way. I asked her questions ranging from, “are you sure you don’t want me to drive?” to “do you think you’ll get away with this?” When she replied with snide and or arrogant remarks about people never suspecting her, I decided to get a record of her saying such things. I tried to keep her talking and pressed the record button on my phone, letting it capture her ranting and sounds of crashing into things. When I thought I had enough, I took the next opportunity to tuck and roll out of the car when she slowed to make a turn toward another house.

By the time I made it home, everyone already knew about an out of control person crashing into houses. However the story was a bit embellished and starred me as said driver. Detectives were there (one of which who was my neighbor that looked like Mr. Ealy) to hear witness stories. It was then that the format of my dream turned into Law and Order: SVU…I’m talking….the “screen” went black and a voice said,

“In the criminal justice system, sexually-based offenses are considered especially heinous. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad known as the Special Victims Unit. These are their stories…. ”

*bong bong*

[KaNisa’s Family] Home
29434 Stone Mill Drive
Boulder, Colorado

People preceded to tell their versions of what happened. I was the primary suspect for the house wrecks as everyone thought the little girl was sweet and innocent. By the time it came to be my turn, people were, “MMPH, Mmph, mmph”-ing me.

I calmly recounted my story. People were riveted not only because it was so interesting, but in the dream, I was a very attractive female. After playing what I’d recorded on my phone for my captive audience, everyone was convinced that I was innocent and went off to lynch the girl.

After it was all over, Detective Ealy cornered me. I took him by the hand and led him somewhere where we promptly had relations.

THE END.

*dum dum*

*do-do, do, do doooooo….*

Hoo…

You know, mood swings are really interesting. I just came through a particularly long one, but I think I’m finally done with it. Sometimes you have to reach a low point to learn from your mistakes and move on…then you’re presented with an opportunity to apply learned lessons.

You know that saying, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade? We’ll I’ve been making an orchard’s worth of lemonade today.

Got a demeaning call resulting from a misunderstanding. Instead of letting it overtake me and make me upset, I assertively, confidently, and stood up for myself … think even I surprised them.

Later, I even went as far as to step out on a branch and reach out to someone I have frequent conflicts with. Low and behold, I found a common thread…the persecution of neos by their fellow sorority sisters. I had a positive conversation with my line sister and encouraged her in the way of the serenity prayer:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

I think we both got off the phone feeling much better.

I tried to make a peace offering to my parents by making desert. It went over well. I think I ate too much of it though, my stomach is protesting a little.

It also helped that I found the following picture in the most recent Essence magazine:

Yes sir Mr. Ealy. Yes sir.

All is right with the world…for now.

Sorry about the last entry I just needed to purge some things. I thought I would write about something normal to show I’m not completely suicidal…

One thing I can’t complain about is my lifestyle and tastes. I think of myself to be more classy than secular. Institutions can’t get by with just being ordinary with me.

Clubbing? No thanks. Going to the mall? I’ll pass. Going to the movies to see the latest blockbuster? Mayyybe. Depends on what is though.

With money and a companion, I like doing cultural things. I enjoy the theatre, and try to make it to Fox Theatre at least once a semester (that stuff is expensive for a po college student!) The last time I went, I saw Alvin Aliey. I also enjoy going to jazz concerts, art museums (I’m a member of the High Museum), and animal exhibits (zoos, aquariums).

I want to learn how to play golf (well). I’ve never made it past the driving range though. Those clubs are heavy!

I like going to the movies, but I prefer the more intellectual or book adapted ones to mindless blockbusters. For example:
King Kong? No
Lord of the Rings? Yes.
City of God? Yes
Superman? No
Pirates of the Caribbean? Guiltily yes, but only because of my favorite actor (Johnny Depp) and Caucasian Persuasion Eye Candy (Orlando Bloom)
Soul Plane? HAIL No
Devil Wear’s Prada? Yes
Anything with the Wayans Brothers in it? No

With Music it’s already known that I love smooth jazz, R&B and oldies. I also like pre Britney Spears era Pop (like Sting, Phil Collins, or Bruce Hornsby) and alternative (like John Mayer). I intensely dislike Rap, Hip Hop, and modern “R&B.”

I’m an avid reader. The genres range from African American Sociology to Fantasy. Favorite books include but are not limited to Dostoyevsky’s “Crime & Punishment,” Lewis’s “Chronicles of Narnia,” and Nella Larsen’s “Quicksand” and “Passing”. Guiltily, I also like some Dickey books, “Friends and Lovers” is my favorite.

I also read Japanese graphic novels (otherwise known as manga). I’m not as avid a reader as I used to be, but my favorites are CLAMP’s “X”, Takahashi’s “Sailor Moon,” and “Ranma ½”. I’m currently reading Kare Kano, which is a bit of a guilty pleasure…but whatever.

For Domestic Vacations

I don’t like Destin. I thought it to be presumptuous and crowded. I wasn’t impressed by the “emerald waters” (which weren’t really emerald) and the “exclusive resorts.” They weren’t that nice. It seemed like a perpetual college spring break kind of place to me. Instead I prefer Key West because it’s more laid back and quiet. When I go to a beach, I want to just relax and enjoy the beauty and peacefulness. There truly is emerald water there and you can spend time diving or golfing…very relaxing.

I also like going to places like Savannah, Charleston, or the Amish farms in the Midwest. It’s very interesting to visit places with such rich histories. The last time I went to Savannah, I went on an African America History Tour. One of the first black churches in the country is there. On the pews, different tribes made marks to mark their sitting areas. You can also see a hiding place in the basement that was part of the underground railroad.

For International Vacations

In regard to beaches I think the Caribbean is very nice, but it’s also overdone. For a tropical vacation, I’d rather go to somewhere more exotic like to the South Pacific, or even the islands in the Indian Ocean.

As far as other places, I’ve always wanted to go to Jerusalem, (though I think that’s out ruled out now), Rio, (there are some attractive males down there!), Cairo & Alexandria (such great minds there), New Zealand (no where in particular there were some beautiful vistas on LOTR so…), and on a cross continent tour of Asia to hit all the spots where my favorite authors were.

So in summary, I’m a think outside of the box kind of person who finds pleasure in the unordinary (for most people).

I really don’t have anything to say today, or maybe I do, but I don’t want to say it.

Do you ever have days were life is just not cool? It’s kind of like a cycle, you have your good days and your bad days…my current state of “bad” could be just me PMS, but it has been kind of rough lately…

But let me stop with that as then I’d get in to what I don’t want to say.

I fell asleep around 7 last night and woke up again around 11. After watching some adult swim and some Golden Girls, I poked around the innanet to pass the time. I’ve left the facebook world as the spam is not appreciated, which should cut down on traffic, but I don’t really care. At least now I can be more honest.

…

Eh, forget what I don’t want to say…it is my blog after all.

The following is written at a time of low self esteem. It explains a lot of things about me, but may not be for those who read blogs for entertainment. You have been warned. In fact just skip it. It’s kind of pitiful…

(more…)

Went to work today. It was pretty slow as it was storming pretty hard outside, but I did notice a few things.

First though the random trivia….

Did you know Whitney Houston originally got the part of Denise in The Cosby Show? She didn’t sign the contract though because it was required to be available for every episode and she wanted to pursue a career in crack music.

Big League Chewing gum is still the isht.

My mommy gave me a nickel,
To go and buy a pickle,
But I didn’t buy no pickle,
Instead I bought bubble gum…

For the uninformed. Big League Chewing gum is a special kind of gum that is shredded to look like chewing tobacco. I could never get the right amount of this gum…I always overshoot it and end up with a big wad of sugary goodness. I tell you though, the flavor lasts and lasts and lasts… Half the pack is gone though even though I just got it today…

15 Year Old Male Makes Purchases from Victoria’s Secret.

Why? I know most males become sexually active around 12 or so, but you’re buying Victoria’s Secret for some chick already? Really?

When I did my trademark MMPH, Mmph, mmph, my boss asked what offended me. I said nothing, but he followed my line of sight anyway. He said and I quote, “someone’s getting busy tonight!” I was horrified. “That boy couldn’t even buy a mature game a minute ago. He has no business trying to be grown and buying people lingerie.” Boss said, “maybe he’s dating someone older,” and I was all, “can’t be too much older, then it’d be statutory rape.”

Boss is convinced that if I have a son, they’ll be gay and/or afraid their penis will fall off if they even think about having lascivious thoughts about a girl…

But he also frequently gets customers’ phone numbers even though he’s married with children so I don’t really care what he thinks.

Sorry…lol *Toning down male hate

Black males are drawn to sports games

99% of the black males visiting the store today did one or more of the following:

1. Stop at the 360 to play/watch someone play NCAA Football 07
2. Pick up and read the back of Madden 07

It never fails. Whether they are Ray Ray’s, fathers, or seemingly upstanding penis holders, they all have that habit.

Three ways to tell if a male is talking to a female on the phone

3. There is a notable change in voice tone (more flirty/masculine…ny)
2. He stays on the phone for more than 7 minutes.
1. He says, “I’ll call you back let me get out of (the mall/the store/any other random place)”

All characteristics were displayed by a male fulfilling the theory black males and sports games. (He was playing NCAA on the 360 and later picked up Madden to see what it would be like.)

Kids younger than 14 should not have a cell phone.

I swear I saw too many kids with cell phones. What do they need them for? I could see why you’d give your kid one if they started driving or something like that, but your 11 year old doesn’t need one, seriously…same rule applies for laptops…

Man has too much money on his hands

A man came in today and paid for a Premium 360 system and three brand spanking new games (Retail value around $600) in cold hard CASH. I’m talking 6 crisp 100 dollar bills! I was like “GOOD LAWD! WHERE DO YOU WORK AND HOW CAN I GET MONEY LIKE THAT?!” You would think that maybe he saved that money up or something, but the way he threw the money down like it was change proved otherwise. His son even bought a few computer games with a few hundred dollar bills from his wallet. Which reminds me….

Kids have too much money in their hands

It’s a frequent occurrence when kids come in with 100 dollar bills to pay for things. “Well KaNisa,” you might say, “maybe their parents just gave it to them while they were somewhere else in the mall.” Nuh uh child, most of the time that’s the kid’s money because they’d try to buy a Mature game and can’t get it because a parent isn’t with them. Man, I WISH my parents let me handle that kind of money when I was 10! I don’t think I’ve ever been in possession of cash like that. I’m too paranoid! Debit cards for me!

Male pats head in the “I’m about to get a touch up so I can’t scratch my head” sort of way.

You know how females pat their heads to avoid burns during perms? Well I saw a dude do this whilst exhibiting black male sports tendencies. Have I been out of the loop or am I right in thinking that this isn’t a normal male mannerism?

Alright I think I’m done for the day. Interesting day today. I’m sure though that this proves I am desperate need of a social life as today has been the most social day in months even though I was just observing people…

Just got back from a cousin’s wedding in Destin, FL. She’s the daughter of my AKA cousin that died a while back.

The ceremony was absolutely beautiful. I was weary about going as I feel the same way about funerals as I do about weddings, especially now…the thought of weddings kind of make me throw up in my mouth a little….I don’t know why. I usually refuse to go to either life altering ceremonies voluntarily unless they’re mine, but I’d never been to Destin before (it’s overated by the way). I really only went for inspiration as she had the kind of wedding I’ve always wanted…a beach wedding.

I’ll just let the pictures speak for themselves (sorry about the quality, they’re actually just screencaps from a video camera.)

The reception was family members doing every form of electric slide-ish dance created. There was second lining, bus stopping, and stepping in the name of love-ing, all in the hour or so we were there. I was like

“…”

I think the only difference I would have is to have the reception on the beach as well (not that I’ll be AT the reception any longer than necessary… )I’m just saying…after all these years of abstinence. It’s going to be like, “you may salute your bride,” shove the cake in the groom’s mouth, and throw my bouquet at some random person while pulling him down the aisle to the honeymoon suite….

…

I’m just sayin…

My dog died today.

It was so unreal. I’d just gone out to give her some water and mess with her some. When my father came home, I could tell something was wrong or that I was in trouble because he just sat down at the table in front of his dinner with a pissed expression on his face and tapped his fingers. He sat there for maybe five minutes before he said, “go give your dog some water.” I knew I’d just given her some, but I figured he wanted to talk to my mother alone or something so I went to give her some.

I didn’t have to go far. I saw her laying on the pavement dead. I stared for a few minutes before going back, then went and sat at the table again. I asked, “how did she die? I was just out there a little while ago and she was fine. Lively even.”

He looked at me like I was lying and said, “must have been loneliness and lack of love.”

He told me to get a shovel and dig her a grave. He also moved her next to me so I could have a constant reminder of what I was doing. It took hours. We don’t have dirt in southwest GA…it’s clay…and hard as a rock.

Really? Mr. I beat my dog with pvc pipes? Really Mr. I’ve had medicine for her eyes for months but never used it since I wasn’t home? Really Mr. I say I’m going to kill her when she runs away?

I never blamed her for running away when she did. I was worried, but she’s just doing things all his daughters wished they could have. I really wanted to say, “no she couldn’t have died of that. If anything could have died of that, everyone in your family but you would be dead as I don’t think you have any concept of showing affection or love outside of berating someone.” As far as I’m concerned emotional abuse is just as bad as physical abuse. I have no idea why my mother won’t stand up to him…

He really had the nerve to blame me for killing my dog. My dog I got in high school because I was lonely, my sisters were gone, and I was in a new place without friends. My dog that has been my companion for the last seven years. That really was the last straw. After everything “my father” has done…I really have lost all respect for him.

Rest In Peace Akanie. I hope you’re happy and loved wherever you are.

Na-na, na-na, na, na-na-na…
Na-na, na-na, na, na-na-na…

Ceeeeelabrate good times come on!
Na-na, na-na, na, na-na-na…

We’re FINALLY getting high speed internet in the boonies!

After years of torture and heartache, they finally saw fit to add a high speed internet tower to the boonies of southwest Georgia. I am a little weary though. We live on the outskirts of the range of the services, but I’m hoping and praying we’ll still be able to be blessed…PLEASE LORD HAVE MERCY ON OUR SOULS! JESUS WEPT!

In other news…

I’ve been living under a rock about what Tom Joyner calls “World War III” goes. Biblical Apocalypse prophecies not withstanding (there’s a whole chapter that talks about what’s going on over there right now) I think it’s time to get a bit concerned. Since I’m getting a steady income, I now qualify for paying for my own gas as well as the gas of any car I drive (even though I only get them when Father dear had driven them to almost empty). Do you know how much it takes to fill up a 30 gallon tank with medium grade gas when prices are 3.00+?!?! A solution must be made now! Can they just have heated debates over there without violence and terrorism?! Shoot…

Still though, if they come to peace over there, or at least have a truce, it will still be time to be concerned. Get prayed up people, for real. According to the Good Book, a truce of seven years will mark the beginning of the Tribulation Period after which will be heck on Earth. You might want get right before all that so you can be put on the VIP list for heaven and get in before all that goes down and the prices go up.

I’m just sayin’….*puts away “The end is near” sign and goes to get a sammich

Just a reminder (until I can think of something to write about)

Different World marathon tonite!
Nick At Nite
Check your local listings for times.

Relax, Relate, Release!

Driving home from work today, I flipped through the pre-set stations to find some relaxing music. I came to the “#1 Station for Hip Hop and R&B” and was appalled to hear the following lyrics

“Ride that thing like a dirt bike”

And something or other about a motorcycle.

I wasn’t quite sure whether this song was referring to a dance or a new sexual position. At first I thought it was a new phrase for a certain popular sexual position., but then he said something along the lines of “put your hands on my hips and ride it like a motorcycle” which made me rule that o….WAAAAIT I guess it still could be a sexual position, or practice (one that rhymes with fead (lol)) .

But my point is..”ride that think like a dirt bike?!?!” Isn’t that the most random idea in the world? And why is the song so complicated? I don’t like hippity hoppity music, but I listened to it just to figure out what he was talking about.

All of those Atlanta Hippity Hoppity songs are trash. I know this song is old, but “Laffy Taffy??!?!” What is that?!

What happened to talking about the trials and tribulations of black people (like Public Enemy or even Warren G). What happened to random rap odes to clothes (like Dickies and Houseshoes by Pimpsta ….what you know about that? Was that song even big outside of Texas?… “I Dickey down with my houseshoes bout every day. So if you don’t like what I’m wearing you can get that *bleep up out my face…”LOL.)

I mean, I wasn’t a huge listener of rap back in the day either, but I remember the days when Tupac, Biggie Smalls, Bone Thugs, Dr. Dre, Snoop, Warren, Public Enemy, NWA, Nuaghty By Nature….all them ruled the airwaves. Tupac an ‘nem must be rolling over in their graves with this isht they call “rap” today…

MMMPH, Mmph, mmph…

YEEEAAAAHHH! YEEEEAAAAHH!!! Yeah….

(More fist pumping…in the air)

My favorite show ever is now going to be syndicated on Nick at Nite!

Starting Wednesday July 19th at 10 pm eastern, there will be a four hour block of…

“I know my parents loved me
Stand behind me come what may…
MMMM
I know now that I’m ready, yeah
Cuz I FIIIIN’LY heard them say….”

IT’S A DIFFERENT WORLD!

After that, it starts regular syndication on July 22 Monday – Friday at 10 PM.

I know it’s been on Oxygen since forever, but now it’s available to everyone (for the most part)!

Season 2 of a Different World also came out on DVD a few weeks ago. Add it to your collections everyone!

KaNisa! You just won 100 million dollars! What are you going to do!

Host points the mike in my direction and waits expectantly.

I’m going to…

Pay off my student loans!

*Crowd cheers.

My mother has been a loyal Publishing Clearing House customer for over 30 years. I always wondered how those sweepstakes people got their money, but I think I’ve figured it out. Mother always had random stuff come in the mail like sew on hem strips, hand held sewing machines, or flashlight key chains. I think they con people into buying their junk under the pretense that it helps their chances. It’s a travesty I tell you.

100 million dollars though…what would I do with it…

For real the first thing is pay of those loans.

Next…I’d buy my mother a new car. She’s never had a new car for herself in her life, and since she’s putting me through college despite my father’s attempts to cut me off, she deserves the whole world.

I’d give my parents 5 million, 2.5 million per contributed gamete.

My sisters would each get 2 million.

10 Million to my church.

1.5 million to the national sorority and 1.5 million to my chapter.

For the national sorority, funding should go to undergrad initiatives only. As it states in the purpose, one of the main focuses is to maintain a progressive in COLLEGE life. I think some people forget about that small tidbit..*grumble grumble…

For my chapter, it would be that most of said funding will be used for dues/intake fees. If it happens that new members are invited and make it in to be a part of my chapter, then they won’t have to pay intake or national dues while in undergrad and for two years after graduating. However, to receive post graduation funds, they must be an active member (and I mean for real active as in doing things) in their chosen grad chapter. The other part of fees are for official sorority business only (ie regional fees, sending people to Boule, etc. not buying outfits for step shows or anything like that. ) I’d have a close eye on the usage of my money…

…

actually….

I’ll just say I’d have a million set aside for them and they’d have to write a detailed proposal anytime they wanted money. Good business practice.

500,000 to my chapter of NPHC.

100,000 to my chapter of NSBE.

1 Million to a Georgia Tech Endowed Scholarship in my name.

1 Million to my old school in Mississippi as they were so good to me. (for real! The people there were, ironically, the best friends I ever had!)

1.5 Million to the extended family bank account.

10 million to invest in my video game store domination strategy. (I ain’t tellin’ what is either! It might be in the works one day!)

10 Million for charities.

3 Million for investments.

15 Million for myself (cars, houses, trips, male servants (lol), etc. )

The rest for my future spawning and their spawning and their spawning …which none of them will get until they turn 30.

(Of course after all that, there won’t be that much left (about 40 million), but they need to not be lazy and have jobs anyway…)

Yeah…

Went into work this morning. Black people don’t do right. My store manager didn’t come in until an hour after he was supposed to so we were all waiting and about to leave. The other black person came in 30 minutes after him. I was like boo + boo=boo boo…

I love Sundays though. I had a glimpse into my future (or at least how I want it to be). I’m imagined driving from an exhilarating church service on a beautiful blue skied Sunday, to the grocery store for Sunday fixins. I was hosting Sunday dinner as always for my friends and we were going to watch our favorite (TV show? Movie?) together. It would be a great start to every workweek. Chillaxin’ with friends.

I haven’t decided if I want to get a condo or an apartment once I graduate and start working. The house is ruled out for at least five years. Gotta save up for the kind of house I want. Priority purchase out of college though is a really nice car.

I LOVE driving. It’s so relaxing. I remember driving home from high school…I would be mad or annoyed by something, but by the time I got home(30 minutes later as we lived out in the boonies and I didn’t go to the nearby public school) I was completely zen. My future car will be the ultimate driving machine. ( By the way, I’m waiting for a while before purchasing my BMW. That’ll be the “for the future once I’m established” car. 0 to 60 in how many seconds? HAIL YEAH! )

My car for work and pleasure car will be will be one….

That has a manual transition (no sissy automatics for me!)

And a sun roof.

And is perhaps one of the following:

Nissan 350Z

I really like these cars. I think they’re hot. Kind of reminds me of that loser lexus car in Minority Report, but it’s 100 times better (I have issues with Lexus cars…actually I have issues with American cars in general except ones made by Chevrolet…that vette…*orgasmic sound ….Lord forgive me….).

2007 Eclipse Spyder

Speaking of hot cars the new Eclipses look really nice. I think I’m really digging the look of futuristic looking cars. Can’t you see me tootin’ around in one of these?

SAAB 9-3 Sport Sedan

Even though Saab sold out to GM, they’re still fun to drive. The fam used to have one until my dad wrecked it. It was a Saab 9000…the manual transmission car I learned to drive on…*tear

Alright let me go now. I’m getting all excited…

There’s going to be a Transformers movie! There’s going to be a Transformers movie!

Imagine my surprise… whilst watching the trailers in front of Pirates 2, a certain trailer comes up about the rover sent to Mars. It said the last mission it was sent on was top secret…the camera on the rover only just got the shadow of a transformer into view before the transmission was cut off.

When “Transformers” came on screen I was like, “YEAH” and pumped my fist repeatedly into the air like Atreyu did while riding Falkor in the Neverending Story until some nearby moviegoers started at me in fright.

I can’t say I know the names of any of the Transformers (except Voltron and Megatron) or even that I even remember the plot (except that two battling transformer (races? Species? Rivals?) battled…each other…) , but I do know, waaaaaayyy back in the day, probably before I could even read, I was watching Transformers on TV and had a large collection of coloring books. My mother even said she used to watch it back in HER day. I guess it was something we had in common.

transformersmovie.com

Countdown!

Boom chit boom chit-chit-chit ka…
Boom chit boom chit-chit-chit ka….

I remember the first time I played Sims 2. After playing the original one and hearing about the lovable characters going high tech, I was all up on the fansites for news. After it came in the mail (as I’d pre-ordered it and it came on the day it was released) I ran to my computer to install it. The first cut scene showed all the new capabilities the sims had. You could have kids. Your kids actually grow up. Your kids have kids. Any offspring have genetics of their grandparents and even great grand parents. You can Woo Hoo (Sim for “have relations) in places other than beds. You can visit different business districts or downtown areas. Your sims can go to college. You can own your own car dealership, or toy shop, or restaurant, or club, or hair salon…etc. You can drive cars, you can die in new ways…all in fantastic CGI.

The Sims have had a special place in my heart ever sense…

Despite my love for my Sims, I hadn’t been playing like I used to back in the day it just wasn’t as interesting as I thought it once was.. However, since my purchase the newest expansion pack game (Open for Business), I’ve found myself spending an inappropriate amount of time in my own little cyber world. I don’t know what it is about it, but for some reason, owning a business is too much fun.

(And before you say anything, I do not exist in the following group of people. Why make a fake name? KaNisa lives in another neighborhood in a Condo on Jambalaya Island (lol)…I’ll show those pictures next.)

Here’s the universe:

The Pierce Family

Name: Dulany Pierce
Sign: Pisces
Race: Black
Aspiration: Family
Job: Self Owned Business Woman
Salary: Varies
Turn Ons: Muscular Build, Facial Hair
Turn Offs: Big Guys

Name: Lathan Pierce
Sign: Cancer
Race: Black
Aspiration: Family
Job: Company President
Salary: $1400/ Day
Turn Ons: Makeup, Muscular Build
Turn Offs: Smells

Name: Lathan Pierce Jr.
Sign: Cancer
Race: Black
Aspiration: Social
Job: Works for Mom
Salary: $10/hour
Turn Ons: Makeup, Muscular Build
Turn Offs: Big Women

Name: Raine Hill
Sign: Cancer
Race: Black
Aspiration: Social
Job: Co-Owner Rain Nightclub
Salary: Varies
Turn Ons: Muscular Build, Brown Hair
Turn Offs: Smells

Name: Kelson Hill
Sign: Cancer
Race: Spanish
Aspiration: Social
Job: Co-Owner Rain Nightclub
Salary: Varies
Turn Ons: Muscular Build, Makeup
Turn Offs: Facial Hair

The Pierce and Hill families live down the street from each other. They are all college educated, attending exclusive private schools throughout their education. The two couples enjoy having dinners and going bowling together. They also frequent karaoke bars.

When Dulany was pregnant with Jr. Her husband Lathan couldn’t get enough of her. He was always playing with her stomach and almost waiting on her hand and foot…cooking dinner, giving her back rubs, etc. He was proud of his wife because although she was due to have her baby any second, she still ran her salon every day.

They had a boy and named him Jr. Lathan Sr. fell in love and doted (read spoiled) his son all the time…

Now Jr. is a young adult just beginning college at his parents’ alma matter. These are his friends.:

I want the Pierce family to have one more kid while the parents are still young. I think I’m going to actually play a family for longer than a few weeks and make a few generations…

Now to my condo complex, Weber Heights. There are four condos on the second floor; two with two bedrooms and two with one. The first floor has a restaurant, a bakery, and a cafe:

Yes. I know I am a sad person for being so engrossed in this game. But I tell you, don’t knock it until you try it! Even my mother sits and watches me play for hours….(even though one time when I was playing and my father called me away for something, she let almost an entire family die of hunger..even a poor toddler! The mother and poor child was spared, but the father and older brother passed away due to various reasons. Without any male influences in her life, the little girl grew up to have low self esteem and married some dude who constantly cheated on her. Eventually, she was killed ironically the same way her father died… she was electrocuted.)

See! Such rich stories…

Nothing too much happening.

I have the theme from New Jack City in my head.

After having a hearty breakfast of Grits, Eggs, and Biscuits (as part of the booty and breast plan) I feel thoroughly satisfied.

Right now I’m waiting for my boss to come back from a meeting so we can discuss some projects. (Goggle Talk is so much better than AIM and Yahoo by the way. It’s very simple and to the point…)

Now I’m trying to decide if I’m going to spend the rest of the afternoon Sim-ing, Prince of Persia-ing or working on some website prototypes. I really need to have inspiration to do any of those though.

After spending 4 hours making a very nice apartment complex in my Sims game, I can’t use it due to a game glitch.

I’m in a really tedious part of my Prince of Persia game and don’t really feel like doing minute things to move on.

And I’m not artistically inspired enough to make anything…artistic…

In other news…

I talked to an ex today. Have you ever heard that song “Can’t Explain” by Jill Scott? (go scan the lyrics really fast if you haven’t) As far as relationships go, that’s pretty much my experience. What goes around really does come around. I’ve never cheated on anyone, never even had the thought to, but I was wrong in that relationship and how it ended. Funnily enough, I was the typical [KaNisa’s family] female…pretty but a bit to bossy or something like that. I shouldn’t blame it on that though. I was wrong….

Anyway…

I really prefer weekdays to weekends. For the most part, I’d rather be busy working than doing nothing…I always feel like I’m wasting time when I’m not doing something productive. (Of course being productive is in the eye of the beholder…I think spending 4 hours making a house for some digital “people” is productive.) It’s the artist in me I tell you!

Maybe that’s what I’ll do. Maybe I’ll just write an entry on why I’m so engrossed with this game….be back later.

Wow.

I just finished reading two of the most terrible books ever. I mean…I just…boo. They appealed to the not so admirable side of me that seeks out trashy novels full of nonsense…and these just took the cake. They were books of lies, betrayals, cheaters, baby momma drama….everything you could possibly find in a Black male author’s book targeted for Black females.

I mean…it really opened my eyes so that I never want to read a book in that genre again. Dickey, Harris, and Weber be danged.

However they did make me think about relationships, how they develop, how they’re sustained, (I really need to have my butt in bed as it is 2 in the morning and I have to work in the morning, but my mind is too busy for that)

I’m in the process of rededicating my life to things that are good moral and true. I can’t say that the reason for this is entirely Godly, but for the past couple of years, I have definitely wandered off the path. In fact, I’m not even fully sure I have ever been on the path. I’ve realized though that if I want my life to be right and blessed, I can’t do that by myself. I’ve also realized that if I want the love of my life to come around any time soon, I need to clean up my own house before I can welcome anyone in it, especially if I want the visitor to be the One that was chosen for me.

(Now I know some of you are like, I don’t want to be reading no Sunday school lesson, but hear me out! I actually came across some interesting things! The Bible has some good stuff in it! lol…)

I have to get right spiritually, physically, and financially. Spiritually is self explanatory. Physically, I need to put on some weight to be healthy, and always put my best foot forward. I’m talking vitamins, coca butter or whatever else to make my skin irresistible… (not that it’s bad…I’ve been told I have nice skin, but I want it to be like BAYAM EVERYWHERE! I know people are supposed to be about what’s on the inside, but shoot you gotta have good curb appeal)

Financially, school will not take a backseat to anything once I get back. I need to be financially dependant and shoot, even make enough to not have a care in the world if I do end up alone.

Spiritually though, I’m starting to read the Good Word more. I know what my weaknesses are and although I never act on them, I feel just as guilty when a thought about someone crosses my mind or during that special time when I feel like I’m consumed with not so Godly thoughts. I need some kind of support. Here are some things I found:

1 Corinthians 6:12 “Everything is permissible for me” but not everything is beneficial. “Everything is permissible for me” – but I will not be mastered by anything.

It’s a hard thing to be consumed by lust, especially if it’s for someone who belongs to someone else. Actually, I’ve been a lot better about that lately, months ago I couldn’t say that AT ALL, but now I can control myself. I have a lot of pride… and I hate being bound by rules or some type of authority, (although I usually follow rules anyway) the thought that anyone thinks they can manipulate me, drives me crazy, especially if they’re male. (I think that’s a result of overbearing father parents)

The next chapter in Corinthians caught my attention too. It’s about marriage. It pretty much says that people should marry and regularly have “relations.”

1 Corinthians 7:3-5

The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Now that’s a shame that that’s all Paul says about marriage…that you should get it on regularly to keep your partner from straying. (Well he also talks about not divorcing and why virgins should get married or stay single…I’ll get to that…that’s kind of interesting.) This was back in the day, but I should hope that that there is more to marriage than procreation and avoiding adultery…I think it does say a lot about sexual compatibility though…or for the sake of being BC (biblically correct) communication. You have to get it on regularly so you need to make sure the getting’s good…

On virgins, Paul says that if a virgin wants to get it on she should get married as it’s not good to lust your life away.

1 Corinthians 7:8 -9

Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

Well shoot you can’t marry anyone though! What are we supposed to do?!?! Let’s turn in our books to Song of Songs. Multiple times Beloved says:

”Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.”

Easy for her to say. She got a man. (LOL)

Back to Corinthians though. Paul seems to suggest that virgins (this time I think those who are unmarried) should stay unmarried. Here’s his logic:

1 Corinthians 7:26, 28

26Because of the present crisis, I think that it is good for you to remain as you are… But if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this.

Hmm…right? Read on…

1 Corinthians 7:32-35

32I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. 33But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— 34and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. 35I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.

True dat.

And one last scripture for the road. I feel divine intervention was making me read all these scriptures, but I ESPECIALLY felt that way about this next one:

1 Corinthians 7:36-38

36If anyone thinks he is acting improperly toward the virgin he is engaged to, and if she is getting along in years and he feels he ought to marry, he should do as he wants. He is not sinning. They should get married. 37But the man who has settled the matter in his own mind, who is under no compulsion but has control over his own will, and who has made up his mind not to marry the virgin—this man also does the right thing. 38So then, he who marries the virgin does right, but he who does not marry her does even better.

Of course the term “marriage” is a strong term, but I still got the point. I got the point of all of these.

Let’s summarize today’s lesson:

1. “Everything is permissible for me” but not everything is beneficial All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wander are lost; the old that is strong does not wither, deep roots are not reached by the frost…(well I’m getting away from the point…but that’s how I’m relating to it)

2. “Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
If I do get in another relationship, I shouldn’t give up the milk for free, but when he pays for the cow and the tragedy that he doesn’t know how to milk it properly occurs I should provide instructions as to how to do it, as well as aim my own utters to the pail to make his job as enjoyable as possible. (LOL) It is your Biblical duty to please your spouse’s booty!

3. Don’t look for love. When the right kind of love comes along, it’ll find you and be more incredible than anything you ever imagined.

4. A family should have these three priorities in this order: 1 Love for God 2. Love for the husband 3. Love for the wife. That’s all you really need.

5. If a person walks out of your life, let them go. It doesn’t mean that they are a bad person, it just means it wasn’t meant to be.

And let the chuuuch say A-MANMEN!

The Race for Governor

It’s just about primary voting time in the race for governor. I think Perdue is going to win by default because the Democratic candidates will cancel each other out. I’m not a fan of mudslinging especially if they’re in the same political party. WHAT IS THAT?! My mother says she’s not voting because of it. I’m registered to vote in Atlanta so I’d have to get an absentee ballot, but to tell you the truth, I don’t even know who to vote for! All I see is one person talking about the other, not what they’re going to do for the state!

Still 3121-ing

This album is growing on me. I really enjoy more than half of the songs on it, and make it a point to reserve certain songs for certain moments. Right now the song of the movement is the very nice Satisfied song. It is definitely a “you’re having a lonely night so you pretend Prince is singing to you and have not so innocent thoughts about what he’s promising to do…” Mmm Hmmm….

*sigh..

Libarary Field Trips

Library trips are so fun…it’s like Christmas. I went today to get a few treats. I was all excited during work because I knew I had at least one potential literary gem waiting to be explored at home.

I really loved my AP English class in high school because it introduced me to authors that I may not have otherwise heard about. My favorite work of all time is Dante’s Divine Comedy. I thought it was interesting to read an account of what Hell would be like. It was a little difficult to get into due to the prose, but once you got used to it, it wasn’t that bad. We only read Inferno in school, but I also got Purgatorio and Padradisio just to read for fun.

Fydor Dostyevsky’s Crime and Punishment is a close second in my list of favorite books. I loved how introspective it was. By the time you finished reading it, you couldn’t help but sympathize with poor Raskolnikov.

Now I’m reading Lolita by Vladmir “light of my life, fire of my loins” Nabokov. I’ve only read the first page as I’ve decided to really get into it before going to bed, but it seems to read pretty easily. I’m excited about it because it’s one of those books that everyone has heard of but no one has really read.

I know when I get my money, I’m going to start a library of the European Literary Canon. Required summer reading for the kids!

Coming Soon: Marraige & Relations according to the Good Book.

Man….

Back in the day when the fam took road trips, we stopped maybe once for bathroom breaks even if the trip was 10+ hours. “Hang it out the window,” was a common saying (even though only daddy has something to hang) because he would only stop when someone was 5 seconds from using it on themselves, and even then, it would be a “pull over to the side of the road, use a leaf, and hope it’s not poison ivy to wipe yourself” kind of situation.

These days though…we stop 468 times. A 7 hour trip turned into a 10 hour trip. We had to stop for gas three times, stop to use the bathroom, stop to eat, stop to get a watermelon in every state we passed through…I was like, “can we not go through a drive through?” and “We have watermelon at home!” Even I was wanting to tell people to hang it out the window! (But such things are not appropriate to say to ones’ parents…)

We did make it though (finally) ….just in time too. Snacking on cracklins (what you know about that?!?) on a stomach filled with fast food is not a good idea…

The tradition of my father continuously handling “his boys” as he drove (boys meaning the family ‘jewels’ and ‘sword”” was fulfilled. I opted for sitting in the very back of the SUV so it wouldn’t be close to my viewing area.

That’s nasty!

In other news…

I didn’t mean to come of badly about my mother’s family the other day. While they were doing some questionable things, I can’t say I wasn’t at least a little amused by their antics. My alcoholic aunt was making the funniest expressions, and my abused aunt was so innocent and humble (at the age of 45) it was refreshing, even though her low self esteem was ill gotten. Some of their kids do have my mother’s “rebellious” mentalities and are doing well for themselves.

Oh! Here is the booty picture of the aforementioned cousin:

Doesn’t really do her justice thoguh.

I also the think the family is branded with a certain look. Check out these pics of my younger cousins…

No denying we’re related…

Oh family..

Not too much controversy this year. It’s everyone vs. my cousin’s mother in-law.

This woman came in with her nose in the air and rolling her eyes at everyone…people were like, “who is that?! and does she not know who she’s messing with?!?!” (Pride is a HUGE thing in my family…) If she’s the same way again tomorrow, we’ve decided to beat her down.

Re-met a few cousins. This one cousin I have, she has the most FANTASTIC ASS/hips I’ve ever seen! She was straight up wearing them jeans! It was like BAYAM! I couldn’t take my eyes off her! I was sitting there jealous until we struck up a conversation. Then I asked her what she eats and how I can develop curves like hers myself.

She said it takes four kids.

I said never mind.

She’s only 34…her oldest is 18…

yeah…

Cool people though.

(I’ll try to get a picture for inspiration though. I’ll eat if I can get curves like that…DA-YAM!

Let me eat some of this left over barbecue…

*booty and breasts, booty and breasts, booty and breasts (in moderation…)

Sunday was alright. My parents drive me crazy though. My father hasn’t been to church since my grandparents/his sisters made him back in the day so it always annoys me when he volunteers to speak at the family church. People are always like, “oh brother [daddy] is so well spoken…” and “what a God fearing man,” my mother and I just look at each other and shake our heads…

I also don’t like people who flaunt their money. As a family, we took up a collection. Of course he had to make a huge deal of presenting it to the pastor…like “the [KaNisa’s] family has money and we want to give it to the po chuuuch…” in my mind I was booing….

Then my mother…she’s diabetical (c) Madea and she still eats everything in the vicinity…and has the nerve to complain when her sugar is high! She’s telling everyone, “as soon as I cross the Louisiana border, my diet is on vacation…” shoot, her diet’s on vacation at home too! She says she want’s to see her grandchildren and live long, but she will not do anything to really make a difference in her weight! If she really wanted to lose weight, she could. And it annoys me so much that she thinks books, special drinks, and Tae Bo (done incorrectly) (while sneaking cake and other things she doesn’t need to eat) will make changes…

She would be like the BAYAM cousin if she just had a healthy diet and rigorous exercise…seriously…she was BAYUM, BAYUM, BAYUM, back in the day…

In other news…

I think that I’m extremely boojey ( i have no idea how to spell that so sound it out) my mother’s side isn’t as i guess…proper? as my dad’s side. And I find myself not wanting to spend time with them and think I’ll get hepatitis or something when I go to visit. (That’s terrible isn’t it?)

My mother is the oldest of 7, yet she was the only one out of all of them to be given up for adoption. She always was a bit bitter about that, but she turned it into inspiration to never be like her mother. All of her sisters were pregnant by age 16…all had some type of addiction, all were complacent with living dangerously. All of them are grandmothers and even great grandmothers who’s grandchildren can’t read even though they’re ten years old. The mentality goes back generations… my grandmother that I never met because she died of a STD was that way too…my grandmother even put her own daughter (my mom) in some dangerous situations with her boyfriends and mother still has reprecussions from those encounters now.

My mom was the only one of her generation to go to college, or even to be married indefinitely. She was also the first out of almost forever to be in established marriage before she had kids and even then, she didn’t start until she was 26 (she was married at 21..knew my dad since age 12). She never drank, never smoked, wasn’t fast (well she did have some “friends” but it was in moderation.) Her way of rebelling was being the opposite of the enviorment she was raised in.

When my sisters and I were little, she’d take us to visit her sisters sometimes, but after we were somewhere, an aunt got drunk and was cursing and beating her son. I was maybe 4 at the time and I remember it vividly because it scared me so much. I also remember that Motown Philly by Boyz II men was playing. That song and that aunt always make me nervous even now.

Now my mother always makes it a point to drag me with her when we go for visits. I won’t say that I saw people giving beer to 13 month olds. I won’t say that I saw my aunt running from her abusive husband and asking for opinions on how to kill him. I won’t say I saw an aunt consume four beers in the period of 1 hour…casually…

But man…such differences in how people are brought up and how they turn out.

Daddy’s side. Dirt poor, but hard working. Lived in the country. Had 100+ acres of land. All the kids were out working in the field as soon as they could crawl. Nine kids and two parents in a one bedroom house. Daddy was so poor, he’d go to school practically barefoot. However, more than half of them went to college, others were nurses, contractors, self owned businessmen. They also had children before marriage, but they didn’t use it as an excuse. Now all of them are quite well off due to the ideals they were brought up with. All VERY proud, all very hardworking, won’t accept anything but the best and what’s right. All in the church (except daddy).

Such a difference.

The only thing I hate more than unpacking is packing. Thus I shall write a journal entry instead of doing so even though we’re leaving in the next hour or so…

As per custom, cousins have been calling to request presentation materials for the reunion (of the family persuasion which I should be packing for now). My mother didn’t want to take the originals so I made a DVD of a family reunion video circa July 1985. It was interesting to see. Everyone was all, “smile, you’re on candied camera.”

Went to get my naps taken care of this morning. Progress is being made. I should have my regular length by the time school starts again.

It’s kind of funny to ride behind people riding in the back of pickup trucks. They try their best not to look at you, but it’s pretty inevitable. When their car finally turned off the road, dude waved.

Had to collect po Akanie from a not so near neighbor. She’d run off a few days ago after my father let her loose while he was cutting the grass. The po do is so blind, she can’t even find her water bowl. It was a bit embarrassing when I went to get her. The people were all, “she can’t see very well can she?” I bet they were ready to call the pet protection agency on me. It really isn’t my fault. I took her to the vet to get medicine and my parents didn’t give it to her while I was at college. By the time I got home, my po dog was one eyed.

But yeah family reunion this weekend. It’s always nice to see the extended fam. I’m the youngest of the second generation (my grandparents are deceased, so my parents are bumped up to first). The oldest is around 45 and she’ll be the first female of my generation to be married. (Amazing isn’t it? The females of my family have a reputation around Baton Rouge/New Orleans for being beautiful but a handful. I don’t think I’m like that though. My sisters are WAY more demanding, stubborn, and bossy than me.) My cousin is really pretty though…makes me jealous sometimes…but she really needs to stop volunteering people for stuff…grumble grumble…

Anyway, let me throw some things in a suitcase before they leave me…

DISCLAIMER: Before you say anything, I do admit I have more thatn 2000 MP3’s However, I can honestly say that 99.9% of them are owned by either me or a member of my immediate family on an 8-track, 45, cassette tape, or compact disc. That is all

Going through my MP3’s Cd’s this lovely night. Decided to make a couple of notes on some songs as they come on.

Going in Circles – Luther Vandross
It was the one year anniversary of his death this week and I’m still in disbelief.

Reasons – Earth Wind and Fire
I got my father the Earth Wind and Fire Collection for Fathers Day one year (it was one of those presents you get for someone else and then borrow indefinitely. I now get shaken down every time I go back to school for their CD’s.) My parents would always talk about how they used to go to the Cool Jazz Festival in Kansas City to see Earth Wind and Fire and Marvin Gaye and everyone. I’m so jealous that I wasn’t born yet. They should have concerts like that now with the classics that are sill alive. And they should be in Atlanta. Between the months of August and May…

Before I Let Go – Maze
I’m sure some people will be like, what do you know about Maze KaNisa?! You weren’t even thought about yet when they were big. I tell you, this kind of music is what I listen to, none of that hippity hoppity music for me, shoot, I’ve even been to one of their concerts! This will be played at my wedding reception…

Woman to Woman – Shirley Murdock
“…From the bed he sleeps in to every piece of food that he eats, see I make it possible. The clothes on his back, I buy them. The car he drives, I pay the note every month…” I’m going to have to go with Madea on this one. HAIL NAH ain’t NO WAY I’d pay for all that! You better go get a job! Shirley crazy!!!

Love Won’t Let me Wait – Major Harris
Now they say that the thing about today’s music is that it’s too literal. They say back in the day things used to be subtle. I guess “they” forgot about this song. Ain’t no way the sound of a female “having emotions” is a subtle way of talking about “relations…”

In the Rain – The Dramatics
I can see a teenage version of my mother sitting in her room listening to this song repeatedly on her record player. It’s funny, both my parents still listen to songs this way. My father likes “In My Mind” by Heather Hadley so I made the mistake of downloading it for him. Every time he uses the computer now, he turns up the volume and listens to it at least four times…

La La Means I Love You – The Delfonics
I have to say, I hadn’t heard this song until I saw Crooklyn. My mother always had the original record though. I think it’s a hilarious song yet oh so emotional.

Pusher Man – Curtis Mayfield
I’m yo mamma, I’m yo daddy, I’m that [negro] in the ally…this song is bad-a.

Neither One of Us – Gladys Knight
Every living person has lived this song at least once. Makes me even madder that today’s “divas” are all lame…

Let me stop, more than half of my library is made up of olides oldies and I’ll up in here talking about every one of them…

Pretty okay day today.

I am in desperate need for a visit to the hair salon, the Biotin must be working because my hair has grown half an inch in that last four weeks. Four or five inches to go!

To cover the need to get a touch up, I asked my mother to braid (plat? Cornrow? I don’t know what people call it) my hair. I added the infamous ponytail and had a nice no nonsense style that emphasized the beauty that is me.

I decided to do a test at work today too. I wore make up and a fitting skirt to work to see if my sales for the day would be better…and boy where they…

I sold more subscriptions and reserved more games that I ever have! People even came in the store to tell me I looked nice! Ones of the Caucasian persuasion included! This one dude was all:

(more…)

The Infamous Cycle

WARNING: The following entry frequently refers to the journey each woman embarks on between the ages of 7 and 15 or so. This said journey sometimes draws feelings of repulsion from males especially when referring to the following words “ovaries” “fallopian tubes” and “uterus” you have been warned.

(more…)

I have to say. Today has definitely been a male hating day.

I’ve been reading Got to be Real by a quartet of male black writers E Lynn Harris, Eric Jerome Dickey, Colin Channer, and Marcus Major.

Whenever I read, I always make comments out loud, which range from “don’t do it, girl!” and “she a skank ho!” to “say that sistergirl, say that” and particularly empathic versions of, “MMPH, Mmph, mmph.”

With four CD’s worth of Mary J MP3’s (Mary on back to What’s the 411) to complete the hater fest, it’s just a bad environment for anything with a penis.

Back to the book though, I haven’t gotten to Harris’s part, but I’m hoping that he’ll actually write about oh I don’t know a HETEROSEXUAL RELATIONSHIP. Not that I’m against any others, but dang, he gets too descriptive on some of those scenes. It’s a terrible thought that fine black men aren’t on the team that benefits me, lol…

(more…)

I’m sitting in the library now (downloading some huge files as they would take days at home) and I am AMAZED. I’ve been seated next to some junior “Ray Ray’s” who are saying things like “get off my nuts” and “yeah man, she asked if I wanted to spend time with her so I dropped my other [beech].”

These kids are what..16? 17? If even that. I wasn’t really paying attention to them that much until one of them said something particularly vulgar. I turned to look at them like they were crazy and lo and behold…lil dude was WHITE!

Shock!

He had a basketball jersey on, was cursing every two seconds, talking all this trash about this poor girl who probably never looked at him twice…

AMAZING.

I think I just died a little bit inside…

What is the world coming to?

Dial up internet is soooooo sloooooow…

It drives me crazy sometimes. You would think they would have come up with something affordable for the boney dwellers. Last I checked, the only broadband available to us is a couple of hundred dollars. Not even including astronomical monthly charges.

I’m desperate, but I’m not THAT desperate…

In other news.

With the addition of The Artist to my Lifetime’s Hall of Fame, I found it only appropriate to contribute to his income by actually buying his cd’s. Oh yeah! I haven’t bought a CD in years! And not only did I BUY the cd’s, I bought them from FYE, the most expensive store’s out there (with their 25 dollar discount card that only saves 10%…what the frick is that?)

Anyway…

I started out with his latest 3121.

It’s certainly different, but not without merit. You have to appreciate the fact that he hasn’t sold out to “whitey” (whitey this time meaning the mainstream). Some of these songs will have to grow on me though. Let’s peruse…

3121 – It’s an appropriate title song. It definitely has the vibe of opening set of Prince concert tour that he should have and with me in the front row doing the running man…

Lolita – Only a little disturbing, this song is about a Lolita chick (which I guess I could say is me since I look like I’m 12 anyway.) He says she looks good and that he’d hit that, but she’s to young and couldn’t handle it. “You can’t hang with this girl,” he says. Whateva’ yo, I’d sure like to try…

Te Amo Corazon – A Latin beat this has. It’s about when he meets a special woman and how he feels toward her.

Black Sweat – I really enjoy this song. It’s funky, it’s different, it makes you want to gyrate like the energetic female in the video (even if you’re a dude I hear).

Incense and Candles – Wheew this song. This is the first song on the album that makes me sure Prince could have his way with me if he wanted. This song is super sexy. If I were a stripper, my routine would be to this. *Body roll, body roll, pump pump…yeeeaahh…

Love – This one has a psychedelic beat. It’s about how you can’t manipulate someone into someone you can love. It should just happen on its own.

Satisfied – Song number two showing Prince do-ability. It has high replay levels for when I’m lonely and needing male attention. The song itself is The Artist promising a night and into late afternoon of satisfaction. “I just want to get you satisfied,” he says…”I can get you out your body” he says…”I’m just trying to get you to think about doing things that you’ve always wanted but could never find…” he says

Wooo! Sheee-ed! You can satisfy me any time!

Fury – “There ain’t no fury like a woman scorned.” This is a rock anthem to the subject. Touché sir, touché.

The Word – Now the thing I REALLY love about The Artist is the fact that he’s so versatile. Just about every genre of music is on this CD unlike Musicology which was mostly R&B. This song though, is a spiritual. It talks about how there’s so much chaos in the world and how we should all walk with Jesus.

You might be thinking, now how can he talk about getting people Satisfied and then talking about Jesus two tracks later? Let me tell you.

This is such a testament to Protestantism. Sex for pleasure isn’t illegal, in fact it’s encouraged as long as you’re married. His sexy songs weren’t even explicit. In Incense in Candles he even says, “U scream my name as if it was divine but we both know that we gotta praise the One who made ya” It kind of says that, it’s okay to follow your urges because in essence, it was God who put them there in the first place for you to enjoy.

Beautiful, Loved and Blessed – Is it talking about two people coming together in love or is it two people singing thanks to the Lord? It’s gets more obvious toward then end with lyrics like, “Everything You made You said, ‘That’s good’ before that fall of man You said, ‘That’s good’ Every time I walk in faith ‘That’s good’ You let me see another day, ‘That’s good…’”

The Dance – A very eclectic song, it has a Mediterranean/Spanish sound I think, but I’m not exactly sure. The song is about resisting falling in love with someone even though you really want to.

Get on the Boat – What would a Prince album be without a new anthem to lead the world into peace and equality. This is just that. A new version of “We are the world” and “What’s Going On.”

So that’s 3121. So many genres of music, but all undeniably my man Prince.

Wow totally adding someone to my all time favorites list.

First though, I would like to make an addition to my “hawkers” list from a few days ago…Chaka Khan. My bad for leaving her off.

Onward!

Right now, the list of my all time favorites is a very short one, in fact, until today, there was only one person on it.

To make this list, the artist must demonstrate a high level of talent that transcends time. The type of music they create has the capability to be popular in any time period because it was so different than anything else on the radio. The artist himself never backed down to the record labels and always stayed true to themselves. Their music wasn’t always popular, especially in recent years, but early in their careers they shattered records in the music scene and became legends.

The first recipient of the KaNisa’s lifetime music award…

Michael Jackson

I mean really? What entertainer has even come remotely close to what this man has done, other than my next recipient? He dominated the 80’s and early 90’s with his unique sound. He’s a creative genius that is misunderstood, but they do say there’s a thin line between genius and insanity. He’s influenced just about every male R&B singer in the last 20 years and set a standard that every entertainer should live up to, even though they will never compare. Michael, I don’t care what anyone says, you are and will always be the King.

Why didn’t as many people check out his Invincible album? It was actually really great, on par with what Michael was always known to produce…yet it didn’t do well at all…

Hmmm..

The next recipient of the KaNisa’s lifetime music award…

The Artist Formerly Known as Prince

This man has always been about the music. He combined so many genres under one umbrella of just, “Prince.” Back in the day, he was quite nasty, but no one could deny that his music was otherworldly almost. It was soulful, it had emotion, even today, it’s he’s what music should be. It’s beyond me that Musicology didn’t go platinum. Did anyone hear it? Every single song on that album was golden, platinum, shoot DIAMOND! And it has a message…

Both of these artists, nobody can touch them. I think these are the legends who will definitely be getting their lifetime achievement awards from the Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences in 20 or 30 years.

You know, it’s terrible that our living legends aren’t promoted as much as people with not even an inch of their talent…

It’s also a shame…if Micheal was still Black and normal, he could get it. Prince too.

*goes off to watch her copy of Jackson’s American Dream….

“I don’t want chu, I don’t want chu, I don’t want chu, I don’t want chu, no mo….”

There’s so much to say about this new issue of Vanity Fair. Originally, I subscribed to this magazine to save money. In High School, once a week, I would go to my local book store (which had to be Books-A-Million as they allow you to sit and read) and check out layouts and ads as I had to come up with something for the sports section of my yearbook. Buying certain magazines like Vanity Fair can add up as they are about five dollars an issue. A subscription, however, is only $18…

Back to the point though, since I’ve been in college, I’ve really started to actually read the articles, and found that many of them are quite interesting. This most recent issue, I read it pretty much cover to cover (sands the Sandra Bullock article, since nobody cares about her) and found that I couldn’t really put it down.

So here we go with some topics:

The Championship Scandal – The Duke Lacrosse Rape

Whether a young woman was gang-raped or innocent lacrosse players arrested, the tragedy at Duke on March 14 was the inexorable result of many wild nights and many deaf ears. From a key witness, neighbors, defense lawyers, an internal university report, and a southern community in turmoil, the author gets the story of a team spinning out of control…

So these kids, all from somewhat wealthy families, all “star students”, all pretty much guaranteed a job at their father’s/alumni’s firms. They have never really been denied anything and expect to have life handed to them. They’re all very close knit, live together, play together, party together, “study” together, etc. (gay). However, half of them had criminal records with charges related from underage drinking and disturbing the peace to indecent exposure and property damage. The squad had the highest percentage of criminal records of all the Duke sports teams, aside from, incredibly, the men’s golf team.

One night during spring break, they decided to hire a couple of “escorts” for entertainment. They requested a white woman and a Latino woman, but instead got a black/asian woman and a black woman. After some talk, it was decided that the women do the show. The black/asian dancer noticed that the other woman was a bit “loopy.” They began and eventually stopped due to the harsh environment and exited the house. One of the dancers, the black one, was coaxed back inside and allegedly raped. Afterwards since the “victim” was inebriated and passive, the other woman, without knowing the “victim” had been raped drove her to a local grocery where 911 was called and the unconscious woman was taken to a drug clinic then later to Duke University Hospital. Here she woke up and was very upset, claiming that she was raped by about 20 people which she later said was 3.

So already, both sides of the story are pretty uncreditable. For the boys it wouldn’t be out of the ordinary form them to have raped this woman due to their previous behavior. And the woman, how many times do people get drunk and not remember whether something was consentual or not, or even happened at all, especially when she reported that she’d had sex with three other people that night outside of the rape?

I feel like this is the next OJ trial regardless.

I tried to talk about it with my mother. I don’t know if it’s because she’s old school or because Nancy Grace has convinced her, but she believes the girl is telling the truth and that I’m not sympathetic to the black people’s plight because I don’t automatically think so too. It’s not that at all. Months ago, I wrote about alleged rape/sexual assault cases at my own school that were reported together. I didn’t show them sympathy either and they were of the caucasian persuasion. All of the victims were drunk and all of them put themselves in dangerous situations. The boys may be guilty, or the chick may be lying, but I’m going to give them both the benefit of the doubt.

The boys were not totally innocent in that they did harass the women verbally, and maybe even pushed them around or something, but were any of them penis perpetrators? Although I wouldn’t put it pass them, I wouldn’t put it on them either. The DNA didn’t match any of the people at the party, and the magazine seems to suggest that it matched the three other people she had sex with that night, although it was trying to remain neutral.

If you were sexually assaulted, wouldn’t you be running to get away? Why would you stay and chat, and even smile and laugh with your alleged attackers as she supposedly did.

Finally, it was said that a lot of her mannerisms were consistent with rape when she awoke from her drunken stupor at the hospital but to me, crying, shaking, and being very upset is a natural response to being drunk. It would also be a natural reactio to a bunch of good ole boys verbally assaulting you.

On the other side of that though, it was said that physically, the girl did not show signs of rape anally or vaginally. Could it be that, no real offense to the girl, but that she was quite experienced? I mean she did admit to doing three different dudes in a night, she wasn’t innocent.

They say there was no DNA matching the boys at the party. Isn’t it possible that they used a condom? If you’re going to do something like that, I’m sure they would want to protect themselves as much as possible, especially so they wouldn’t be caught. Did they try to get DNA under her fingernails and all that as part of the rape kit at the hospital? How did the results of that check out?

They were also slow to take her case, expecting her to remember who was there out of line ups and pictures, four weeks later. If they knew she was drunk, how did they expect her to be able to do that? Especially after four weeks!

OJ Case indeed.

If the DNA don’t fit, then you must acquit.

And always be careful ladies. Respect yourselves and protect yourselves because no one will do it if you can’t do that for yourself.

Three people in a night? *SMDH

I heard a Luther Vandross song earlier today. Still can’t believe he’s gone from us. It’s so strange to think that someone you grew up listening to is gone so soon. They’re supposed to be alive and making new music to make children and even grandchildren to until they turn into old chester’s like the Isley brothers.

There are only so many true “hawking” singers around now that are still doing their thing, and even they have been around for at least a little while. You have Mariah Carey, Whitney Houston, Aretha Franklin, Toni Braxton…and of course I have to throw Patti in the mix, even though her singing sometimes passes for screeching and always makes me cringe.

Shanice also has a great voice, but she’s never on anyone’s radar. Her album a few years ago, Shanice, was incredible.

Lauryn Hill can get it, but she needs to be a little less weird and not get ahead of herself when singing in public. Her recording of “His Eye is on the Sparrow” always brings tears to my eyes.

Tamia back in her old days was good. “You put a move on my heart” days. Now she’s too hippity hoppity.

Beyonce has the capacity, but she needs to do more than make booty popping music.

Mayyyybe Heather Hadley that sings that “in my mind song” has potential. At least she sings.

Step it up ladies! It’s time stop admiring your predecessors! Step into their shoes and write your names in the history books! We got babies to make and emotional situations that need articulation!

You never truly get over your first love. Mine isn’t so far in my past. We still speak occasionally, but I definitely know we’re drifting apart. I knew it would happen one day, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less.

I say that I’m not still in love with him, and I’m not. A relationship with this person would absolutely not work. We were very similar in many aspects, but where we differed were in some pretty cruical arenas. I still do love him though and probaly always will. He changed my life.

When we dated, we had a relationship that we knew would end one day. I was always really good about cherishing moments, like when we’d be doing nothing really, I’d try to close my eyes and make a memory. I always watched him sleep, memorizing his features so I could imagine him when we were apart. Sometimes he would even catch me watching him while he was awake, which was a little weird I admit, but usually I was just marveling at how someone could make me feel they way he made me feel, not even in a bad way, but a good way. He really did make me feel alive, and so confident and, just so many things.

He was also the first one to really make me question myself. I had all the ideals and this huge, “I don’t need a penis (subtext: male). I’m going to be independent and have a fantastic career. I’ll be traveling so much, I won’t even have time for a family…” mentality. He totally made me change my mind about all that. I used to wonder how any woman could leave her job and follow her man around. Or if she had a great job somewhere, how could she give it up to move and get married…

I totally understand that now.

I feel like he’s really prepared me to experience something incredible with some incredible man somewhere out there. If I’d never been in a relationship with him, I never would have had any idea about how it was to really care about someone and how you could actually want to make sacrifices for them.

I don’t allow a lot of people in and he definitely got closer to me than anyone ever has, family included. I mean, I’d almost take a bullet for him…

Almost…LOL

As much as I care about him though, I’m slowly but surely letting go. Very slowly actually. A few months ago, I wouldn’t have been able to publish some of the things I wrote for him while we were dating, they were so intimate and something I just felt should be between us, but now I feel like I can. Of course they won’t be here as I have an innocent persona to keep up (lol) but I am putting it someplace where people could read it if they wanted. You can shoot me an email if you’re interested.

One thing I wrote was my personal wedding night fantasy. (It’s my dream to make love for the first time to my husband on our wedding night. ) That was a huge deal for me to even think about. Given my “boo penis’s” mentality, I used to be cool with being a virgin forever. When I experienced caring for someone so deeply for the first time I realized that sex is not always just sex. It’s giving yourself to someone, becoming one with them, sharing your soul with them. I understood that and tried my best to articulate what this person inspired in me.

I think that my willingness to share this is a sign of moving forward to some degree. The person depicted in the poem isn’t him anymore, it’s someone in my future. Everything, the lusty adventures, the tender moments, everything will all be reality with someone in my future.

November 11, the day he gets married, will be an incredibly tough day for me, but I hope one day all the preparation won’t be in vain…

I hope that one day, my fantasy will come true too.

…

I swear though, if I die before I get to “do it” I’m taking people out!

Terrible. Just terrible.

There is a fine line between something being funny and something being inappropriate. Consider the following lines from a movie I just watched:

“Every sperm is sacred
Every sperm is great
If a sperm is wasted
God gets quite irate.

“Every sperm is sacred
Every sperm is good,
Every sperm is wanted
In your neighborhood.”

Amusing right? Now let me tell you the context of it:

It was a statement about how back in the day, Catholics didn’t believe in abortion or using birth control once married. The song was sung by the children of a very large Catholic family, say 50 kids or so. The father had come home from work saying he’d been fired so he couldn’t afford to feed them all. For money, he was going to sell the kids for science experiments.

Still funny now?

Mmm hmm.

In other news…

Got curious and talked to a free psychic today. I didn’t really learn anything I didn’t already know. She says I’ll be “lucky in money, love, and success” toward the end of the year, but I think that’s smack talking. She also said I’ll be engaged to someone in 08.

All that would be nice, but I highly doubt it. Not sure if I believe in psychics (except, well, Sylvia Brown) I’ll keep my eyes open though just in case.

Geek news of the day:

My new motherboard came in. It’s an Athlon. Supercomputer will be untouchable soon. The world. ain’t. ready…

Oh HAIL yeah there will be some serious sleep up in here TO-NIGHT! (I don’t know what it is about those old school games, but I was up playing a 1989 version of Family Feud until 6 this morning. It was out of control).

Do you ever watch TV shows and get especially caught up in them? You get so engrossed in the plot, your start talking to the characters or berating them for being stupid.

I was watching New York Undercover tonight. (I only watch the episodes with Michael DeLorenzo in them. The eye candy on that show is SERIOUS!) My Detective Torres was upset because his girl took a bullet for him. He shed a few tears, saying that she’d always protected him… and I responded by exclaiming:

“I’ll protect your Detective…IN MY VAGINA!”

Had to explain that one away to my mother as she was passing by the door during my cry of passion, but after a while she agreed and told me to carry on.

In other news…

Had a grand quest of errands today. Cashed in a paycheck, took care of some library duties (which by the way they charged me for having an overdue book that was actually turned in a week before it was due. I didn’t mind though. They’re nice people), went to pick out some vitamins for a new health kick I’m on.

If you know me, you know that I used to make a big deal about my hair length back in the day when it was longer (well like a month ago until I told the hairdresser to get the dead ends which ended up to be 5 inches of hair…). I was looking around and going to vitamin stores to figure out how to make my hair grow healthier and have that never happen again. They suggested a balanced diet, water, and protein. A lot also mentioned a vitamin called Biotin. They say I’d see a difference in hair growth in a month.

I’ve heard about those hair vitamins. It’s not just hair on your head that grows. I decided to give it a try anyway, just until my hair is back to normal. If it means more trips to she shop to care of situations, then so be it.

I went to GNC to get my battle plan. The person took one look at me and pointed me to the multivitamin section. He recommended this huge horse pill of vegetable nutrients to make me gain weight.

*Knocks on wood

I know be careful what you wish for. I ain’t wishin’ for too much, but I’m about 30 pounds under what I’m supposed to be for my height so…15 or so pounds couldn’t hurt…

I was working on the booty and breasts anyway…

*grabs the cocoa butter and awaits transformation…

WARNING: DEMONSTRATION OF EXTREME NERD-LIKE QUALITIES AHEAD

The topics of the blog have been a little heady lately so I’ve decided to write about a lighter subject. Favorites, or at least MY favorite things.

It’s no secret that I’m a huge computer geek, have been ever since the huge 3.5 floppy disks of the 80’s. Back then I was playing the following games: 

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Favorites

I’m a little down today. Family issues I guess. I think being the youngest can be hard just like being the oldest or the middle child may be. The older siblings always believe that the youngest has it easy, but that’s never the case. Speaking as a representative of the youngest sibling, let me break it down for you older ones.

It’s a common stereotype that the youngest gets away with more. It may be true to some degree, but one benefit is at the expense of many others. I think, it’s not that we get away with more, we do the same things that the older siblings did the only thing is that parents have learned from the older children’s habits so sometimes what we do isn’t a big deal anymore.

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I decided to start a new Category. Some may remember me referring to something called a Hope Chest. As a reminder, traditionally it’s something that a single woman collects linens and things in for when she’s married. I started my own version of my hope chest for the next boyfriend (of course it wouldn’t have linens but certain clothes or coupon books…)

In light of recent events and new life decisions I’ve made, I’ve decided to go forego the junior hope chest and make just make a real one for my future husband rather than boyfriend. Today I’d like to make a new entry.

I think that’ it’s as important for mothers to celebrate Fathers Day as it is for a father’s children to do the same. A father doesn’t have to take care of his children. A father doesn’t have to be doting and loving. A father doesn’t have to provide for his family. A father doesn’t even have to be a good role model, but good father does anyway.

That’s why when I get married, even if my husband and I decide not have children for a while, we will be celebrating Father’s Day every year to celebrate how great a father he WILL be.

I’ve written out day plans and song playlists for those special days, and those pages will be the next entry into the hope chest. I hope that one day I will be lucky enough to put them to use.

Scenario One

I’d let Him sleep as long as he wants. Once I know He’s just about to wake up, I’ll bring him breakfast in bed and turn the TV in the bedroom on His favorite childhood TV show. (Which I will have on DVD).

After breakfast/vegging out, I’ll give him his first presents which will be a brand new outfit of the expensive variety he likes and the keys to his dream car (which I rented and kept at the neighbors for surprise purposes) .

Each year he’ll also receive a brand new pair of golf clubs. They will be waiting for him at the course along with his best buds who are also fathers/future fathers where they will spend the afternoon pretending that they’re good at golf and bragging what their wives/kids did for them so far today.

When he comes home, he will have his favorite dinner waiting for him…something like an inch thick medium well grilled steak meal. First course of desert will be his favorite kind of pie. Second course will be…*nudge nudge wink wink* all night long or just late enough so he won’t be too tired for work the next day.

Scenario Two

Once again, he can sleep until a reasonable time. Then I’ll wake him up by [censored]. After he has “emotions.” I’ll feed him breakfast and we’ll go into round two. Which entails [censored] in another room of the house. After “emoting” at least two more times, it will be lunch time which will be served in the kitchen and be promptly followed by more [censored]. We will continue through different rooms of the house this way. After four through six, we’ll have a break so that I may prepare dinner and so he can recover. Around eight or so, there will be a special candlelight dinner featuring food that can be eaten without utensils such as buttery snap green beans, some type of seafood like crab legs, and an alcoholic beverage. After desert which will also be consumed without utensils, we will cleanse ourselves in that bathroom and engage in more [censored] until he can’t move anymore.

(clearly this will be a scenario that will happen closer to the time when children are ready to be had as such fertilization is bound to produce something down there…)

Scenario Three – with the children

This time, the children will be fixing breakfast while I help them so they don’t burn the house down. They’ll set up his breakfast on the back porch which will have a ceiling fan and a view of our well manicured back yard. Smooth Jazz will be playing and we will enjoy a beautiful morning together. Next, as per custom, Dad will take his dream car of the moment along with his son(s) to the golf course to meet up with other fathers and sons for their yearly golf tournament. I and any daughters will dress up (me in an enticing way so my husband can brag) and cheer them on with our big brimmed hats and/or umbrellas. After my family’s team wins, we’ll return to the house and the boys will take naps while I and my daughters prepare dinner. You see, the sons get to be celebrated a little too to encourage them to be good fathers as well. Once we all enjoy our dinner, the kids will be shipped of to their grandparents, and my husband and I will have a mini version of scenario two until they come home.

So that was a peek into my little Father’s Day plans. Of course the actual write up of them is more detailed and descriptive, but people don’t need to know all the perks of being “Mrs. “Mr. KaNisa right?

HAPPY FATHER’S DAY TO ALL YOU FATHERS AND FUTURE FATHERS OUT THERE!

Every day I’m amazed by the power of mother nature or in essence, God. It’s absolutely awesome how nature works, and I don’t mean awesome like, “wow, that’s really cool,” I mean literally it makes me full of awe the things that Nature is capable of.

I was up late tonight watching a docu-drama on the Discovery Channel about a volcano that erupted over a hundred years ago. That may seem like, “wow interesting.”, but it was really incredible the way the volcano completely devastated an entire section of the world and even the entire world itself.

They say that when this volcano erupted, the actual force of it equaled 13,000 atomic bombs. THIRTEEN THOUSAND. Just as a reminder, here’s what just one atomic bomb did to Hiroshima.

Now imagine what thirteen thousand could do.

They say the sound the volcano made had a hearing radius of three thousand miles. That means if such an occurrence happened in New York City, the explosion could be heard simultaneously in both London and Los Angeles.

They say the shockwaves rocked boats as far away as South Africa. Here’s map. You can see for yourself just how far away that was:

When the volcano finally collapsed under all the pressure, it created a tsunami 30 meters high or to translate, that’s almost 100 feet or maybe a ten story building.

On a worldwide scale, the eruption caused the entire world temperature to dip in the span of five years.

Overall over 36,000 souls were lost.

So do you think that this eruption has nothing to do with you? Do you think that you have no connection to it and that no one really cares? Here’s an interesting tidbit for you. If you’ve ever visited Starbucks or whatever your favorite coffee shop is and had a cup of maybe Sumatra or Kraktoa, you can thank this eruption for smothering the land these coffee beans grow in and creating the bold taste you’ve enjoyed. This volcano was Kraktoa and it was located between the islands of Sumatra and Java in Indonesia.

The circle of life rules us all…

There is something that I hold very close to my heart. It’s been special to me since I grew my first tooth way back in whenever that was. Every time I see it, it brings excitement to me in way nothing else ever really has. It satisfies me in a way I can’t even describe, and I just don’t know what I would do without them.

Do you know what I’m talking about?

Some of you may share my adoration.

Are you ready?

A just off the rolling cylinder…
Original glazed….
Krispy Kreme doughnut.

I mean, does it get any better?

Yesterday, on a journey across south Georgia with my mother for some car parts we approached our local Krispy Kreme shop. As I sat at the light fantasizing about how good one would taste rolling around my tongue…(ehh heeeh) the hot light came on.

“Mommy can we stop please,” I asked as I careened into the parking lot and jumped out of the car to beat some old people to the front of the line. (I didn’t think she would object). As I picked up one of those paper Krispy Kreme hats and put it on, the lady asked what I would like. “One dozen original glazed please,” I said, slamming my Krispy Kreme cash card down on the counter. I, KaNisa, was the first to obtain the hotness of the hour and I was proud. She rang my order…

“That’ll be five dollars and twenty cents.”

I didn’t think anything about it at the time, as I was indulging and burning my mouth on the hotness, but FIVE DOLLARS AND TWENTY CENTS? Really? Since when where Krispy Kremes so expensive? Last time I remember, they were three something for a dozen.

My mother said, back in the day when she’d bring a dozen doughnuts home if she came in from a date with my father, twelve doughnuts cost fifty cents.

FIFTY CENTS!

How did mark-up of 1000 some odd percent happen in the past 30 years or so? How much will a dozen cost when I have kids? 10 dollars? 20 dollars?

What’s REALLY going on?

And that’s another thing. Those people in Southwest Georgia don’t know how to make a Krispy Kreme. The volume of those things they call doughnuts are entirely too big and they don’t have enough glaze.

I ought to report them.

Anyway, my argument here is: Krispy Kreme makers should closely monitor what their stores are doing. Albany hardly ever has that hot sign on, AND when they do, the doughnuts are sub par. As a loyal customer for the past 21 years, I feel that the such stores are unacceptable.

Some of the new Atlanta stores are guilty too…I feel that they should all take a lesson from the Krispy Kreme shop on Plank Rd. in Baton Rouge Louisiana.

That’s the way you do it, ya’ll.

Do you ever flip through channels on your tv and get stuck on a certain commercial or show?

I’ve been having trouble with that lately. After watching a late night episode of Home Improvement, an infomercial for a Magic Bullet System came on.

I absolutely can not change the channel…it’s so attractive to watch. Although the little blinder looked strangely like a penis, all the things you can do with it though are really handy. The point is though, out of over two hundred channels, why am I sitting here watching an infomercial?

The same thing happened with an ipod commercial I saw earlier. They have a certain…”I don’t know what” about them. When they come on, I can’t take my eyes off of them. They’re so fun and energetic.

Then the ever famous TV guide channel…the way those channels scroll, the music that sometimes plays in the background…at school, they used to play those “Pure Moods” songs on that channel and man…I’d get mesmerized for hours…

(okay not really HOURS, but for a significant amount of time.)

I guess that’s the purpose of such advertisements, but it still doesn’t make me want to buy anything.

Man that little Penis Bullet thing is 100 bucks?!?! HAAAAAAAILLLLLL NAW!!!!

Found out something interesting today.

I was discussing with my mother the state of education in American and things drifted to how I got in this situation of paying for my own college education.

To remind of this situation, both of my sisters education was paid by my father. One sister went to the University of Michigan where the tuition was about 40K a year. My other sister went to the University of Texas where the tuition was comparable to mine. However, after finding out that I didn’t have perfect grades, he said he wouldn’t pay “another brass penny” for me to go to college with the grades I was receiving.

The interesting thing I found out today was that my grades are better than both of my sisters’ and that I’ve been a better student then they were since kindergarten. Another thing is that my father never knew what their grades were while every semester, I was required to not only tell him, but also give him an official transcript.

Is it just me, or does this seem a little bit unfair?

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I was a little late on the uptake with this show, but I’ve managed to catch the last two episodes. For the uninformed, Commander in chief is a show on ABC that details the life of the first female American president. I know it’s just a show, but man, Geena Davis certainly makes for a convincing one. I’d vote for her!

I think the show is a little optimistic though. Not only is the President a female, but the next person in command is a black male, and where the plot lies now, he’s actually about to step up to the vice president position.

I wonder if America is ready for such monumental changes in our governments’ executive branch. A female president? A black vice president?

Personally I think it could work, for years, other countries have been run by females and run quite well I might add. In America, I think, the biggest problem they would have is the American public, not any real worldwide issues they would have to come across.

The females thinking that women should stay barefoot and pregnant, the men who think the same. Actually I think there are as many females as males that think that. We are our own worse enemy sometimes.

Then we have the “Uncle Ruckus” (a la Boondocks) black people, or for those who don’t watch boondocks, the crab in the barrel mentality some black people have…

Not to discount racial or gender prejudices from opposite parties, but I really think prejudices from our own camps make up most of the opposition toward progressive movement in political situations. Why is that?

For shame.

Commander in Chief
Wednesdays @ 10 PM EST
ABC

For the more fortunate high speed holdesr, you can watch episodes online on ABC.com

So I was watching an episode of the Cosby show the other day. It was the infamous Alicia Keys looks like a boy episode. During said episode, I had a couple of epiphanies.

A lot of those rhymes we used to do back in the day on the playground made absolutely no sense whatsoever, but the thing that blows my mind is how sexual/violent/offensive all those were! What was really going on? We were a bunch of freaks at age five!

It’s also amazing that a lot of people know these rhymes regardless of race, age, or location. Such wide appeal…and they were sung everywhere! From sea to shining sea! And it was passed by word of mouth too…

What do the youngin’ sing now? The lyrics to those hipptiy hoppity songs?

For shame.

Anyway Take a look and see how many you remember:

Uno, dos, siesta
I said a-east, a-west
I met my boyfriend at the candy store
He bought me ice cream, he bought me cake
He brought me home with a belly ache
Mama mama, I’m so sick
Call the doctor quick quick quick
Doctor, doctor will I die?
Count to five and you’ll be alright
I said, a-one, a-two, a-three, a-four, a-five
I’m alive!

Cinderella,
dressed in yella,
went upstairs to kiss a fella.
By mistake -
she kissed a snake!
How may doctors did it take?
1,2,3,4, …

My name is…
L-I, L-I,
Chick-a-li, chick-a-li,
Pom-Pomn beauty,
Don’t drink whiskey,
Chinese,
Japanese,
American Chief!

Comet, it makes your teeth turn green.
Comet, it makes your mouth so clean.
Comet, it makes you vomit,
So why not try it, and vomit today?

Joy to the world, the teacher’s dead is dead
We barbecued her head.
What happened to her body?
We flushed it down the potty.
And around and around it goes
And around and around it goes.
And around, around, around it goes.

Apples on a stick
make me sick
Make my heart go
two-forty-six.
Not because they’re dirty
Not because they’re clean
Not because they kiss the boys
behind the magazine
So come on girls
lets have some fun
Here comes (insert name here)
with their pants undone.
They can wiggle,
They can wobble,
They can do the splits.
But I betcha five dollars
they can’t do this!
Close their eyes and count to ten.
If (he/she) misses (he’s/she’s) a big fat HEN!

Yankie Doodle went to town
riding on his mother.
Every time he hit a bump
he had a baby brother.

Row Row Row your boat
gently down the stream
Throw your teacher overboard
and listen to her scream.

Miss Sue, (clap, clap)
Miss Sue (clap, clap)
Miss Sue from Alabama,
Let’s make a movie,
Sittin’ in a rocker,
Eatin’ Betty Crocker,
Hey wise girl,
Whatcha gonna do,
When your mama’s at work,
Baby’s got the flu,
Daddy’s got the chicken pox,
And so do you?
Take an a b c d e f g,
Take an h i j k l m n o p,
Take a booty shot,
take a booty shot,
And FREEZE!!

One day when I was walking,
a walking to the fair,
I met a senorita with a flower in her hair.
Oh shake your seniorita,
shake it if you dare.
Shake it down,
touch the ground
and come back up again.

::shakes her senorita to bed::

I don’t care if she’s fat, ugly, one leg in a kickstand…

LOL…

Nothing too much happening today. It was my last day of work for the week which is both unfortunate and fortunate…you can’t get paid while you’re not working, but it’s so excellent to sleep in too…

What’s on my mind today let me see…

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly is TO THE BONE!

A lady came in to the store today with a little critter from the pet store. She wasn’t the most aesthetically pleasing person, but she was really nice, I could tell she was a beautiful person on the inside.

My co-worker however, had a different opinion. As soon as she was out of earshot he began ripping on the poor woman saying:

“Man I could play connect the dots on her face! Hell when I’m through, she might even be pretty!”

“Forget getting hit with the ugly stick, that bitch was smacked with the whole tree!”

“She looks like she could eat an apple through a fence”

(I didn’t quite get that one, I think it might have been a reference to the gap she had though).

“Did they buy the guinea pig or her in the pet store?!”

He just went on and on and it got worse from there. I blocked the rest out of my head for trauma purposes.

I told him, “you know, beauty is only skin deep man.”

“That’s bull,” he said, “a supermodel could be fine as hell and be a bitch, but she’s still fine as hell. An ugly person will always be ugly, even if she makes Mother Theresa look like a sinner.”

I suppose he had a point, but man, so harsh.

Made me think though.

Which would you rather have:
A. A gorgeous person with a terrible personality
B. An okay person with no personality
C. An ugly person with a heart of gold
D. All of the above

It’s 2:19 AM.

At this time of night, nothing good can be happening.

Any conversations at this time will always be laced with some sort of sexual innuendo.

Late night chatters are up sharing web cam feeds of people’s private areas.

Still others are up driving to booty call destinations.

Everything is all to the bad.

What is it about night that drives people to do such things?

And why do people always regret these things in some way when the sun comes up.

I will never know.

A good amount of things on my mind tonight.

It’s a very interesting thing to be desired by someone, especially when they tell you so. “Young Grasshopper” sent a not so subtle text message detailing exactly how he desired me and I felt a bit uncomfortable. I think that’s exactly why he will forever be “YOUNG” to me.

Or “Predictable?”

Or “MALE?”

It’s like I want to put him in my pocket and give him a pat, just a tiny little pat…

(To me, there is a difference between someone who is male and someone who is a man. Jesus is a man. “Ray Ray” is male. Beloved’s male is a man. Actually, anything with an extra appendage is a “male” to me until he proves other wise.)

…

(and for the record, I don’t consider myself a “woman” yet. Not until I’m self sustatining, confident, and satisfied with my life will I think that.)

I think there’s something in the male make-up that makes them desire things they can’t have. Or at least chase after the rabbit like a dog in one of those races. It’s like they obsess, fantasize, and ask questions that drive them crazy until they can’t take it anymore and “do” some poor suspecting other female. Not trying to toot my own horn, but it seems that I’ve had that affect on a lot of males I show a quarter of an interest in. It’s very curse like in a way.

Despite this unfortunate reoccurance, it actually helps as a deterrent to following through on anything male related. Knowing that something someone else really wants is in your possession…and that no one will really ever get it unless they are above and beyond any male I’ve ever encountered…

When throwing them a bone though (under the guise of showing interest or deliberatly producing something that would trigger bone like reactions) , I always feel like I die a little inside after the fact. I had a habit with the ex of indulging some of his male idiosyncrasies which should have definitely been available to paying customers only (and when I say paying I mean someone of boyfriend status) however when it comes to him, I’m like a parent that spoils their child all the time…

por ejemplo:

At work today, these two grandsons were begging their grandpa to buy them six video games. They charmed him into buying them although the entire purchase was quite expensive. After/while he paid for them, the kids were off playing something else, seemingly forgetting about their previous need for the games. An hour later, I saw the grandfather carrying the games around while the kids were off being entertained by the next shiny thing that caught their eye.

Similar situation. I always feel exploited after something as simple as indulging a male, even in an innocent situation.

I think it’s my own fault though with the more extreme situations. I need to tie a string around my finger for reality check purposes.

JUST SAY NO!

P.S. Monty Python and the Holy Grail is an excellent movie. “I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. ”

Classic. That’s the phrase for the week:

“I fart in your general direction.”

WARNING: evidence of nerdlike tendencies are prevalent in this entry. Don’t blame me for being curious about different points of view of how the world works….

Saturday

Not too much going on today.

There was an article in the paper about the discovery of small black holes floating around the universe. These black holes have been in existence since the big bang, and some string theorists think that they may be portals to alternate universes.

Crazy right?

Perhaps not.

According to certain theories such as the String Theory, such things are actually possible. The String theory says that everything in the universe is made up of tiny vibrating threads rather than particles which is what is widely accepted today. Also, the newer theory says there are an unlimited amount of dimensions rather than the four we know of (width, depth, height, and time).

…

If I put more thought into choosing a major, I definitely would have chosen something more science related since I’ve always been really interested in it. I used to want to be a virologist and work with viruses like viltal hemorrhagic fevers (Ebola) but then I found out you have to get about 50 shots to do that. I know that’s not a good enough reason to not want to do something, but…you know…I’m not a big fan of needles

But back to this String Theory thing. According go to a special I saw on PBS the other day, (shut up) under this theory there is the possibility that there are millions of versions of you. Every time you make a decision, a different you somewhere else makes the opposite decision. Like for instance, if you have to decide between a sammich and a salad for lunch and you choose the sammich, somewhere else, another you chose the salad.

This makes for intriguing situations. Wouldn’t it be interesting if we could find a way to use those floating black holes and find our “other selves” to see what our lives would have been like if we chose the salad?

Yeeaah…

Had an hour long conversation with “Young Grasshopper” about how special his girlfriend is. Oooops, I mean his EX girlfriend, but the way he goes on about her, she seems pretty current.

He says he felt bad for cheating on her with some chick a while back so he feels like he doesn’t deserve her, but he’s still in love with her and wants to buy her a ring.

He wants to do other people though and feels like that would be cheating if he did…

Even though he isn’t technically dating this chick.

Kind of like a “Where I Wanna be” by Donell Jones kind of thing

I had a headache after that one. There were lots of moments when I put the phone down and did some chores around my room while he continued to talk.

GOOD GRACIOUS! THAT BOY CAN TALK ABOUT THAT GIRL!

It was interesting seeing the other side of that situation though. I mean, no one has even come close to giving me anything like a promise ring, but I mean the whole situation where a dude “cares about a girl” enough to break up with her so he wouldn’t have to technically cheat on her again. I was giving him the female point of view of the situation.

It’s interesting though, I asked if he wants to marry her one day and he said he did. He was ready to buy an engagement ring but only had 1500. I was like, maybe you should buy her a promise ring instead and wait until you have a real job for an engagement ring and also so you can wait and be sure this is what you want to do since you’re not even in college yet and don’t even know who you might find there.

My gosh, this dude though SO MUCH EXPERIENCE FOR AN 18 (OR HOWEVER OLD HE IS) YEAR OLD THOUGH! I was like, “where do you do all this?!?!” he said usually the girl’s place or in his room. (His mother bought him an electronic lock for his door after walking in on him and a girl in on the living room couch. “We would have gotten to my room eventually,” he says.)

GOOD LAWD!

I really am taking him under my wing.

I suggested he go to the health department for some tests. SINCE HE’S NEVER HAD ANY BEFORE…

*sigh…

He’s my strange little experiment, part Ray Ray part ambitious young black person…

This week hundreds of thousands of people are converging on the country of Germany for a worldwide event. Festivals, betting pools, and the accrual of alcoholic beverages are being stocked for a month long event that will be televised throughout the world.

And Americans as usual have their heads in the sand.

What might I be speaking of you ask?

The FIFA World Cup.

(That’s Soccer for you less informed readers.)

I always wondered why soccer is popular everywhere else in the world but here. I mean, the sport is as physical and demanding as any other…plus they do it without all the pads AND the players are aesthetically pleasing.

I used to play soccer myself a few years back. During that time, Adidas ruled and male soccer players were, “hot.” After an unfortunate head injury involving me and a badly placed head during a game, my mother got scared and made me stop playing.

Unfortunate indeed.

On the upside though, when the Cup was in America, M&M Mars, or Snickers to be more specific was a main sponsor. Since my father works for M&M Mars we got some free tickets. The plant in Waco took a road trip up to Dallas for the festivities. Fun times. We saw the Netherlands lose to Brazil and that’s pretty much when I realized for the first time just how big soccer was.

…and when I became a fan of Brazil.

GOING FOR NUMBER SIX, BEECHES, YEAH!

Anyway, I guess my point for even mentioning this event was just to make people aware. Check it out! Watch a game or two, or even better, go to a sports bar somewhere where you know people will be watching. You might just get swept up in their excitement and become a fan yourself.

OHHHH woooooww…..

So I’m making a round of gossip blogs. I haven’t been to them lately as I’m on dial up and they are content rich places that take forever to load, but I was bored and couldn’t sleep sooo…

WHOA have I missed out on a lot!

Nick Cannon Sex tapes?!?!

Why did I laugh for about ten minutes after I read that headline? He is one of the lamest dudes ever to me. And what’s worse, they were supposedly made when he was 19 and on that lame All That show on Nickelodeon…the height of his career…lol, lol, lmao…

Now if you’ve read my blog for a little while, you might have picked up on me being a bit of a fan of Melyssa Ford. She along with Rhianna are some of God’s greatest examples of female beauty in my opinion. Rhianna’s face on Melyssa body was my definition of a perfect physical example of a female. And they are both frequently used as my blog header models.

I’ve just seen something that has made me upset though. Melyssa. What’s really going on…

What happened?!

Ms. Ford. You were one of my idols. I looked up to you so much. You could pretty much break any male because, I can’t even hate, your body was out of this world. You had what every female wishes they had, what every female strives for. The 36 24 36. The Jessica Rabbit. Heck, you WERE Jessica Rabbit! and now…

Your booty. It’s gone.

Now you’re just “Bang, bang” instead of “bang, bang, bang.”

Why did you lose the weight?! You were perfect! I’m so disappointed in you. I had even started a new layout featuring you, but now…

*sigh

Your once “smallest” fan,
KaNisa

Talked to Young Grasshopper today.

The more he talks the more he reminds me of who I will now refer to as “Old Grasshopper” (aka the ex). I swear “Young Grasshopper” is him six years ago, it’s uncanny…from workout habits to girl issues. I almost want them to talk to each other…so much wisdom to be shared…but that would be bad, right?

I need to stop trying to reform people.

“Young G” is currently torn between wanting to be free and an ex girlfriend. By my records/experience with “Old Grasshopper,” this ex girlfriend will more than likely be the future Mrs. Young Grasshopper in about six years…

In other news…

My mother is doing her job of driving me crazy. It was like she was following me around with a magnifying glass and I was the ant. “Nag, nag, nag…” didn’t even stop to take a breath. I had to go where she wouldn’t follow me…

So I decided to detail my po bug. She hates old cards and being outside in nature so I was sure she wouldn’t bother me too much. She came outside to throw things away and be nosy every once in a while, but it was manageable.

Oh!

And did I mention I’m speaking writing to you from my improved super fast supercomputer?! I’ve been hurting for a while from withdrawal. Me and the upgrader are going to have to fight about him wiping about a years worth of sims stuff from my hard drive, but to tell you the truth, I’m just glad my baby’s back….

I really enjoy going to work. Today the whole staff came in for a meeting before the mall opened. Turns out Sunday meetings are just putting up new promotional things. The camaraderie between everyone is really great albeit unprofessional at times. I mean, some of the topics of conversation are out of control, for real, from people’s experiences with drugs and alcohol to what happened last night at the strip club complete with profane words and everything.

I was shocked! Though thoroughly amused.

A couple of things I learned/heard:

The male translation of Blockbuster night is “Ballbuster” Night.

It’s common for females to use males for free meals and entertainment.

One of my co-workers and his wife are swingers.

There are places in Japan where you can have custom made Nike’s. (Where they measure your foot and you can pick out designs and colors and all that.)

One of the managers thinks me and “Young Grasshopper” are going to hook up.

A co-worker thinks I need a “Ray Ray” in my life to “break me off.”

I heard two co-workers go on and on about “juicy Georgia peaches.” (They nasty.)

“Your mother’s rectum is so cavernous that it could easily accept the passionate penetration of…” yeah.

“Yeah I went to {insert name here’s} birthday party. All these white people there all drunk, man, they forgot I was black…talking some shit…I was glad I had my gat on me…”

And they were all sober too.

There’s going to be a road trip to Tallahassee at the end of the month to visit the district manager for his birthday. I can’t even imagine what these people are like with alcohol in their systems…

Fastest three hours of my life.

Some people should really keep certain aspects of their life to themselves though, for real…

I don’t consider myself to be too funny/interesting but I do have my moments. Let’s take a journey…

Family Sayings Dictionary

P.R.I.V.A.T.E.S.

Me Against the World

Whitey

Being Made

Real Talk

The Youngest/Only Children

Late Night Musings from Rm. 108

I hate it when people spell/say my name wrong. Especially after I’ve corrected them several times.

K.a.N.i.s.a. NO H! MY NAME IS NOT KANISHA! GET IT RIGHT!

That’s so rude and disrespectful when people continuously get it wrong.

I also hate insensitive engineers that think they know everything. There is such a thing as delicacy and professionalism. Perhaps you should learn about those things. It might help people to not consider you a huge disrespectful, inconsiderate ASSHOLE!

*ahem.

Thank you and goodnight.

P.S. I take any kind of criticism horribly so if anyone ever has anything to say to me about how I am or something I did, it must be phrased with delicacy to not activate my defenses.

P.P.S. The strangest thing happened after I read that email. I was all snap snap and head wiggle, but a really arrogant or “i don’t know what” thought crossed my mind, like, “I bet he wouldn’t have been so rude if he saw how I looked” or “I bet he is an unattractive person who can’t get a date so he takes out his wrath on unsuspecting college students who want his approval in some way.”

That makes me a not so nice person I think…

…

I was for real about my name though….GET IT RIGHT BEECH!

One of the perks of being a Tech student is the ability to get discounts at Ferst Center Concerts. Every year since freshman year I’ve tried to go to at least one concert per semester and have always been presently surprised, especially since I’ve always managed to get a seat in the orchestra section (which is in spitting distance of the artists…not that I would spit or anything)

Freshman Year

First concert was my first date ever in life to a Peter Cincotti concert. I’d known who he was just through TV shows and everything and I’m a bit of a fan of Harry Connick Jr. so since Peter is his protégée, me and boyfriend went to check him out.

It was really nice. Old couples were looking at us with knowing glances. I definitely recommend Jazz concerts for dates, they are excellent.

Second concert I went to with boyfriend was Dave Koz. OH MY GOODNESS…BEST concert I’ve ever been to in recent years (Michael Jackson ones from back in the day beat all of course). The music..instant classics with me. I bought the CD went home found every CD I could find and put them away. He became my favorite smooth jazz artist that night. That Saxophonic album….WHEW.

Last of the semester was another Dave Koz concert, the Christmas Tour. I brought my parents to experience this one. They did the Christmas classics for the first half and Dave did songs from Saxophonic the second half. Once again, incredibly enjoyable.

Sophomore Year

First concert was Diane Schuur and Karrin Allyson. They were pretty entertaining. Had me thinking band leaders are the most arrogant people ever, but they had reason to think that.

Second concert, Fourplay. I felt a little gypped after this one. The concert was about an hour long and they didn’t have anyone come with them as opening acts or anything. At the end I’m thinking it was an intermission when it was actually over.

Junior Year

I had tickets for concerts, but couldn’t go for reasons that won’t be explained here…*sigh.

Senior Year

I am officially excited. One of the artists from a few entries back, my soundtrack to “Him” from the Collaboration Album, Earl Klugh will be visiting the Ferst Center in concert. I read that today and was like, Woooo-Yeeeah! I’m so excited. He’s one of my favorites, for real.

Diane Schuur and Karrin Allyson will be back this fall so I think they’re worth a repeat paying for their tickets to see.

A Peter White Christmas with Rick Braun and Mindi Abair will also be returning this year. I didn’t get to go last year because it was sold out, but I WILL be purchasing tickets during the student rush sale this year to make sure I make it.

The plan is to buy two tickets to these concerts and make sure I have someone to go with, preferably male. I mean, a year left of college, I need some experience as I’m sure once I cross that stage, opportunities to meet people will be even less…gotta at least try to make headway toward that Mrs. Degree…

Check out the Schedule

Not too much going on lately.

I thought I would document some family sayings and customs for remembrance purposes.

Family Sayings Dictionary

“You ain’t many?” | Are you feeling well?
“Sick as a dog” | Fever/Stomach problems
“Nye Nite” | Goodnight
#1 | “Liquid byproducts”
“Roughage,” #2 | “Solid byproducts”
#3 | “#1 + #2…”
“Do da bidness” | Go to the bathroom – dog version
“Draws” | Drawers or underwear
“Ice box” | Refrigerator
“TV Changer” | Remote control
“Strawberry Drink” | Big Red
“Going on in” | Going to bed
“Watch TV from behind my eyes” | Nap
“War wound” (Pronounced wa won) | a small injury such as a scratch or bruise
“Saddle up” | Prepare to leave

Childhood/Current Customs.

How to summon someone to bring toliet paper.
Scream “CAN SOMEBODY BRING ME SOME TOILET PAPER?!”
(pause three seconds)
“CAN SOMEBODY BRING ME SOME TOILET PAPER!”
Repeat until toilet paper arrives.

How to properly eat a meal
You must wait until Father sits down at the table. Then you must say “Jesus wept, right Daddy?”
Wait until he responds with, “right,” before eating.

Note: I actually said “Jesus wealth all my life until I saw Barbershop 2…that part where he says, “Jesus wept.” After hearing that, I asked my mother if that was what we were supposed to be saying all those years and found out it was. Nobody corrected me, shoot…

How to respond to seeing McDonalds’ yellow arches when passing one on a road trip
Say, “Donoooooooooooooooooooldsah”
Note: Hold the “ooooo” until the yellow arches are no longer in sight.

How to properly cross a state line
Count down from 10 seconds when approaching. If done properly, you should reach 1 exactly at the state line and say, “HAPPY NEW YEAR!”

Protocol for helping with yard work
Proceed outside, find father and scream over lawn mower, “Do you need any help Daddy?” Await signal of hand wave or nod. Prepare cold drinks and wait for the signal for lawn mower rides.

Random Greetings
The proper response to, “Asa Lama Laka” is a particular hand florish followed by, “Wa alaikum salam.”

Secret hand singals
There are two secret hand signals. If the hand signal is shown and not repeated within two seconds, a particular brand of punishment will occur. One is less severe than the other.

Note: I still can’t do the more severe one to this day…

aMAZing…

It’s really interesting how your mind can float to a thought you had conveniently forgotten about and make you feel very uncomfortable in general…

Like people giving other people a rings of certain importance and that giver of the ring later giving another ring of EXTREME importance that’s a bit of a follow up to the first ring?

Yeah…that made me feel extemely uncomfortable earlier today…

I ‘m coming to realize a few other things as well.

A thing called a “soul mate.”

For a while I thought soul mates are those people that you marry and spend the rest of your life with, but I’m beginning to think otherwise. I think you can be soul mates with people of the same sex, people of the opposite sex, whoever. They’re like friends, but they’re a little more. It’s not romantic, but it’s on that same plane…

Let me explain by example.

I think I might have found my soul mate.

I care for this person, and even love them, but not necessarily in a way that a female loves a male, or at least not anymore. I think before I felt I loved this person this way, but now I believe I was confused.

Superfially, we extemely similar. Both have same character traits (although some are more repressed than others), similar hobbies, sense of humore, etx. I think if I were male, I would be exactly him. I kind of look up to him too. I think he’s admirable but human.

I care very deeply for this person and am extremely protective of them. They’re never far from my mind, I pray for them all the time, and we have these moments that are so coincidental I can’t help but think we’re connected somehow in a way deeper than normal friends are…like I’d be thinking of calling them and they’ll call or I’ll be sending a text and they’ll call or I’ll be doing something for some reason and they’ll be doing the same thing. Days or months could pass and once we’re in touch again it would be like we never stopped talking. This person always makes me feel better when I’m upset, and strangely, it’s like they always know when I’m particularly upset about something because every time I can think of when I was really depressed or angry or sad, they’d contact me somehow like clockwork.

So what does this mean? Do I expect anything out of this connection? No I don’t. I understand that what I feel for this person isn’t romantic, but it’s on that same level. It’s that deep, but it’s different. I can definitely say that at some point I was attracted to them the way a female is attracted to a male and there were some moments where that attraction was dealt with in a physical way, and I can say sometimes I have the desire for that kind of “dealing” to continue, but at the same time, I don’t think that’s really what I want. I think I just want some physical way to communicate with this person on the level of what I feel for them and being “romantically physical” is the only way I know of connecting with someone on a deeper level…

It would be so much less complicated if this person were female..lol…

I’ve thought about it for a while though. Before I couldn’t really define my feelings toward this person as we are now, but I think that’s really what it is. “Soul mates” or a really tight, protective, friend-like person.

So at first I was a bit upset that I had to go to work today. I’d already planned to go see X-Men and got myself all hyped up about it by watching X2 last night. The plan was to go to the 4:30 show and get me something to eat on the way…

Until I got a call…at 3 o clock.

“Can you come in to work today? We can’t get a hold of the person who was supposed to come in.”

And of course doormat me said,

“Sure, No problem!”

For the love of money.

So 3:30 rolled around…my mother decided to start nagging me so I left as soon as I was dressed and partook in some cream cheese sugar cookies and a Dr. P on the way in. ( I know it sounds like a disgusting amount of sweetness, but the disgusting part didn’t kick in until about 75% of the way through the second cookie.)

I moseyed on in to the store put my stuff down, clocked in…started doing my store-ly duties.

My manger asked what I would have been doing had I not come in today and I told time the truth….I was actually on my way to the movies.

He was all, “really? You should have just said so! We could have gotten someone else.”

And I was all, “it’s no big deal, I’ll just go tomorrow.”

And he was all, “were you going with someone?”

And I was all, “subtext: boo” “No I was going by myself.”

And he was all, “I know someone who would have taken you.”

And I was all, “Oh really.” (note the use of the period there rather than the question mark.)

And the other chick that was working with us was all, “oh yeah, [insert name here]? He always looks at his schedule to see if he works the same time as you. He actually asked to work today so he could meet you.”

And I was all, “Hmmm. How old is he?”

And she was all, “19…”
And I was all, “*blank look”

And my manager was all, “but he’s really mature for his age.”

And chick was like, “yeah he really is.”

Manager was like, “I thought he was like 22 when he came in.”

And I was like “subtext: why are you guys so excited about this dude?” “If you say so.”

So said dude walked in a little while later. He was dressed in a black freshly pressed button down shirt, some dark khaki pants, and shiny shoes. He also looked like he had a fresh haircut. Albeit I always overdress for a job working in a video game store, but dang I kind of felt like booty standing next to him.

He smiled at me and got right to work, greeting customers, convincing people to reserve games…all that stuff we’re actually supposed to do.

I steered clear of him to just observe and do some shelf re-organization…caught him looking at me a few times. ..

After a while when business got slow he started asking questions. The movie situation had somehow reached him…

He was all, “who were you going with? Your boyfriend?”

*inwardwaly rolling my eyes, “No…me myself and I.”

“Oh, do you know a lot of people down here?”

“Not really no.”

“Yeah me neither. I go by myself to places too sometimes I ain’t mad at ya.”

During his observation period he was docked about 25 points for stereotyping customers, stereotyping me (assuming I play Sims just because I’m a girl….so what if I do? I just hate it when people try to fit me into a category), and using profanity when he doesn’t even know me. I hate that. I think it’s extremely rude for males to cuss around females they don’t know. If I have a son, that will be a very important thing for me to teach him.

Despite the point docking, he was the first person of the summer to rightly and completely pass the test of okay-ness and earn my phone number. For the following reasons:

He’s somewhat aesthetically pleasing.
He is academically ambitious (will be attending Hampton this fall)
He has the right proportion of geek/cool. (Geeky enough to appreciate things like Xmen but cool enough to not look like he appreciates things like Xmen.)
He was aggressive, but not overly so. (Kind of like, I like you, but I have options too.)
His style (although I’ve seen him once when he wasn’t working and he was wearing athletic-wear, he still cleans up nicely).

This person will hereafter be referred to as “Young Grasshopper.” I shall bestow my knowledge/influence unto him before he gets to college and is told that he’s halfway appealing which will assuredly go to his head (and I don’t mean the one on his shoulders) thus making his head feel he is entitled to things.

*Cue trumpet fanfare

WE MUST TEACH THE YOUNG ONES NOW! STOP THE OPPRESSION! EDUCATE THE JR.’S OF THE WORLD!

*Cue Pomp and Circumstance

Whilst I am a staunch supporter of the peni of the world, I feel that many must learn to wield a more constructive power on their holders. They have become quite selfish, causing their wielders to act in abominable ways. Whilst I have been a fierce supporter and even accomplice of said peni, I am taking steps to become a better person well actually, maybe not for a while just until I get bored or a another one comes along… Of course it won’t happen overnight, but I do know that any peni you take (or borrow) can be taken (or borrowed) from you and thus I must spread the cure of sensitivity and loyalty to all peni so that mine won’t be taken (or borrowed) when the time comes for me to acquire one. (And when I say acquire one I don’t mean for me personally…it’ll be attached to a male of course.)

Thank you and goodnight.

KaNisa
Newly appointed Secretary of Defense of P.R.I.V.A.T.E.S. (People Really Interested in Very Attractive Teens with Emerging Sex-appeal)

Busy Busy…

In that not really busy sort of way.

I went to see the Divinci Code today. It was a little different from the book, but good nonetheless. I’m glad they didn’t stray to far from the book. Hollywood tends to ruin ones that are halfway entertaining.

I’m about to try out another book adaptation in a few minutes, Shopgirl. I read the book by Steve Martin during my own “summer reading fest” last year and thought it was very smart. The movie says it’s a “romantic comedy” though so I’m a little suspicious…the book wasn’t too “comedic.” Here are some of my favorite parts of the book:

“There is nothing too mysterious about Ray Porter, at least in the usual sense of the word.

He is single he is kind, he tries to do the right thing, and he does not understand himself, or women, or his relationships with women. But there is one truth about him that can be said of a man who asks a woman to dinner before he has ever exchanged one personal word with her.

Mr. Ray Porter is on the prowl. He does not know Mirabelle, he has only seen her. He has responded to something visceral, but that visceral thing is only in him, not between them. Not yet. He only imagines the character that unites her clothes, her skin, and her body. He has imagined the pleasure of touching her, and imagined her pleasure at being touched. She is a feminine object that tweaks him at his animal best.

He does not know his further intent with her, but he is not trying to get what he wants at any expense. If he thinks he would harm Mirabelle, he would back away. But he does not yet understand when and how people are hurt. He doesn’t understand the subtleties of slights and pains, that it is not the big events that hurt the most but rather the smallest questionable shift in tone at the end of a spoken word that can plow most deeply into the heart. ”

“They made love slowly, and afterward his hand wraps around her waist and holds her. And even though the gesture is somehow compromised by a lack of final and ultimate tenderness, Mirabelle’s mind floats in space, and the five fingers that pull her toward him are received into her heart like a psalm. It is a comforting touch, a connection however tenuous, that makes her feel attached to something, someone, and less alone.

Although he does not know it, Ray Porter fucks Mirabelle so he can be close to someone. He finds it difficult to hold her hand; he cannot stop in the street and spontaneously hug her, but his intercourse with her puts him in proximity to her.

He presses his flesh against hers and his body mistakes her flesh for mind. Mirabelle, on the other hand, is laying down her life for him. Every time she gives herself to him, she sacrifices a bit of herself, she gives him a little more of her that he cannot return. Ray, not understanding that what he is taking from her is torn from her, believes that the arrangement is fair…”

“Mirabelle is not sophisticated enough to understand what is happening to her, and Ray Porter is not sophisticated enough to know what he is doing to her.

She is falling in love, and she fully expects her love to be returned once Mr. Porter comes to his senses. But right now, he is using the hours with her as portal to his own need for propinquity.

At this point in his transition from boy to a man, he does not know the difference between a woman who is feasible and one who is not. This is still to come. Meanwhile, his eye roams around and focus his unconscious on what can be a woman’s smallest desirable quanta. The back of her neck seen in the shadow of her hair. The arch of her foot resting in an open sandal…

These glimpses propel his desire, yet because he won’t admit to himself how small the thing is that he wants, he inflates it to include her entire self, so he won’t think of himself as a bad guy. Then a courtship begins, unconscious lies are told, and an enormously complex schema is structured, all to attain the mystery of an ankle that enters seductively into an over sized jogging shoe.”

“The conversation stumbles on, and Ray tells her he is sorry he hurt her. And he is, but inside he doesn’t know what he could have done differently. He is determined not to love Mirabelle; she is not his peer. He knows that he is using her, but he isn’t able to stop. And as powerful as their desire for each other remains, their conflicting goals stalemate them, and their relationship has failed to move forward, even the incremental amount necessary for it to stay alive.

They mumble some good-byes, Ray knowing it is not yet over, and with Mirabelle unable to think further than her own current pain. He continues his quest elsewhere for a single appropriate love with occasional dates, road trips, and flirtations, but he continues to care about Mirabelle in a way he cannot explain. His love for her is not the crazy love he expects to feel, the swinging delirious rhapsody that he has promised himself. This love is of a different kind, and he searches his mind for its definition.

Meanwhile, he maintains a belief that their relationship can go on undisturbed until the absolute right woman comes along, and he he will calmly explain their circumstance to Mirabelle and she will see clearly how well he has handled everything, and wish him well, and congratulate him on his reasonable thinking.”

“There is no way the tranquil waters in which his brain floats so serenely can also calm two testicles of an unattached twenty-seven-year-old male.”

For a person with a penis, Mr. Martin sure does understand what every woman goes through at least once. He wrote my life for the past year and a half, I swear…

I’m thinking of switching to full blown Wordpress after seeing how customizable it is. Blogsome is powered by Wordpress, but it’s not very modifiable due to security reasons. Another plus of using Wordpress is that I can host it on my own server…

The only thing that ‘s holding me back is changing my URL again. That tends to get annoying for people that might link to me….

We’ll see.

Creativity can be cruel…

I was up all night trying to finish websites. When it comes to those things, I’m such a huge perfectionist… and I’m on a very thin wire when it’s an all night session too…I was ready to kick people in the knee if they made any sudden movements by this morining, for real. Staring at code for hours can do that to people.

Glad I switched from Computer Science…I would have been a scary sight!

Here’s what I was working on:
andsoitislive.net
Bruthacode.com

Yes.

THE Bruthacode.com. I was honored when he asked for me to do it. I’ve been an avid reader since early 2005. I was like, WOOOOW a celebrity, (lol) and he gets a lot of daily hits too…WOOOW crazy exposure for me. Had to make sure it looked good.

Had to make sure my own site looked good also. I decided to be more traditional with the design and actually promote the design company I work for instead of just me. I think I might be a little too ambitious with offering services and tutorials on how to do stuff, but we’ll see. No use having your own domain if you don’t use all that lovely space…

Work wasn’t too busy today, not sale wise anyway.

I guess a girl working in a video game store is a bit rare. I was told I was beautiful/pretty three times toady…

Situation One:

While looking through the neighbors crap high school yearbook (I’m qualified to say such things, I promise. I was section editor) I noticed a dude of the Caucasian persuasion that had recently come in the store looking for Pauley Shore movies. I saw him in the store today and said…"Dude, do you go to so and so high school? I saw your picture in it the other day…Justin right?" and he was all, "yeah I remember you in the store the other day too!" We had conversation on his friends’ quest for the Pauley Shore movies and he left shaking my hand and saying "stay beautiful."

Situation Two:

An old man also of the Caucasian persuasion came in with his grandkids. I helped them pick out things and managed to "help" them buy about $150 dollars worth of stuff. He stared at me the whole time I was helping. As they walked away from the register, he told the kids "thank the pretty nigger lady."

Situation Three:

Rapper from the other day came by. I silently cursed myself for promising to give him my number if we ran into each other again….especially when I noticed the half smoked cigarette behind his ear and the scent of weed…and I don’t mean poison ivy. I don’t have to answer though right? Next time I see him after not answering I’ll have to say I’ve been busy working and whatever else. Then he’ll just get tired and leave me lone.

Random situations:

My chest has been popular today. Most customers were focused on it instead of my face. It was interesting. I took a tally. Out of 38 males, 34 of them made chest contact including my boss. I caught myself looking down to see what they were looking at myself. The 4 that didn’t look didn’t know what a chest was and what it might do to that strange snake between their legs.

Some random girl came in talking about some game I didn’t really care about. She was the nerdy I like anime such as "list random anime I’ve never heard of and proceed to explain the plot twists for ten minutes." I nodded patiently and tried to keep my eyes from glazing over.

My boss decided to divulge his recent home troubles. It really is a shame what happened, but dude, when you said you were having family issues, I didn’t ask because it’s none of my business so no need to share.

Man I sound like such a beech…must be the surge of testosterone from my "favorite" time of the month…

Onward thoguh…

Not cool at all.

I was watching TV today as my computer is in the shop, I didn’t have to go to work, and I had nothing better to do. I came across a new channel called BET J. I guess it’s BET’s attempt to prove some small faction of the network is still about the music. A show called “Grown Folks Music” was on. It was an hour’s worth of old and new R&B music videos.

I must say, the music videos of today have come a long way from their predecessors circa 1980.

Here are a few videos I saw:

Rude Boys – Written All Over Your Face

Granted, for about 18 years I thought they were saying, “sittin’ all over your face” and sang said lyrics with all my heart not knowing what the implications of such a phrase were, this video was a refreshing journey back to the 80’s. Sub par video quality, men wearing flowered hats, and body rolling movements abounded.

And I was in front of the TV doing the same.

Lionel Ritchie – All Night Long

There so many colors going on in this video, I needed shades…and I’m not even talking about what people were wearing. It was a multicultural parade of random people dancing from ballet to “modern dances” including but not limited to the running man and the esteemed roger rabbit. I had to change the channel periodically to regain my vision.

Whitney Houston – All the Man (That I Need)

This remix was a pretty nice one. It has high “sing in the show while no one else is home” levels. The video however, was lackluster. It included our favorite crackhead walking around an empty house (?) in an all black form fitting yet not revealing or sexually appealing (by today’s standards) outfit. There was also a bit with rain and a bit with her on stage with a hallelujah chorus of about 389 females.

Great song, but crap video. Can I get some flashbacks of you “crying yourself to sleep at night” or maybe some “” I mean…you’re okay looking but we don’t want to see you the whole time…

Prince – When Doves Cry

Now this dude. Wow. From the moment his skinny behind crawl naked out of a tub and across the floor, I was entranced. I actually think we may be the same size.

The outfits, the hair, the inability to even watch an early Prince video without thinking of the Dave Chappelle sketch…really too much to be said about this video. Interspersed with clips from Purple Rain, this video seemed to be the most shall we say “modern.”  I especially liked the split camera effect toward the end as well as the image of the face with the oh so realistic purple tear trailing down it.

I felt helpful today. Sold some of my favorite computer games to some people…(subtext: talked people into buying some games that I like). I feel that they will enjoy them.

A couple of interesting situations…

Situation One:

It went downhill from there. 

Older dude (say 40 or so) lingers in store for about 30 minutes.

Older Dude: Excuse me, not to seem rude, but this has been bugging me. How old are you?
Me: Twenty-one.
Older dude: Really? You look about 16 or 17!
Me: Ha ha…(subtext: and you look like you’re 50 you dirty old man. Go away.)

Situation Three:

"If we run into each other again, I’ll consider it."

I didn’t want to be like, "no Ray Ray" right off as he did seem halfway intelligent…

I guess I can be pretty mean but man athletic wear and overt "can I get your numbers" always annoy me. I mean, you don’t even know me. How do you know I’m not crazy? And why do you go around picking up females in malls? I don’t know…sounds pretty lame but that’s just me.

Just call me Samson.

I mentioned yesterday that I was going to get my hair done today…and boy…what is done.

She cut off about eight (subtext: two) inches citing dead ends as her reasoning.

I have never had hair this short in my life!

I’m going to wallow in bed (subtext: take a nap). Goodnight. (subtext: afternoon)

First day of work today.

Did a whole lot of nothing…I mean I learned the ropes pretty much but still, not a lot of business today.

I ended up spending a good amount of money there myself. An anime series I used to watch back in the day was on sale for $9.99 (retail $99.99). I couldn’t pass it up! That’s like 90% off! And it completes my collection of that series (pretty much).

I also got an add on for my Sims game…

I’m such a nerd.

In other news…

Tonight is the series finale for Will & Grace. I used to watch it regularly when it came on before/after Scrubs, but I haven’t watched lately. I think I will tonight though. It’s one of the only shows on TV that makes me laugh genuinely every time I see it.

I’m getting my hair done tomorrow. It might possibly be cut also. I’m trying to grow it out for real, and thus need to start over. I’m sure I’ll cry because I’m very sensitive about my hair length as it’s never been short, but whatever it takes…

My po Akanie is officially blind now I’m sure. I put her food in front of her and she still couldn’t find it, at least, not until she ran into it. I feel bad. It really isn’t her fault. The parents didn’t administer her eye medicine while I was at college and this is the result.

Poor thing.

Trip to the Library

Restocked on books. Here’s what I got:

I re-checked out Di Vinci Code for my mother to listen to. She’s the most opinionated person when it comes to the book and how wrong it is, but she’s never read it.

The Rising by Tim LaHaye and Jerry B Jenkins
By the writers of the Left Behind series, this is about the childhood of the anti-christ depicted in the Left Behind books.

The Secret Supper by Javier Sierra
A FICTION book written about Di Vinci’s Last supper and its relation to the Grail legend.

Denial By Keith Ablow
I’m not entirely sure what this book is about. All I do know is that it’s psychological thriller about some aspect of psychiatry…

[book I will not admit to reading]

There’s always at least one book I get that I won’t admit to reading. It’s always some really girly lame book that is always checked out through the self checkout option and later slid into the book return receptacle outside the library for stealth purposes.

When I showed my mother my choice of books (sands the one I wouldn’t admit to reading) she suggested that I read the bible because the books I’m reading are evil.

She’s officially turning into one of those old superstitious people…for real. She thinks that because my sister is reading the Di Vinci Code after refusing to watch Passion of the Christ that she’s anti-christian.

I also think she’s a conservative that votes Democrat, but that’s another entry…

Dial up internet.

DRIVES ME CRAZY! Why does it take five minutes for one webpage to load? And why do we live out in the boonies where high speed cables can’t reach us?

Touchy family members

Gone are the days where mother pulls down your shirt and looks down to see if you’re wearing a bra. But here all the days of “covertly” rubbing your back to see if you’re wearing one, barging in the bathroom to ask a question while you’re bathing and then staring, and making comments about how certain body parts look in different clothes.

I find myself covering my behind more when she’s around then when the Ray Ray’s are.

It’s weird. I’m a pretty affectionate person, but I can’t STAND being touched by family members…or having them in my personal space.

Do not touch me. Do not slap my behind. Do not rub my back. Stand five feet away at all times and divert your eyes please.

Touchy family members Pt. II

I absolutely HATE it when my dad places his hand on or near his crotch while driving. Or when he idly scratches his boys then replaces his hand in the near crotch vicinity.

DISGUSTING!

Mother does her own version of it but it happens when crossing her arms over each other (kind of what pouting is), idly brushing breast or nipple area.

PARENTS, KEEP ALL HANDS AND FINGERS AWAY FROM BODY PARTS AS TO AVOID ANY HINT OF YOU PLEA…PLEASUR…ICK

*throws up in mouth a little

PLEASE! HAVE MERCY ON YOUR CHILDREN!!!! WE DON’T WANT TO SEE THAT! THAT’S NASTY!

Being bothered when I’m in the middle of something….

In the middle of a well needed nap. I hear a shout from downstairs.

KAAANIIISSA.

Ugh. Leave me lone!

KAANIIIIISSSSAAA!

Maybe if I don’t answer they’ll leave me alone…

*hears loud stomping across living room, up stairs, the door slams open.

KANISA!

No need to yell I’m right here….maybe if I just lay here a while she won’t notice me.

KANISA!

*she turns on the light, comes to my bed,  magically finds my butt and slaps it.

UUUUGGHHH!!! Groan.

Are you hungry?

No.

Okay well there’s food in the kitchen.

*she leaves turning off the light AND the fan and leaves the door open.

DOOR AND FAN!

She closes the door and turns the fan back on.

Scenario 2: Night of no parents

7:00 – 9:00 play sims and watch a movie
9:00 – 10:00 watch scrubs finale
10:00 – until read until sleepy

7:38 PM – Father comes in the house and yells…

“DEEE?!?!! AW DEEEE?!?!” (That’s what my dad calls my mother. Where it came from I have no idea… her name is Venus.)

I come out pretending I was printing something out like he told me to do even though I was writing this, playing sims, and watching a movie.

“Where’s your mother at?”

“Taking a bath.”

“Did you find the information?”

“Yeah it’s printing now”

He goes to their bedroom and pesters my mother. Minutes later he comes out and says,

“I need you to go pick up a battery in town.”

(We live about 30 minutes away from ‘town’.)

Night unpleasantly off schedule.

*sigh…

Went in to Babbage’s to fill out paperwork. It seems that I will be a video/computer game salesperson this summer. I was kind of disappointed since my discount there is only 15%, but we DO get a 30% discount at Barnes and Noble and the ability to check out new games for free for “employee education”. I feel that this employee especially needs lots of “education”…

My sister started her obstetrician rotation yesterday. (She’s in her last year of med school and they go through rotations to have wide experience with the different facets of MD.) It was a shocking day for her. A woman who had two miscarriages lost her third baby as she was delivering it. The feet were coming out first and the mother’s cervix closed around the baby’s head, decapitating her.

Tell me why my mother laughed when she told me this? She claimed that sometimes something is so horrible that you have to laugh, but I questioned her sanity right then. I really did.

I finished listening to the Di Vinci Code last night around two in the morning. Interesting stuff, really. I don’t want to ruin it and discuss it here, but I do believe it’s worth the read. I can see why people are getting upset over it, but I do believe it’s convincing FICTION. Haven’t decided if I want to see the movie yet though. The last book adaptation I saw (War of the Worlds…have mercy) made me want to swear adapted movies off forever.

Next I’m going to really try to get through the Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield. I tried to read it at school, but never had time to finish it.

Still other news…

It wouldn’t be right if I didn’t give you the lowdown on new candy emerging from the vaults of M&M Mars. The latest I can tell you about are:

Dark Chocolate M&M’s

Snicker’s Peanut Caramel Chews
(Think Snicker Bars without the nougat)

Be on the lookout!

That is all.

Love. What is it? Is it something you can touch, smell, feel? Can you see It? Can you feel it? Can you even name it?

It’s the scariest feeling in existence…

It’s the most violent action in the universe.

But on the whole, It’s a completely indescribable.

I heard spoken word a few weeks ago on the subject of “Love.”  The speaker said he wasn’t worthy of her love, that no one was.  She said that she couldn’t help it, she couldn’t stop it, couldn’t control it. It wasn’t anything that he did, and nothing he could do that would stop her from feeling that way or even to make her feel that way. It just was. I wish I knew who she was so I could listen to her again, or at least put her poem on here for people to hear.  Although “Love” is indescribable, she still described It pretty well.  She was able to explain how it was supposed to be between a man and a woman.

I was especially impressed when she said there is no word that could justly describe “love.” I agree. From now on it will be referred to as: “___________”

So “_________.” I’m going to try to describe It for myself. Referencing the song, “I’ll Cover You” from Rent and adding a little more just in case it sounds familiar…

(Female)
Trust in me.
I’ll nurture you, encourage you, support you
All you have to do is trust me with your love
And I’ll do anything for you

(Male)
Let me past your barriers and into your heart
I don’t have much to offer, But I can give you all of myself
I’ll always be there to provide for you
I’ll do anything for you

(Together)
Love isn’t love unless it’s mutually sincere
You gave me your love and have allowed me to see an incredible reality
You are my LIFE and I am yours.

I’ll be your comfort, your warmth

(Female)
Protect me and I’ll support you

(Male)
Support me and I’ll protect you

(Together)
Through everything, no matter what happens our love is true and will stand up to anything
When you feel hopeless in any situation
I will always be there for you
To support you, to love you
Until the day you die, and even after…

I’ll ________ you.

Absolute mutual trust. Trusting your heart, your mind, your absolute soul to another human. Trusting your absolute life to them. 

It’s an emotion, a verb that God himself bestows on his people. GOD HIMSELF. An ethereal emotion. Something reserved for a parent and their child. Something reserved for two “_______”ers brought together by God.

BY GOD can you imagine?

Someone is out there that was chosen by God to be yours and only yours. They were created specifically for you just as you were created specifically for them.  Someone is out there that is worthy of you trusting them so deeply and completely; to point where you would never even THINK about doubting their feelings or devotion because you have no doubt that they are a gift for you from God.

Can you imagine?!

“_________.”

I’ll Cover You
By Jonathan Larsen

(Female) 
Live in my house I’ll be your shelter,
Just pay me back with one thousand kisses,
Be my lover and I’ll cover you.

Open your door I’ll be your tenant,
Don’t have much baggage to lay at your feet,
But sweet kisses I have to spare,
I’ll be there and I’ll cover you.

I think they meant it when they said you can’t buy Love
But I know you can rent it a new lease you are my Love,
On life,
Be my life.

Just put me on I’ll be your blanket
Whenever wherever I’ll be your coat
You be my king and I’ll be your castle
You be my queen and I’ll be your moat

I think they meant it when they said you can’t buy Love
But I know you can rent it a new lease you are my Love,
On life,
Oh my life

I’ve longed to discover something as true as this is
So with a thousand sweet kisses (when you’re cold and you’re lonely)
With a thousand sweet kisses (You’ve got one nickel only)
With a thousand sweet kisses (When you’re worn and you’re tired)
With a thousand sweet kisses (When your heart has expired)

Oh lover, I’ll cover you
Oh lover, I’ll cover you.

It’s Mother’s Day.

I know I should be pretty much worshiping my mother and carrying her around on my back, EVERY DAY, because of all she does for me, but alas that is not possible.

To be honest, I woke up angry.

Sometimes I think I try to sleep a lot to escape from reality. I think I have more control over my dreams than real life. When awake, I can’t stop thoughts about people that irk the HELL out of me. I can’t STAND rude, inconsiderate, undeservedly conceited people, especially when they’re more than a year younger than me. I mean, I know I’m not that far out of my teenage years, but 19 year olds are the most presumptuous, rude, uncouth people in the WORLD. I swear! Actually, I don’t think I liked 19 year olds when I WAS 19…

I was thoughtfully brooding similar thoughts as I made breakfast this morning. I tried the family biscuit recipe which turned out well despite my surly attitude while making it. Bacon, sausage, and a fruit salad (made of pineapple, cantaloupe, watermelon, strawberries and green grapes) were also on the menu. All was presented outside on the back porch table on the good china I’m supposed to inherit when I get married. The sun was shining, I cut the grass a few days ago so the lawn looked manicured, the pecan trees blew in the wind…

The only thing missing were slave spirituals sung by the field hands carried to us on the magnolia scented breeze…

(We are in Georgia after all. And there are magnolia bushes by the porch and they were quite scented).

I tried my best to be quiet, nod, and smile as I was raised to do…the don’t speak unless spoken to kind of thing.  Besides, I was very much aware that anything coming out of my mouth would be tinged with misdirected “attitude”.

After breakfast, mother and I went to her kuntry A church. Usually that warrants an entry in itself, but I’ll be good and only mention that I triumphantly resisted the urge to scrape the scar tissue that was on the face of the parishioner in front of me. It resembled charbroiled meat. By the end of the service, I was convinced it could be scraped off with a butter knife.

Drove home, replied to an inappropriate text message received during church, started dinner.

Had an incident with the grill, but it all turned out okay. In my own defense, I did not cause the flames to be that high; It was windy. I made grilled (then later baked due to the incident) honey/orange/teriyaki leg quarters (I ain’t saying what was in the honey/orange/teriyaki mixture), snap green beans, and boiled potatoes. I was going to try the family roll recipe but we didn’t have any yeast.

Everything turned out well.

Cooking really does take your mind of wanting to slap the heck out of bratty nineteen year olds…

P.S. Every day that passes makes me more and more hateful of Atlanta “Hip Hop” and the club scene. That’s an entirely different entry altogether actually, but I just wanted to say so.

P.P.S. What’s up with all this Propaganda about the Divinci Code? I decided to investigate for my self. I went to the library on a quest for the book. They didn’t have itso I took the lazy man’s route and got the audio book instead; 13 CD’s of sacrilege. My afternoon should be an interesting one.

P.P.P.S I have an interview with Disney tomorrow at 9:30. Why I chose a time so early in the gosh darn morning is beside me…*sigh

That is all.

Decided to get up, get out, and do something today.

My computer and I needed some space for a little while. We were getting bored with each other and I need a final push of inspiration to finish a project. Thought I might find it in nature.

My mother was made an honorary member of the Future Farmers of America last night at an awards ceremony. I think that’s a hoot and a holler. You might be a redneck if… lol. They gave her a huge fern and some marigolds.

I feel sorry for the two plants. I put down money that they would both be dead within a week…my mother is like the grim reaper of plants, seriously.

I really do like the fern though. I think I might just take care of it myself. I also planted some bulbs I got earlier this year today. I’ve forgotten what they are now, but I know they grow pretty quickly into some type of flower.

Yep, green thumb KaNisa…now I guess I’ll go pick up some limbs and cut the grass…

eta: I’ve always wanted to live in an orchard of some kind. It’s my dream to retire on one. I’d gather housewives (grandmothers) on weekends for little parties to pick (insert product here) and make pies, preserves, and other various things.

MY NECK! MY BACK! MY NECK AND MY BACK! AND MY LEG TOO!!!

My brain was really active last night.

I had an interesting cornucopia of dreams, some which I don’t remember entirely, but I do know all of them were quite interesting.

The first one I believe came from me wanting to play Prince of Persia before going to bed and not being able to find the disk.

Whenever I play computer games in my dreams, I somehow always get sucked into them. I was the “Princess of Persia,” the Prince’s sister. There was nothing too interesting happening other than me running along walls, avoiding spiky traps, and chasing after fast moving boats to recapture a lost powerful statute of my kingdom…

Another dream involved me and my roommates. I had some kind of special digital camera that allowed me to take pictures of other people with the same camera, regardless of where they were. The ex had just gotten the same type of camera, and while we were trying to figure out how it worked, I got transported to where he was Myst linking book style from back in the day.

Somehow, the rest of my most recent roommates were also transported. He had random people in his apartment. I saw his godson there and he was in wonderment that I knew so much about him.

So everyone was hanging out for a while and suddenly the lights went out. We could se two people coming toward us, one female the other male. Everyone in the room start clapping and a spotlight was put on the couple. It was the ex and his fiancé. I hadn’t met her before, so I was kind of curious as to what she was like. She sat on a couch near me and I just watched her, not saying anything. The ex sat down next to her and she kind of lounged on him. Not in a “this is mine so back off way” but in an I’m about to go to sleep because I’m bored and or drunk sort of way.

I wanted and tried to talk to her, but she wasn’t very responsive. Giving up, I went to go look for the camera to transport everyone back home, but not before hugging the ex’s fiancé and kissing her personal biscuit. (I literally mean biscuit too. A piece of bread. For some reason, I associated it with her).

After finding the camera, I couldn’t figure out how to transport back. It was getting more and more important TO get back because we had to check out by noon and it was 11:30. Eventually around 11:57, I figured out that you have to move the camera in your destination to something you can focus on really well. Then you’re supposed to stare at it until you can no longer discern if you’re looking at a picture or the real thing. The moment it looks real, you’re transported back.

I was transported to my room at home seemingly until I opened my bedroom door and found myself at the school where  I went to fifth and sixth grade/my high school (they were both combined). I knew inherently that I was supposed to be in class, so I went to Algebra (?) and my other roommates were already there.

The rest of the dreams made even less sense than these. I vaguely remember David Blaine attempting a record of having his head in a fishbowl for seven days…

So I had my interview at Babbage’s today.

They acted like they’ve never seen an interviewee in a suit before! They were like, "we’re so impressed that you came with a suit, a resume, and a list of experience" (games I’m familiar with). Not only did they offer me a job, but the district manager is calling Friday about a potential manager position! I was really surprised that they were so impressed! I mean…I’m not ALL THAT…

Well…maybe I am…

Another opportunity is on the horizon. My sister has a connection with the Disney college program. Not only would I be paid to work in the park somewhere, I could also earn up to 12 hours of college credit! My housing would come out of my paycheck of barely over minimum wage though so I’m not too sure about that. I think the only advantages would be that I’m away from home and around other college aged people.

Before the interview, that was looking mighty good especially given the current situation with "Daddy Dearest" but a managerial position would definitely look more appealing on my resume…

…

First I would like to THANK GOD ALMIGHTY BLESS HIS HOLY NAME! For allowing two of my professors to believe in grade curving. One professor allowed me to have an A while the other allowed a very tough B. May you both live long and prosper.

Now I need just one more grade. Since I got at least one A, I can afford a C somewhere, although I would preferably not have any at all. I’m pretty sure my third class is a B, it could be an A, but I’m pretty sure it’s a B. My fourth class though? I never went to get my tests for fear of failure. I mean I don’t think I did too badly on them, but I really have no idea what that grade might be because I never went to look at any of my grades.

In other news…

Went on a job hunt today. I submitted applications to the following stores:

Rue 21

I don’t particularly want to work there. After opening my mind up to the following stores I thought the others might be more beneficial.

Victoria’s Secret

Although I’ve heard horror stories from people that work here, they do get great discounts and I am a regular customer.

Body Shop

Also a regular customer here and at Venus Swimwear their online counterpart. The manager there looked like a hater though. She took one look at where I went to high school and college and sent me a "i bet you’re saddity" look.

Babbages

How cool would it be to work in a game store? I mean, since I’m getting an XBOX in a couple of weeks (woot) I’ll have employee discount access to both computer games AND XBOX games? The world isn’t ready. I’ll be straight GHOST with all the gaming all be doing…

The manager looks like a Chester too. It’s tough being this cute.

Circuit City

This could potentially be as "bad" for me as Babbages, I mean, working at Circuit City, I’ll have access to discounted electronics and computer accesories…

…

but daddy, I NEED this liquid cooling computer console!

perhaps it’ll be even worse actually…

So yeah.

I have an interview at Babbages Wednesday. We’ll see how it goes.

Rained all yesterday morning, perfect weather for moving out.

Luckily, the whole being charged a good amount of money for moving out late may not happen since everyone was a graduating senior and wasn’t moving out earlier than today anyway. I’m glad that was resolved…was in a funk about that one.

It’s back to the land of dial up. My po supercomputer is like WTF? You expect me to use THIS?! Don’t you know who I am? (She must not KNOW who I am), I’m the supercomputer! I’m mo hit you with your own pimp!

(Sorry went off on a Juggernaunt spill there)

So yeah slow country days for a couple of months now. Gotta go see abot my job tomorrow…

Everyday I learn something new.

Went to a club for the third time in life. Such ignorance everywhere. The DJ was not impressive and was actually very juvenile and crass. Had me constantly asking myself why I was even there in the first place.

Witnessed some really scary things tonight. I think I really have been sheltered most of my life. Something that happens every day can really affect me immensely. It’s amazing how a liquid can completely change you, or even kill you…

A situation I witnessed tonight has made me never want to pick up a drink again. I think the context of whatever situation you’re in can effect your mood when tippin em back. Like for instance, in celebration, drinking can loosen you up and make you have fun. My 21st birthday wasn’t the funnest experience of my life, but it was a good time. When you’re upset about something though, it really can make you have a terrible night.

I had a shot of tequila myself and I was cool until something happened to someone I care about. I think it sobred me a great deal, and made me angry and upset and disappointed… embarrassed. During a time I should be happy and celebratory for my people who have conquered Tech, I actually feel just tired, annoyed, scared, tipsy, a little nauseated and incredibly disappointed.

The club scene really isn’t worth it.

I really don’t get what the appeal is.

Why would you want to get drunk to the point of risking your life? Why would you let someone you care about do that to themselves? How can you be all upset about it one minute and be scrubbing the floor ten minutes later?

I don’t get it. I really don’t.

DISCLAIMER: KANISA GOT ABOUT TWO HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT DUE STUDYING AND IT BEING EIGHT HUNDERED AND NINTEY THREE DEGREES IN THE APARTMENT DUE TO A SICK ROOMATE. IT IS SHOULD THUS BE ACCEPTED THAT HER ATITUTDE IS UNDERSTANDIBLY SOUR. BEWARE OF UNCHARACTERSTIC MEANNESS, GROSS EXAGGERATION, AND QUESTIONABLE VOCABULARY.

Look at me America! I’m officially a college senior!

Although there was a definitely rite of passage process happening this morning. I was anally raped on that final.  I loved the way the study guide in no way resembled the content of the test.  Each question progressively got more offensive as it went on.  By the end, I was ready to slap the TA.

After looking up the answers as I dejectedly left class, I thought it would be convenient to sell back my books so I wouldn’t have to leave my room later and also to achieve maximum sleep opportunities, however, the line for book buyback was extraordinarily long. I was SO annoyed that people would clearly hear that they were supposed to have their student ID’s out before they got to the counter yet they still acted confused when the person asked for it, thus prolonging the amount of time I had to stand in line AND the amount of time I had to wait before returning to sleep

Then most people couldn’t even FIND their Id’s or took their precious time pulling books out of their bookbags once they got up to the counter. By the time it was FINALLY my turn, the whole process took approximtely 1 minute and 48 seconds. 

It could have been faster but the lady handing out the money was older than dirt.

After lesiurely jaywalking in front of a police car, I reached the Trolley with perfect timing. Didn’t even have to slow my roll as I walked on. HOWEVER, the driver decided to go about 20 miles an hour on the journey back across campus. He was even stopping for squirrels and shit! I was like GOOD LAWD JUST LET ME GET OUT AND WALK! I could probably do the running man at a moderate pace all the way back to my room and still beat him!

Oh the unfairness of it all! Alas and woe is me.

So I switched to new "hormones" the other day.

I noticed that I’m already starting to have side effects. I’m a little more tired than usual and sore in places that I haven’t been sore in since puberty. Looking around the internet, I found that my particular brand is known for a couple of things, one being triggering outlandish breast growth, which explains the soreness. One woman said she went from a size B to a size DD without any growth anywhere else! Lots of women also say it pads the booty and legs a bit.

I know they say taking "hormones" usually makes women gain weight and grow in certain areas, but I’ve been a couple of different brands and have never experienced any of those side effects. I’m kind of scared about these pills though! I read somewhere that a transsexual used it to induce the growth of his breasts! He grew a whole size in a month!

Have mercy!

However…

I can stand about ten pounds of padding in various places. I am about 20 points underweight…

*Knocks on wood

So seeing as how I’ll offifically be a college senior after Friday, I thought it might be time to figure out the graduate school situation. I was looking around at different websites to see what how I should plan out my last year and it seems that most of the better schools require at least two years of experience before entering school. I think that makes since, but it doesn’t do much for my plan to enter grad school immediately after undergrad. I think there are a good number of leadership training opportunties that companies offer like Johnson & Johnson’s Information Management Leadership Development Program so I think I’ll probably be okay, but still, that isn’t actually who I want to work for upon graduating, and I’d rather work for someone who will pay for my education…

Anyway, here are some schools I’m considering though:

Howard University School of Business

Barry University

Northwestern University

NYU

Loyola Marymount University

So I guess the plan is to keep the GPA above a 3.0 and start stocking up on GMAT workbooks…

*Cue music from Rocky…

BOO, Boo, boo, boo, CHIT, Chit, chit, chit,

BOO, Boo, boo, boo, CHIT, Chit, chit, chit,

BOO, Boo, boo, boo, CHIT, Chit, chit, chit,

(continues)

(*cue student running desperately across your field of view in slow motion)

Na, na na, na na, na.

Na, na na, na na.

Na, na na, na na, na.

Na, na na, na na…

Finals week started Monday. I haven’t really ventured outside my room until today since I had to present a final project during a finals period. I was running late myself but it was hilarious how when one person saw someone running toward their building other people would start running and it turned into a whole bunch of panicked students running.

In other news…

I got a wireless keyboard and mouse. I think those things are terrible, I mean, now I have even less reason to get out of bed. If I had a bedpan, it would be over.

T-4 days until lockdown. Gone will be the days of accessible alcohol, even though (alas!) I think I may be allergic. Gone will be the days of late night chats about nothing. Gone will be the days of being around anyone under the age of 53.

Here will be the days of oppression. LET MY PEOPLE GO!

I’ll be working and jobbing though so I won’t be at Tech forever, and so I can be subjected to minimal amounts of nagging.

There will be none of that mother. There will be none of that…

Or things I WILL do before I die.

Listening to Paul Hardcastle. I really love smooth jazz.

Every time I hear this kind of music, I always get a strange combination of feelings. I feel like I’m in another world almost, and somehow psychic, like this music will be playing during at a very important time in my life or it’ll play when I’m with an incredible person that can’t even be described in words …

Maybe that’s what it is, maybe it articulates what I want to be in the future. Maybe it reminds me that there is someone out there that is completely amazing and thinks I’m completely amazing too. Maybe it represents my mature self at a time when I am completely satisfied with just being me. All I know is that I can’t wait until the time all these feelings are current and not a foreshadowing for the future…

Here are some specific albums that take me there…

The Jazzmasters III | Paul Hardcastle | Vacationing with “The One”

Listening to this CD, I always imagine being somewhere exotic. I’ve always wanted to go to a tropical island, but not one that everyone goes to. When I do go, I’m doing it big and I’m going with “Him.” By that time, we’ll be married. We’ll take a trip in November sometime to the South Pacific, maybe somewhere like Bora Bora. We’ll stay on the ocean (literally) in a bungalow and spend all day watching the ocean, relaxing, and enjoying each other’s company. The images of this place are so beautiful, I know just being there would be an incredible experience….

Collaboration | George Benson & Earl Klugh | Driving along a coastline with "The One"

It’s that time just before sunset. It’s November. The sky is painted in brilliant autumn colors, the temperature is a warm 80 degrees, and I’m in my drop top’s passenger seat cruising Cali’s Big Sur scenic highway with "Him" as my chauffeur through paradise. We’ve got Collaboration Blasting and we’re just driving to no where in particular, sometimes stopping to take pictures, sometimes chatting about the secrets of life, or even discussing what will be doing as we hobble around together at the age of 90.  Finally, once the sun sets, we will find a secluded beach somewhere, pull of the road, and "dot dot dot"…*smile

In The Zone | Wayman Tisdale | Condo, Whistler Vancouver BC

I think this picture explains things well enough….

after a day of competition on the slopes of course!

Over the past week or so I’ve learned something new about a situation I’m dealing with.

It’s been a part of my life for a long time now, and as such has been ingrained as being a large influence on the future choices I make. This experience has brought a range of feelings from frustration and sadness to the most incredible and intense feelings of ecstasy and joy. Before, I didn’t want to say much about it as to not harp on it, but now I think I can finally say….

Prince of Persia the Two Thrones is KaNisa’s pick for favorite game of the year (so far).

I remember way back in the day with the first Prince of Persia. My sister brought it home on one of those disks that could be read on a Mac and PC. They played the game a lot on yearbook staff, and she thought it would be fun to add to our computer game library. We all played for a while, had photocopies for the manual as it was a bootleg copy and you need it to play the game….(ie copy protection levels asked things like, what is the first letter of the third word on page 32 on which if you got it wrong then the poor prince was killed) but essentially, the game was impossible to beat.

Prince of Persia Two had a similar level of impossibleness…however, I got the furthest between my oldest sister and me. My other sister just watched us play….I remember having radio mix tapes playing TLC, Kriss Kross, in the background while we whacked a flying screaming heads…

Then there was a hiatus of PoP games…until 3D came out.

Which was a monstrosity. I played it for maybe five minutes and was like “f that.” The prince didn’t have the response time like his 2-d counterpart.

Then came the Sands of Time.

Wonderful! Marvelous! Magnificent!

I think it was a little easy because I solved it without any “game enhancements” (aka cheat books) but I still really loved how the game ran and the wonderful addition of the Sands to rewind mistakes and such.

The one after that, I couldn’t really get into. I think they rushed it out because the graphics are lacking and the game itself threw you into the action too fast and was more fighting based.

Now with this latest chapter in PoP history, I’m just loving it. The quality of the graphics is the same as Sands, and once again, the puzzles aren’t particularly difficult. I also feel extra special because I can perform attack combinations that look cool.

Excellent! Splendiferous! Wheat!

Okay I think I’ve shown enough of my inner nerd this week, but I just had to comment on this wonderful game. GO OUT AND BUY IT TODAY!

A sticker should be stuck on my forehead…

WARNING: WILL STEAL LECTERN NOTES AND CAUSE MASTER OF CERMONIES TO CHASE HER DOWN. SHE IS ALSO SUBJECT TO FLUBBING ELEMENTARY WORDS.

*sigh…

So Georgia Tech had their annual awards ceremony today. I was presenting an award for the NPHC organization of the year. First they didn’t get the update that I was supposed to present it instead of someone else which was boo. Then I took the lectern notes with me…and they were all KANISA, and ran after me…

I was like, “my bad…” (of course i actually wasn’t but i was in my mind”

Then the Greek Council which is comprised of all the governing boards of IFC, Panhellenic, and NPHC were presenting an award to a faculty member. I didn’t know I was supposed to help with that presentation as well so I’m all walking to take my seat when, once again, I’m chased down to go back up there…and have trouble saying “recipient…”

Alas…

Well now they know better than to have antisocial people present things…

In other news…

Today was actually an unselfish day. Running around everywhere, doing stuff for people…I really am very tired. Coming up next is a marathon study session and the conclusion to a final project. I really want to just play or design something…perhaps I may procrastinate a little bit before it all goes down…

So I have this tradition.

At least once a week, I go to Barnes and Noble before my class. I get a Grande Mocha from Starbucks, (and laugh as they look on in horror while i pour extra sugar and chocolate in to mask the coffee taste) and settle myself in the graphic novel section of the bookstore. I usually catch up on the novels I used to read back in the day, but I also keep up with a new series I read called Kare Kano as they are still being translated and released every month.

I read the most recent chapter of the series yesterday, and man, I was reminded why I loved manga and anime so much. The story starts of so simply, but eventually the most complicated tales are spun…I mean…for example, this series I’m reading, which actually might kick Sailor Moon of the top of my favorites (of course it was there for nostalgia, but as far as content goes)…

Kare Kano is about an overachieving school age girl. She worked hard to be at the top of her class, is admired by both male and female students, and is involved in a leadership position in many prominent school organizations. On her first day when electing class representative, she was beat about by her male rival. He had the same accolades as she did and what’s more, his family was a line of prominent Tokyo doctors.

After being rivals for a while, they fall in love and yada yada yada…dude comes more into himself through his love of ole girl. She helped him express himself and face his inner demons concerning his family. He says his motivation to be perfect is so he won’t be like his parents. Keep that in mind, that’s important.

years pass…

They’re nearing their high school careers.

The two have sex. (They didn’t show it of course…something like a big empty text bubble shaped like an explosion…you know how it is)

The story shifts to focus on the family of the male lead through a series of flashbacks. Turns out his parents aren’t actually his parents, they’re his aunt and uncle. His mother abused him when he was young, and his father didn’t even know he had a son. After hearing that her son was so successful, the mother comes back into his life and tries to manipulate him into giving her money. Of course he doesn’t and she fades away, for a while.

Later, the father comes back to Tokyo after being in America promoting himself as a piano player. Turns out he was also abused as a child also as he was exiled from the family for being illegitimate at a very young age. Around the age of 5 or so, he comes to live with the family and is treated unfairly by everyone except his father. The other family members were jealous of the favor their father showed on him, but one brother in particular always made sure to be kind. Eventually, he turned into a bad seed anyway and ran with a bad crowd in high school. He became the boyfriend of a gang member’s girlfriend, and unknowingly gets her pregnant. The resulting baby is the male lead.

She does the baby momma drama thing, not telling him about the baby until he became successful and started asking for money. The mother abuses him, slapping him, leaving him out in the snow and all kinds of things. Eventually his dad finds out he has a son and comes to get him. He gave him to his kind brother so he could be raised safely.

Fast forward to present time. Male character’s dad comes to town and hangs out for a while. His son becomes attached and the dad says they shouldn’t see each other again because he’s a bad influence.

In the last part of the volume i just read, the male and female lead were walking in the park at night. The mother comes up to them and asks where the father is. Son was all, “I don’t know” and the dad walks up out of nowhere and shoots her.

Oh yeah, and did I mention the female lead is pregnant and not wanting to tell male lead because of all he’s going through?

I mean…from innocent high school love to abusive family histories and murder, and teenage sexing…what will they think of next?

Whitey

1. Any person in a position of wealth and power regardless of skin color, who acts only in self-interest or in the interest of his close friends and business associates to further their own power and assert control over more and more people.
2. An ignorant White Anglo Saxon Protestant

I’ve been having frequent encounters with whitey these past couple of days. As a black person at a predominately white institution, it’s common to be subjected to ignorant or passively racist comments made by fellow classmates. Two situations in particular are giving whitey ample opportunities to display their ignorance.

Situation one: Picture it. Atlanta 2006…

Upon entering my Marketing class, I noticed a stack of articles on a table by the door. Thinking it was another boring case study about some product gone wrong, I didn’t really pay attention to it, that is, until my professor explained the class activity, to split up into two groups; one side of the classroom was to be part of an activist group who frequently campaigned for minority rights, the other was to act the part of a brewing company. This issue was the introduction of a new malt liqour that had 5.9% alcohol (most malt liquors are around 3.5%). The beer was called “Power Master” and in turn was targeted toward African American and Black males.

My question is, why was the activist side more racist and offensive than the executives? Here are some of the “activists’” comments:

- “First of all, the term “Master” is racist.. It indicates slavery and therefore is a derogatory product name.”
- “You say that you give money to the UNCF. Giving money to these people is counterintuitive because they’ll spend the money that would have used for college to buy alcohol.”
- Said by a female whitey: “My dad came from nothing. Both of his parents had cancer and died when he was young. He was really poor and everything, but he went to school, got accepted to Yale, and went to Georgia Tech. Now he’s the vice president of Verizon. If he can do it. Anyone can.”

Mind you, all of this was said by the activist side.

Profitability vs. Ethics.

Winner when class was polled if the company should pull its product: Profitability

Situation two: African American Culturefinal projects:

The thing about this class that bothers me is the same reason why one of my friends doesn’t really like Boondocks. It’s cool to talk about racial issues within your own race, but when you open it up to the public, are people watching it to gain insight about black stereotypes or to perpetuate them by observing them and not taking it for what it really is.

Here are some of the projects:

Georgia Tech Greek Organizations = Should they be integrated?
Thoughtful, but really? You spoke of two organizations, are you sure you really know why they were founded and why they answer to your question is no?

Language in African American culture
Now this project was actually quite interesting. They had a survey, gave it out to various students of various races and gender, and interviewed them. Of course, there had to be a whitey. This time she was female:

Question: Do you change the way you talk others when you’re around different races?
“Yeah. I try to assimilate, I might be like, ‘yo’ or ‘holla’ so black people can relate to me. I mean…oh, did you hear the one about what Snoop Dog washes his clothes with?”
“Ble-itch”

I tuned out the rest of what she said after that one…

President of College Republicans sues Georgia Tech

The Georgia Institute of Technology is the latest university targeted in a string of lawsuits filed by a conservative legal group alleging that campus policies deny conservative students their right to free speech. Read the article

Basically they’re complaining that they can’t have bake sales that have varying prices based on race and the Gay and Lesbian groups have free reign over whatever they want to do.

I can see her point. What the College Republicans do shouldn’t be limited as there is such a thing as free speech, but on that same token, there’s a big difference between consciously acting in a discriminatory way and living your own life despite the fact It may not be accepted by everyone. The College Republicans also protested the Vagina monogloges when it came to campus, saying that it was vulgar and pornographic. I wonder how many of them have actually seen it though, they might have some harsh words, but it really is about female liberation and a commentary on sexuality. Iit seems to me that they are the biggest supporters of repressing people’s freedom of speech…

In other news, here’s what’s happening around Tech:

Campus Crime:

Dude takes Oxytoxin pills and gets a little anxious, Hubcaps are stolen from a campus golf cart

Traffic jam: A man threatened to jump off of the Tenth Street bridge Monday, shutting down northbound traffic on the Downtown Connector for over an hour. The man gave up his attempt at 11:30 a.m.

I thogught I might point to penis related blog entires of note.

Chicken Wing Man - The Brutha Code

Speaking on the role of wingman when trying to “holla”.

…This muhfukkin rooster is SITTING in the middle of the street in the middle of the day. So you know how a brutha like me rolls….. I speeds da fukks up! Now, I’m no animal crueltier, but I was sho’ finna hit that rooster. And I fully expected him to jump up and runaway. I mean, he’s a rooster… which ain’t nuthin but a chicken with some strong ass vocal chords.

So here I am, in the middle of a Japanese country road, playing a game of chicken with a dayum chicken.

Do you know that muhfukka didn’t budge?!?!? He looked dead at me with that one eye on the side of his peanut head like “Nygga what…”

A touching story about a dating “intervention” performed on me.. - Humantiy Critic

“…” See I don’t even know if this based on a true story or what…but honest nonetheless

Ever since my father told me that Santa Claus didn’t exist and added, “If you do see a fat white fuck coming down our chimney trying to give you a “gift”, stab that motherfucker immediately because he’s a pedophile!!”, there isn’t much that I anxiously wait for each year. Birthdays suck when you get past 30, I haven’t remembered a New Years eve in years, but there is one event that I marked on my calender the same way I used to remind myself of my ex-girlfriends cycle before we went on vacation. That event, one that made me pull out my Sunday’s best for a few years straight, one that made me make sure that every dreadlock was in place, beard was trimmed, the one event where I acted like a perfect gentleman and hid the fact that I’m an insufferable prick. This place I talk about,where the fantasies of a child-like dreamer like myself came true as if I was a pre-teen sipping chocolate out of Willy Wonka’s pool and shit, is a yearly poetry party thrown by a couple that I have known since college.

Our Lady of Perpetual Missing the Fuc*ing Point (Nikilovely, 2005) - Bullet Proof Diva

People with penisis suck! They all want the boo-tay! BOOO penis! The penis responds…

It’s ok that you don’t entertain f*cking for sport, but I hope you’re not against it. There r beautiful, strong, usually independent women who do. What’s wrong with sustaining a meaningful f*ck budy relationship with a good very close friend? so long as you’re both honest and exclusively just involved with each other.

As a man, i’m guilty of keeping a woman at bay despite knowing that I don’t intend on going further/deeper into the relationship. So why not keep having sex with someone i know I can trust instead of running around chasing a number of different women? At least this way I know i’m safe.

Yes this sounds selfish but this is real life, everyone’s out to get theirs, forget what u heard. A lady just posted that men get away only with what u let them get away with. Though true, it’s the wrong way to look at it. If i’m dating a woman and things r ok but we both can see there’s no real future together, there r 2 options. break up, cheat or f*uck buddy. I don’t cheat. Breaking up is hard as hell especially if it’s someone intelligent, beautiful, and that u respect.

Laundry Day Dilemma

Sometimes I just don’t know about this dude. But he is constantly a laugh. Freeballing explained.

This past Saturday, I let something unacceptible occur: I procrastinated on doing my laundry. I waited until I only had two clean pair of underwear left. The reason these two pair were left is because they are flawed. One pair has a hole in them big enough for my testicles to slide out. The other pair was given to me as a gift. They are made of a kind of thick wool material. The problem is, it is way too hot right now to wear underwear that is the same consistency as a flannel lumberjack shirt. My balls might catch fire in something like that. The friction would kill any hope I have of ever having children. Mess around and shoot out liquid hot magma next time I have sex. That’s NEVER cool…

http://www.adultswim.com/williams/news/index.html?http%3A//www.adultswim.com/williams/news/articles/news087.html
04/19/2006

Adult Swim has done it again! Following hot on the heels of Fox’s Family Guy, Saved By The Bell has been pulled from cancellation with an order for 30 all new episodes taking place at Bayside High.

“We were ecstatic when we saw the early numbers on Saved By the Bell on Adult Swim,” said Matt Laster, the VP of Turner Entertainment’s newly created 80’s Reclamation Department. “We knew this had the potential to be big, but we never thought it would be this big. The fans have really shown their support and come out in droves on the adultswim.com website.”

According to Laster, the new series is still in development but he did say that almost all of the original cast would be returning, minus “Showgirls” star Elizabeth Berkley. The series will follow the events after Saved By the Bell: The New Class and find Screech as the new principal of Bayside and a retired Mr. Belding as the proprietor of the Max, the hangout that the Saved By the Bell gang frequented. Screech is overwhelmed by the new group of students and puts out a call for help, and soon, all of the old regulars are back at Bayside. Laster would not elaborate on the status of Zack and Kelly’s relationship, though the couple were last seen walking down the aisle.

“I’ve spoken to the crew and they really can’t wait to get back together,” said Laster. “We think this will be a fun and exciting new direction for Adult Swim and we can’t wait to find even more great 80’s comedies for Adult Swim.”

Perhaps it wasn’t so random after all…

Don’t you hate it when you don’t want to talk to people but you’re put in a situation in which not speaking would make you a bitch?

I was in that situation a couple of times today.

Situation #1: Sitting at a stinger stop…

Someone approaches me that I don’t really know. I’ve seen him around campus though and he was in my sorority’s pageant. I knew I should speak, but decided to be incredibly interested in something in my bag instead…

Him: “Hey.”
Me: “Hello”

Logical following conversation…

Me: “How are you”
Him: “I’m okay, you?”
Me: “Great. So how is life post pageant”
Him: “(Insert information I’m not really interested in but obligated to ask about anyway)”

What really happened…

Him: “Hey.”
Me: “Hello”
Me: *rifles through bag for an excuse not to speak anymore.

Situation #2: On Yahoo

I don’t use yahoo that much, but when I do, I stay invisible to avoid old black planet people. I signed in to check the status of a project I’m going to work on today, but didn’t realize that I wasn’t invisible…

My thoughts

them: hey beautiful,…
frick!
them : what’s going on
Dang guess I gotta speak now…
me: not much. how are you
not that I actually care…
them: chillin’…how was your weekend
who are you anyway? I don’t recognize this name
me: busy. it was my birthday Saturday
(long pause which I use to my advantage as a way to go invisible and avoid the title of “bitch”
them: oh thats whats up,..well happy belated birthday
them: what are your plans today
(oh well too late. I’m assumingly signed off now…)

SHOCKWAVE, Shockwave, shockwave…

The pictures from my birthday made it to facebook…I’m so shamed. *hangs head

Birthday party

There really should be no pinkies anywhere in these pictures…

Lean wit(h) it.

Appreciate the effort line sister, but I was perfectly capable of walking by myself…but what is this picture about anyway? Wait…is this a booty shot? BOOOOO

The following is an account leading up to the Anniverseary of KaNisa’s birth

Birthday debrief…

-4:30 I check my bank account to see how much damage I can do on my birthday only to find that I have zero dollars.
-4:38 I check my online statement and see that the hotel mistakenly charged my credit card over 300 a day (for four days).
-3:00 I get pissed and call bank and chew out hotel person
-2:00 Hotel person calls back and says I’ll get my money back midnight after my birthday
-1:50 I go to sleep angry and thinking my birthday is starting off really badly
-1:38 6 girls jump on the bed I’m sleeping on and sing me happy birthday
-1:33 I’m given a six pack of Smernoff Ice, a cake, and an ultimatum that if I don’t get up and allow them to get me drunk then they will put on red shirts and beat me.
-1:00 DRINK #1 Smernoff Ice
-00:45 I come out of the shower and dress in birthday dress
-00:30 DRINK #2 Smernoff Ice
-00:15 leave for a club at an undisclosed location
00:00 After walking around for a bit, we meet up with Tech alum and friend and go to club Crush
00:03 DRINK #3 Shot of Patron
00:15 Awkward shy dancing on the dance floor (because the drink hasn’t kicked in yet)
00:45 DRINK #4 Sex on the Beach (after sorority sister noticed I didn’t have a hint of done-ness
01:20 Shy but no longer awkward feeling dancing on the dance floor
01:35 DRINK #5 Sour something or other…didn’t catch the name (after same sorority sister wasn’t satisfied with done-ness)
01:53 DRINK #6 Another sour something or other…(after another sorority sister convinced a dude to buy us a round)
02:10 Dancing that is no where close to shy or awkward on the dance floor with tech alum
02:23 Straight up floor scrubbing with stimulating results with tech alum friend and random dudes
02:45 Club closes with a really strange version of the Barney song
03:00 The onset of post club “I need (dot dot dot)”…
03:15 Stumbling to car with commentary about male private parts and lack of access
03:20 Trip to Waffle house
03:45 Seeing a long line, we follow tech alum and friend to another waffle house
04:00 Realizes he drove us around the block and back to the same waffle house even though he tried to say it was a different one
04:08 Random stroking of cylinder shaped objects
05:30 Hotel Sweet hotel.
07:30 Awake again for conference…

Strangely enough, it took a while before I actually felt off kilter. Then, off kilter wasn’t so off, I was just less inhibited with the dancing, commented about sexual practices that got responses such as, “you’re putting the dick on a pedestal,” and a STRONG desire to “get some” even though I haven’t technically had any.

I think that if I decide to do this in the future, I need to be surrounded by people that will look out for me…last night could have been bad…

Nothing much happening today.

Those meetings are sooooo boring, I was about to fall over and die. I brought my biography of Huey P Newton, but I thought it would be rude to read it, especially since I’m a delegate that’s supposed to be listening to stuff so I can vote tomorrow. Still though…phone was steady in my hand to check the time.

This morning I went to a leadership breakfast. It was pretty nice, I mean the food was okay, but we met some Sorors from our graduate chapter. It was cool to hear their stories about AKA back in the day when they PLEDGED….

I love how the older Sorors are like, “so when did you PLEDGE?” It seems like the only people who are haters when it comes to that kind of thing are the ones that came in grad after all the stuff went down in the 90’s. A lot of grad Sorors lost respect for the undergrads because a lot of people only had to go through the weekend process… and then even though I’m sure they were pledged hard, they kept their stuff under wraps unlike the Sorors of today…

…

I’m not going to go there though because that would be a long essay and supporting the idea of pledging activities in any way is a BAD practice that “destroys” or beloved Sorority…

even though it’s a shame when your own soror doesn’t respect the organization enough to know your own founders…

and think that the Sorority is a clique

or a social institution that’s all about party walking and skee weeing

and does community service just to do it and not to actually make a difference….

…

anyway…

Had lunch with a Tech alum. I didn’t really know him, but one of my prophytes did. He works for bank of america here in charlotte. He and his friends do some interesting things like monitor what the people in the building do on their computers…it’s their job to report those who use them for bad things…

I know to be candied in my emails to people know, dang…

Now we’re just hanging around the hotel. I want to take a nap to recover from last night… got about two hours of sleep after staying up to make a flyer for someone…had to get up at 6 again to go to the breakfast….I really need to learn to say no to people.

T-minus 34 hours and 56 minutes!

I think I might go to a club somewhere tonite…a 21+ one finally. I already know I’m not fond of the actual taste of alcohol so I want my first official drink to be a strawberry daiquiri. We’ll see how I like it…

…

taurus characteristics are really kicking in…especially that last little bit. I need a male…just for a little while

Went to a probate today. That was the crunkest Alpha show I’ve ever seen before in life. Alpha Rho over at Morehouse brought in 19 dudes in 06…19…06…1906, yeeah…

I bet they got BEAT DOWN to earn that 06 on their jackets…

In other news…

According to some astrological sources, the sun has entered the most important sign of the zodiac. TAURUS.

Here are some interesting facts about the Tauren :

For centuries, the bull has been a symbol of strength, tenacity, virility, and power. Left alone, a bull will happily graze; but if it is bothered, it will charge! Similarly, the Taurus personality is thought to be calm and peaceful, but when their anger is aroused, their temper can be wicked. Taureans are often quite disturbed by sudden changes–they prefer their lives stable and secure.

Taureans are thought to be persevering, strong individuals, who can also be quite “bull-headed”. They can be dogged and determined when they have a goal in mind. Taureans are also quite sensual and, often, self-indulgent “beasts”.

Touche.

I know about fifty million people who have a birthday in the next month…especially around my own birthday. My sister and I are both Taurus(es) but I don’t think we’re all that similar…I think she’s much more “bull headed”, “dogged,” and “determined” than me…but I’m on the Aries cusp too so….

Not that I believe in all that….

Although most of the people I know that are on the Aries/Taurus cusp are extremely similar.

Speaking of, Happy Birthday to the following people.

April 20th
BLW - quarter of a century.
You have no reason to go through a mid-youth crisis. Knocking on fate’s door at the mature age of 25, you have lived enough for most males twice your age. My decision about deciding to cut into your live body to disengage a bomb and save my own life but also kill you in the process has not changed, ESPECIALLY now that you’re so old…sorry dawg.

April 21
YE - 21
Gosh soror/ism we were almost twins. Isn’t it great that we get to spend our birthdays in lovely North Carolina? Aren’t. you. excited. I. know. I. am. Even though I only met you once, you still seem pretty cool. Get your grad advisor to buy you a drink. Mine is hooking me up Saturday night.

April 22
CVA - 21
Twin #1! Dude I’m sorry I won’t be able to make that outing, gotta go out of town to further along black people. However, we shall have to go sometime during finals week since us non-engineers have yet to have real finals. Oh to be a CS refugee…what were we thinking three years ago?!

LVD - 21
Twin #2! Wow I really haven’t talked to you since high school. Do you still want to be a teacher? Will you stay in the ‘BANY and school the spoiled rich children? Remember taking that Spanish AP exam even though we didn’t have AP Spanish at Deerfield? Wasn’t that an interesting experience?

ME!
Gosh KaNisa you’re finally 21. You sure do talk a lot of smack about going clubbing now that you don’t have to be worried about being molested by underage crotches, but I’m sure you won’t be going now either. Sure maybe one visit to Visions won’t hurt, but I bet you’re really looking forward to hitting up comedy clubs and jazz clubs…and then actually being able to hang out with cousins…look out America! She’s of age in two days!

alright, yeah it’s 4:30 in the morning I’m going to bed now.

Thank you and good night.

Decided to go to psychology today.

I think classes that don’t take attendance are wrong, especially if they’re before noon. I feel kind of bad because it’s not even like the class is boring, on the contrary, when I go, I am entertained and mentally stimulated. It’s just so early though! And my next class after that is three hours later…

(Okay so it’s actually not that early…it’s a ten o clock class. I realize most working people have to get up much earlier than that but I’m a lazy bum in the morning so…)

Now he’s talking about babies slapping each other…I mean…now I feel even worse. This professor is such a cool guy…

In other news…

I registered for fall classes yesterday. It actually happened unintentionally. While in the library checking my email during a break, I overheard a dude next to me talking about how a class he wanted was already full. Upon hearing this, I though to myself, “Self, when does registration open up for you?”

I decided to take a look.

Luckily not much time had passed since my slot opened. It’s kind of crazy. Before I would have my schedule set a few days before my time came. I would have all my class numbers entered so as soon as it was 11:00:00 I could slap that submit key and get the ones I wanted. This semester I was like, eh…I guess I’ll take this class…

I’m currently on track to graduate summer 07 at the latest. I suppose I could finish Spring 07 but I think 15 hours per semester is a good number to take instead of 18, albeit that’s do able with the classes I have left. I guess I’ll be one of the few that graduates from Ma’ Tech in about four years…

Don’t you hate it when people keep bothering you when you’re busy? I think I’m having a lover affair with my cell phone’s ignore button….

I’m extremely tired too…really need to get a handle on staying up late for reasons that are not good…

Random observations of the day…

A dude in front of me is rubbing a watch against his crotch. I’m going to turn my head so that isn’t in my field of vision.

Another dude in front of me has dirt all over his ankles. It looks quite nasty. I can’t him from smell here, but he is a good distance from me. He looks like he might be spicy. I’m turning again.

Walking to class today, I noticed that right around the :00 the bikers go into grand prix mode (and by bikers I mean those who ride bicycles). Two wooshed by me and went into a turn with their knee centimeters from the ground…

The new 10 dollar bill looks kind of neat. It has a red tint and random quotes from the preamble.

I still remember the preamble after having to memorize it about a decade ago.

I also remember most of the songs we had to sing in those elementary school musicals…

I pledge ALLEGENCE to the FLAG of the YOU-nited STATES of AmeRICa. (rest)
And to the REPUBLIC for WHICH. IT. STANDS.
One NATION under GOD indiVISIBLE
With LIBERTY and JUSTICE for ALLLLLLLLLLLLL…

You’re a grand ole flag
You’re a high flying flag…

Since it’s the breath before the storm (aka that period of unbusy between last minute tests and finals season) I don’t really have anything to do. My 9:30 class was canceled for the week (*does the running man) so I have no reason to be awake until 11 or so for a while.

I decided to take some time today to continue my trip down memory lane. Last night, I watched the “What’s Happenin’” marathon on TV Land until about three in the morning. I wasn’t really paying that much attention though as I was working on the Lyric section, but each episode came on twice in a 8 hour period so I caught each episode at least once.

For tonight, I was entertained for a while by vintage Sailor Moon. I never got around to watching the last season they as it was never translated into English, so I thought I would watch a few fan-subtitled episodes via limewire. I could see why they were slow to translate those…lots more cursing, focuses on sexuality, and innuendo in those episodes…there was cross dressing, homosexuality, abusive relationships, people trying to get others to undress others in dressing rooms…

I was like…whoa…

In other news…

Apparently Adult Swim will be showing episodes of Saved by the Bell as part of their weekly line-up. At first I thought the commercial was a joke, but here I sit at 12:01 AM watching the cartoon network and the opening credits for the show.

I’m so confused…what’s this all about anyway?

It’s been a really nice weekend.

I don’t think a cloud has been in the sky for a few days now. The temperature has also been just around perfect, not too hot, but not cool enough for a jacket. I hope it holds out for a while.

I’m turning 21 in six days.

It seems like a magic age, 21, you’re not a child anymore, but you’re not quite grown up either. I thought I might make a few birthday resolutions, but I don’t even remember what my new year’s ones were so I don’t know how well that would work.

I also don’t really know what I’d change. It’s one thing to be like “I’m going to be more outgoing” but I wouldn’t even be able to apply that as school will be out shortly and won’t be back in until this fall. Since I have to go back to prison (aka home) for the summer life will consist of classes, work, nagging of mother at home. I can already see it…it’s going to be the longest summer ever. Hopefully it’ll be my last one at home though since next year I’ll be kicked out after graduation.

Still though, it’s going to be rough.

Anyway…

I’m kind of disappointed because I’ll be stuck in meetings all day for my birthday. AKA Regionals fall on my birthday weekend so I won’t really get to celebrate like I want to…LOL I guess that is tradition though Birthdays since age 16 have been notorious for being ruined somehow…

UGH! Relax, relate, release!

Well happy charter day…I guess.

After today, even I had to have a drink…

A whole lot of unnecessary drama today with probate shows, disrespect, pettiness, and whatever else, but I don’t even want to talk about it.

Just one more day and it’ll all be over…

In other news…Dichotomous KaNisus

So I’m thinking I might make my Lryic persona represent not only my sensual side, but my Aries fire side…kind of like the dual catwoman thing. As catwoman, she was witty, independant, confident, naughty…yeah, that’s Lryic. So going on this…

KaNisa says…

I need some self-confidence.

Looking at some of my line sisters yesterday, especially one in particular I was like, wow, I wish I had her hair or her breasts. At the mall today I was like wow she dresses so well or she has the perfect ass… Even personality wise, I was just gushing about my spesh and how phenomenal she is. I feel as if I’m always like, I wish I could look like that or be that way…or if someone doesn’t validate me in some way I don’t feel…I don’t want to say I don’t feel like I’m worth anything because that sounds terrible, but in reality, that’s pretty much the truth…if someone doesn’t validate me in some way I don’t think I’m worth anything.

And that’s really terrible.

And it impacts so many facets of life.

As far as relationships go, stepping back and looking at myself, if I were a dude, would I date me?
Probably not. I might think hey she looks okay, but she seems unavailable somehow or maybe she seems really innocent and like she’d be needy or something since she’s so inexperienced.

As far as sorority things go.
I was always known as the shy/nice/cute/small/quiet girl. I’m definitely not that now. I have a line sister that has that down pat. Standing next to her makes me feel really awkward and ugly.

With friendly relationships
Since I don’t really have friends like that, I’ll just refer to the soror group. Some of the things they say, could be something so little, but it can really rip me apart.

I mean those are just a few things, but to think this way is so wrong on so many levels. It’s weird that I can recognize that it’s wrong but still feel that way though. I shouldn’t base my confidence on what other people think, I should believe in myself and in my own abilities…but for some reason, I just don’t.

And I don’t know why.

There’s too much reflection going on lately…I’m really fucked up.

***
Lryic says….

Yesterday I wrote about how people made me question myself when it came to my ex.

Today some people made me feel really inadeqaute because of how I appear to others.

My mother was just saying how I take my prophyte’s word as bond.

When the fuck did I let someone tell me who I am and how I should live my life?

With my ex? Who are you to tell me that my feelings for him were misdirected? Sure bad times SUCKED but the were so many good times, that if given the chance to go back and do it all again, I would. I loved my ex and still do and I believe in my heart that at some point he felt the same for me. How dare you say that didn’t count for anything. You don’t know what our relationship was like. You weren’t there. You couldn’t possibly understand something you were not a part of. The only people who have the right to say anything about anyone’s relationship are the people that are in it. Yes I’ll probably always carry a torch for him. Yes I know he’s getting married to someone else. Yes I think that SUCKS but you know, if that’s what makes him happy, then that’s what I want for him. I want him to be sucessful, make lots of money, have beautiful children, and be totally satisfied by his loving wife because when you love someone, you want what’s best for them and you want them to be happy. Go ex! Get yours!

So you think I’m quiet? Really? Why do you think that? Is it because the athelets don’t know me? Sorry I don’t feel the need to jock them. Throwing a football or dribbling a basketball does not impress me. You aren’t there when I go in the BSO office and hang out with the students there. You aren’t there when I have meetings with other Greek leaders that aren’t even a part of NPHC. You aren’t there when I go to student leadership retreats to meet and network with other campus leaders. I’m not out? Really? Where are you looking because clearly you’re basing that on nothing.

With people telling me about myself…please. I may have trusted you with my life for a bit, but you truly do not know me. You do not know me outside of the context of our assoication and you really never will. I do not let people talk to me any kind of way and let it slide. I may not be the most social person ever, but I do know how to speak. Do not force me to be something that I am not. If you don’t like the way I am, then oh well, I’m not changing to be something someone else wants me to be. I can only be me.

Sit and spin bitches.

Man KaNisa, remember how you were when you dated ole dude? You were like fuck what everyone says I’m doing what I want. When things were going down with some organization that conflicted with what you wanted to do, you were like, fuck you I’m out. When you wanted your version of “getting some” from dude, you took that and made it yours….getting creative and shit sometimes…. When you got mad with him about some “randumb” thing, an email with a lot of atitude ensued. You really didn’t take shit from anyone and went after what you wanted. That was one of the most important things you learned when you were with him.

You were like spitfire.

Where is that fire now?

You’re attracted to this new dude? No one said you had to marry him. Just have fun.

Stand up for yourself when people try to call you out. They don’t know you like that, prove them wrong.

Take your life back KaNisa. Own it.

Lyric out!

Someone told me I get attracted to the wrong type of guys today.

I was really feeling this dude from my program and later I found out he has a similar reputation to that of my ex…the older more experienced dates a lot type. They were saying, KaNisa, you were crazy for even entertaining your ex, everyone knew he had a rep. When it came down to it, he was the 24 year old experienced dude and you were the 20 year old virgin…you were just asking to be played.

Why did that sting so bad? Was I really blind all that time? Was I only seeing the good parts of my relationship and ignoring anything negative, or were they just grouping him in that “player” group because of things they heard about him? I know heresay doesn’t start on its own…but I can’t bring myself to believe that he was such a terrible person as they said he was.

But then I knew he wasn’t innocent, he told me that himself, and I knew as much from a mutual friend that was real with me from the start. She’d known him since before he transferred to my school and I always trusted her to be honest and look out for me. When I asked her about him, she said, “He’s cool for a friend, but as far as a romantic relationship goes, I wouldn’t go there with him.”

I kept that in mind as we kept talking, and for the first few months we were cool. I didn’t really care if he was dating other girls, we were just hanging out really. The age gap was so evident, it was awkward to think that we could have been anything more than that. But as time passed, so did that notion and some of those times were were hanging out got to be reeeeallly tense. I remember feeling smug because I knew people were getting “excited” but I couldn’t really talk because I was too. We never crossed the line into “more than friend” territory, but I’m sure we had a couple of times in our imaginations….

Over winter break we got real cool, talking frequently about just life, still not crossing the line into “more that friend” territory, but getting closer. It was wired for me because I’d never been so cool with anyone before, he really understood me and I didn’t have to pretend with him at all, in fact, I was always “just me”, and he liked “just me.” It was also strange because I really missed seeing him every day, we were pretty much constant companions because we enjoyed each other’s company so much and since we were a couple of hundred miles away from each other, I really missed him.

The first time I saw him after break was really awkward. We both knew the dynamic of the relationship had changed, but neither of us wanted to say anything about it. It was pretty much like, “yep…” “yep…” okay then let’s continue on this hanging out tip.

Things progressed pretty quickly then and we turned into the most unconventional couple ever…a dude who has never had to do much for pooty tang, and a girl who wasn’t trying to give hers up.

Not to say that I didn’t do anything because like I said, I’m not innocent AT ALL, but still. I remember my roommates placing bets that I would be deflowered in less than a month since things jumped off so quickly, but somehow it worked, or at least I thought so, and he said so.

The Survey didn’t believe it though.

I got regular reality checks through his behavior and was shocked every time. After an especially HUGE red flag, I remember being really upset and ready to be over it all, but somehow, I got in his presence, asked him to explain, and was under his spell again…

I remember asking the mutual friend if I was really being played by this dude. She said looking at his track record, he could honestly be more serious this time round. I felt that was reassuring, but still, in the back of my mind I knew wolves can dress in sheep’s clothing even if they don’t realize they’re wolves themselves…

Time passed, still tight as hell, he graduated. Broke up. Still talked frequently. Unanswered phone calls. Katrina. engaged Email. engaged Text Messages. engaged Phone Calls. engaged AKA. engaged News of his Engagement. Anger/Hurt. Mutual agreement to stop talking…present time.

I don’t even know what I’m doing now. It’s like okay, he’s getting married now. Married. That’s forever. That’s a soul bond. That’s love. That’s wanting to be with one person for the rest of your life and no one else. NO ONE ELSE.

But for some reason…
during those long phone calls in the summer, when I knew was one of many.
during that period of silence when I felt like shit because I felt rejected, unwanted, a burden, and alone.
during that time I heard from him again and was ignorant of what was going on in his life.
during the time I heard of his engagement from someone else when I’d thought there was potential again.
during the time I was broken once again and felt utterly betrayed.
during the time I was so angry, I could care less what happened to him.
during the time when I finally had a day when I didn’t think about him for the first time since the day I met him 15 or so months before.
and even now at this very moment…

doesn’t even matter if we’re in contact with each other or not….

He still moved me.

Why the hell am I so moved by people like this. Why the hell is this new guy that I KNOW isn’t good for me so appealing to me? Why the hell am I satisfied with being the back up plan?

To all the dudes out there who I can’t help but be attracted to…

Despite the stench
Despite the nausea
I love you still…

Love,
Dummy

Very interesting…check it out

Decided to do a little housekeeping and see what all blogsome can do. Turns out you can have separate pages from the actual blog, I decided to make a separate section for my more personal Ujima referenced a few entries ago. The Rainstorm story and other works from different authors will be there now. I’m kind of sensitive about who sees it though just because only one person has read my forays into that genre and I don’t think I’m all that good by comparison. If you’re curious though let me know. I already have a list in my mind of who I would allow, mostly people in the blogsphere for constructive criticism, but I might be open to others.

It’s crazy…I just finished that rainstorm story and got a little emotional…I mean stories like that are supposed to evoke some "emotions", but not the one I felt just now…

Lyric’s Corner Portal

Attitudes. I hate them.

I mean, it’s one thing to be antisocial and not speak to people (my version of having an attitude) but it’s entirely different to disrespect someone by speaking to them in a degrading way. Today I almost slapped someone, I was like, “really? are you really talking to me this way? Have you lost your fucking mind?!?! That’s why nobody likes your STANK ass. Yeah I said it, and I’ll say it again…STANK ASS!”

Humph.

In other news…

I have been so forgetful lately. I forgot about two meetings I was supposed to go to, one where I was on the agenda, and the other I could have gotten free food and 30 dollars. I can’t believe I forgot. I’m was all, “yeah, I’ll take a nap and then go to this practice at eight…gotta catch up on this sleep since I didn’t really get any last night for various reasons…”

I’ve discovered that I have poor circulation and a aversion to wearing heels for long periods of time. My back and knee were killing me last night! LOL my roommates looked at me weird this morning as I they heard orgasmic sounds emanating from my room last night. It was really just me reveling in the fact that I was finally off my feet and unstressed since my program planning duties were complete…and then I finally had time to stretch out some of the pain from my aching joints…it was an emotional experience.

The Black. White. finale was anti-climatic. Turns out no one learned anything and the white girl still doesn’t know how to write poetry. Ah well, it was a good idea at least.

Now that I had me a treat of a few chocolate chip cookies, I’m mo kick back and partake in some adult swim/nick at nite.

Thank you and goodnight.

My back is killing me! I’ve been on my feet for the last 12 hours! I need someone to cater to ME…shoot…

So my program went off really well. I was worried that hekka people would come out and that we wouldn’t have enough food, but around 40 came so it was all good. The dudes really enjoyed everything which I’m glad of, I didn’t get to taste any of my cooking, but I heard it was good.

We pulled a Cater to You dance at the end…well..not really. It was more like a SIKE kind of thing. A couple of us picked a couple of dudes and had them sit in chairs. They had the music playing and we started doing a little routine, but then we were like…SIKE YO MIND MAKE YOUR BOOTY SHINE. Apparently my guy didn’t get the memo that he’d been played…but I didn’t exactly mind carrying on a little longer with him…lol…people were like, uh KaNisa…lol…

It’s been about a year for #3 though ya’ll my bad…

Over all, everyone said it was a great program. I’m glad my baby met Nu Beta standards.

After I clean the oven and mop the floor I ain’t doing JACK for the rest of the night…

I’m so tired…

I don’t know how I end up staying up so late, but for some reason I always do. It was especially silly for me to do that last night since I had to get up to do research for extra credit this morning. A total of three hours of sleep. I need about six more hours…seriously.

Took a nap in the library since the 8 o clock study was only 20 minutes long (bastards…you couldn’t start it later in the morning? I got up at 6 something for what…bitches..) 4th floor West is a girl’s best friend.

I’m in internet design now. I’m thinking I might take an L and leave early so I can get a little more sleep in…after one, it’ll be busy busy until at least 11 o clock tonight…

alas…

I ain’t chairing JACK next year…

Still in internet design reading people’s blogs.

I spoke of some of one of my role models yesterday. In real life, it’s my spesh/roommate. In the blogsphere, it’s Beloved. Even though she’s a member of them “reds” (AKA smeltas, little sisters, etc.) I think she’s very admirable. It seems like even though she’s been through a lot, she is really strong and very expressive. I’m so jealous of the love she’s found, but then again it’s so great that she’s found someone. I’m jealous of any person that has someone special in their life though.

I always wished I was more outgoing when it came to males. I know people who date a lot and almost wish more people were more proactive about doing that. At Tech, people don’t really “date” like most regular people so it was interesting how the whole last relationship happened. I actually really prefer people to approach me that way. I think that was a result of him going to an HBCU though. People just seem more socialized at those schools. At Tech the population of black males is so small. You pretty much know everyone so there’s never the initial, “oh he’s cute I wonder what he’s like,” phase…

In a way, I almost wish I was in more relationships during these college years even though I’m kind of weary of them. I’m sure the dating pool once I get out of college will be even more dismal (alas) so I really should take advantage of this year or so I have left. I want to have the frivolous interactions with people that are fun, but have no consequential feelings. I want to have a few deep for the moment connections that I can look back on and smile about. I wan to to have that one ultimate relationship that’s actually requited and lasts a lifetime.

In reality, I’ve only been in two relationships, one was just for the moment and didn’t really leave a mark on me, the other was just an otherworldly experience that altered the way I looked at life.

In the future, I would prefer it if it the relationship wasn’t meant to be, then my feelings about the person would never be more than casual…

Took a lovely nap this afternoon. It was about four or five hours long.

Well I guess “napping” for that long constitutes, sleep, but I just say nap because it was during the day. I’m so hungry though. I’m the last person that should be skipping meals, but I don’t really want to spend money on food. All I had yesterday were some blanched green beans (yes the vegetable repertoire is opening up a little at a time) and some brownies. Now I’m making breakfast for dinner. Pancakes and bacon.

Since the actual NPHC Council was chartered 15 years ago, I thought it would be a cool idea to have a huge NPHC Reunion. We’d invite prophytes from way back in the day to come back around homecoming to bestow knowledge on their neos (by comparison). At the NSBE convention, I met a lot of old school Ques from my school, which was even more interesting since we don’t have any on the yard right now. They were telling us about the time when the K’s had a house where my apartment building now stands. I guess some things never change, for the past two years at least, there have been the greatest number of K’s living in my building.

In other news…

I’m so proud of my spesh. She’s graduating this semester and has been working SO HARD lately. She stays involved in many organizations, even as president of some. She stays up all night working on school work…in the lab until all hours of the morning…and still makes it to programs during the day…AND still maintains a great GPA. She really is a superwoman…even though I’m sure she’s gotten about an hour of sleep this whole weekend, she’s flying out to California to present her research.

And the crazy thing is that she’s only eight months older than me! But she seems so much more mature and well put together…

I want to be like her when I grow up…

It’s the start of a very busy week…charter week…AKA Skee Week.

We were chartered on Tech’s campus 27 years ago on April 14th. Every year, we have “Skee Week” which is a celebration of Nu Beta legacy. The program I’m chairing is Cater to You: A Male Appreciation Night.

Isn’t that ironic? Most of the time I’m all, “I don’t like people with penises” yet I’m chairing a program that’s supposed to glorify them. It’s crazy…

Today was Chocolate Sunday. We got donations of chocolate deserts from various restaurants and offered an all you can eat buffet for a dollar. Proceeds went to the American Alzheimer’s Association.

In Other News…

Turns out I had a cold, not allergies these past couple of days. Actually, it could be allergies, Nyquil has an antihistamine in it too doesn’t it? Whatever it was, Nyquil knocked it right out. I’ll be on it tonite too after an hour or so of Nick at Nite.

I wrote some Ujima the other day. I’m a bit weary about it though because I thought I password protected it but it looked like it was still public. It was only a crappy draft a until a few minutes ago. I hope no one saw it…that would be a bit embarrasing. I don’t even know if I want to make it public. It’s based on a situation in my life right now, and if people that know me read it, they won’t know what’s fact and what’s fiction. Plus I don’t allow just anyone to be privy to my feelings and practices regarding erotica. But then this is MY journal which is an expression of MY thoughts and ideas…but then I don’t want to expose people that would be in my stories either…

I’ll marinate it.

Maybe I’ll be an author one day. Yeah, they’ll call me Kane…like Zane? No? Oh well…

Edited to add: Is it just me, or is the ATL taking over hipity hopity music wise? Seems like they’re blowing up on Black Exploitation Television…

Well I had him on here before, but he’s definitely worth bringing back…Robin Thicke.

Sexy, sexy music…especially Lost without you. . .

. . .

back breaking, till the cops come knocking, too sore to even move in the morning, remember how the song went and have another ROUND kind of music! …MMPH, Mmph, mmph.

. . .

damn, Damn, DAMN!!!!

. . .

Check out his website. All those songs in the listen section are hot! That album is going to be out of control!

In other news…

It was a really nice day today. People were actually sitting in the grass and talking like regular college students! It was surprising, but it made me smile.

Relay for life was also tonight. Teams signed up to walk around a venue to commemorate cancer survivors and those who have died. It’s an all night thing that raises money for the American Cancer Society. It was nice for a while, but the pollen is out of control in Atlanta…I don’t even have allergies like that but my throat was killing me!

I can already tell it’s going to be one of those days…

Not to sure why I didn’t want to get out of bed. I fell asleep a little around 11 after that Black White show, still wearing the clothes I wore for the day. I was halfway confused by that this morning, but yesterday was so crazy, I wasn’t all that surprised. I don’t think I even ate yesterday now that I think about it…there’s going to have too be some maintenance today so I can get my life right.

Inkling of a migraine and I forgot to grab my medicine. I even had an aura and a not so fresh feeling in my stomach with this one which is different. I felt special in a not really special sort of way.

Missed three stinger buses this morning but managed to walk down the street and catch the trolley. Since streets along the routes are under construction (as usual) the detour goes through campus. I kind of prefer this route since it’s more convenient to get to inner campus.

It’s student appreciation today. There’s a “festival” with free food and games on Skiles. Tonite there’s a concert featuring Big Boi and Cake. It’s also the night of the campus black people awards. Students get honored for having 3.0+ or graduating. As a student I would appreciate it if we didn’t have classes today so we could all could enjoy the festival together. I only have an hour to get my free cotton candy before going to my mandatory class…actually, I wouldn’t even go, but I have a group meeting after it.

Alright, enough pessimism for today. It’s only 10 AM after all…

I guess i might be a 80’s kid, but I could still relate…

and WOW did you know people born in the 90’s are 16 now?!?! Isn’t that crazy?!?!

This an extremely long email my sister sent. I’m proud because my beloved sailor moon made it on the list.

You’re a 90’s kid if:

You’ve ever ended a sentence with the word “PSYCHE!”

You can sing the rap to “The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air”

You remember when Kurt Cobain, Tu Pac, River Phoenix, and Selena died.

You know that “WOAH” comes from Joey from “Blossom” and that “How Rude!” comes from Stephanie from “Full House”

You remember when it was actually worth getting up early
on a Saturday to watch cartoons.

You got super excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.

You remember reading “Goosebumps”

You know the profound meaning of “Wax on, wax off”

You have pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.

You took plastic cartoon lunch boxes to school.

You danced to “Wannabe” by the Spice Girls, Females: had a new motto, Males: got a whole lot gay-er. (so tell me what you want, what you really really want.)

You remember the craze, then the banning of slap bracelets and slam books.

You still get the urge to say “NOT” after (almost) every sentence…Not…

Where in the world is Carmen San Diego? was both a game and a TV game show.

Captain Planet.

You knew that Kimberly, the pink ranger, and Tommy, the green Ranger were meant to be together.

When playing power rangers with friends you fought over who got to be who…………and still all ended up being Tommy.

You remember when super nintendo’s became popular.

You remember watching home alone 1, 2 , and 3……..and tried to pull the pranks on “intruders”

“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up”

You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates

Two words… Trapper Keeper.

You never got injured on a Slip ‘n’ Slide

You wore socks over leggings scrunched down

“Miss Mary Mack, Mack, Mack, all dressed in black, black, black, with silver buttons, buttons, buttons, all down her back, back, back” SHE ASKED HER MOTHER MOTHER MOTHER FOR FIFTY CENTS CENTS CENTS TO SEE THE ELEPHANTS PHANTS PHANTS JUMP OVER THE FENCE THE FENCE THE FENCE
he jumped so high high high he touched the sky sky sky and he didnt come back back back til the forth of july ly ly he jumped so low ow ow he stubbed his toe toe toe and thats the end end end of the elephants show show show

You remember boom boxes vs. cd players

You remember New Kids on The Block when they were cool

You knew all the characters names and their life stories on “Saved By The Bell”

You played and/or collected “Pogs”

You had at least one Tamagotchi, GigaPet or Nano and brought it everywhere

You watched the original Care Bears, My Little Pony, and Ninja Turtles

NANCY DREW AND THE HARDY BOYS WERE THE BEST MYSTERY BOOKS

Yikes pencils and erasers were the stuff!

All your school supplies were “Lisa Frank” brand.(pencils.notebooks.binders.etc.)

You remember when the new Beanie Babies were always sold out.

You used to wear those stick on earings, not only on your ears, but at the corners of your eyes.

You remember a time before the WB.

You’ve gotten creeped out by “Are You Afraid of the Dark?”

You know the Macarena by heart.

“Talk to the hand” … enough said

You thought Brain woud finally take over the world

You always said, “Then why don’t you marry it!”

You remember when everyone went slinky crazy.

You remember when razor scooters were cool.

When we were younger:

Before the MySpace frenzy…

Before the Internet & text messaging…

Before Sidekicks & iPods…

Before MIKE JONES…

Before PlayStation2 or X-BOX…

…Back when you put off the 5 hours of homework you had every night.

When light up sneakers were cool.

When you rented VHS tapes, not DVDs.

When gas was $0.95 a gallon & Caller ID was a new thing.

When we recorded stuff on VCRs & paid $3.50 for a movie.

When we called the radio station to request songs to hear off our walkmans.

When 2Pac and Biggie where alive.

When the Chicago Bulls were the best team ever.

Way back.

Tag.

Get Over Here!!!! means something to you.

Hide-n-Go Seek at dusk.

Red Light, Green Light.

Heads Up 7 Up.

Playing Kickball & Dodgeball until your porch light came on.

Hopskotch.

Slip-n-Slides.

Tree Houses.

Hula Hoops.

HELLO….HOT WHEELS!!!!!

“POWER OF LOVE” BY CELINE DION..ONLY COUPLES COULD SKATE TO THIS.

The annoying Giga Pets & Furbies.

Running through the sprinklers.

That “Little Mermaid”

Crying when Mufasa died in the Lion King.

Happy Meals where you chose a Barbie or a Hot Wheels car.

Getting the privelage to sit in the front seat of the car.

Drinking Sqeeze It “Squeeze The Fun Out Of It”

CAPRI SUN

Watching Saturday Morning Cartoons in your PJ’s still wrapped up in your TMNT, Power Rangers, Barbie, Fairy Princess comforter.

The original Power Rangers

Or what about:

Hey Arnold.

Rugrats.

The Secret Life of Alex Mac.

Ren & Stimpy.

Double Dare.

Rocco’s Modern Life.

AAAHH!! REAL MONSTERS.

Wild & Crazy Kids.

Clarissa Explains it All.

CAMP NOWHERE

Salute Your Shorts(CAMP ANAWANA)

Are You Afraid of the Dark?

The original cast members of All That.

Kenan & Kel.

“CITY GUYS”…ROLLW/ THE CITY GUYS

Doug.

Magic School Bus.

Nick Arcade.

Flash Forward.

The Adventures of Pete and Pete.

Legends of the Hidden Temple

Hey Dude.

Dinosaurs.

Mummies Alive

Pinky and the Brain

Sailor Moon.

Blossom.

Hangin with Mr. Cooper.

Wishbone.

Bill Nye the Science Guy

MR RODGERS!!!!

Who could forget Snick? & Nick @ Nite with Bewitched, I Dream of Jenie, The Facts of Life & I Love Lucy.

Where everyone wanted to be in love after watching The Wonder Years.

or Nick Jr. with Face

Gulah Gulah Island

Little Bear

Busy Town

Under the Umbrella Tree

PEE-WEE!!!

The Big Comfy Couch

Kool-Aid was the drink of choice.

Wearing your new shoes on the first day of school.

Class field trips.

When Christmas was the most exciting time of year.

When $5 seemed like a million, & another dollar a miracle.

When you begged to go to McDonalds for dinner everyday.

When Toys R Us overuled the mall.

Go back to the time when:

Decisions were made by going ‘eeny-meeny-miney-moe’.

Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming ‘do over!’

‘Race issue’ ment arguing about who ran the fastest.

Money issues were handled by whoever was banker in ‘Monopoly.’

It wasn’t odd to have two or three ‘best’ friends.

Being old referred to anyone over 20.

A chance to skate as a couple at the local roller rink was like winning the lottery.

Scrapes & bruises were kissed & made better.

It was a big deal to finally be tall enought to ride the ‘big people’ rides at the fair.

When playing Nintendo was the hardest thing ever.

When Ninja Turtles ruled the world.

Another Baby Sitter Club and Little Sister (Karen) book came out and you put your name on hold for it at the library.

When Aladdin was new, before the trilogy was complete.

Before we realized all this would eventually disappear

Who would have thought you’d miss the 90’s so much!!!!!

Here was me after the NSBE gala thing…I alluded to it yesterday.

Been writing these entries like crazy lately. I’m not really sure why though, I really haven’t said anything of worth.

I looked through some of my old entries on the other site, and it seemed like I had more to say about the world than about me…I just seemed so much more thoughtful. This new journal seems more about me, and actually, since I’m not on the infamous facebook anymore, I feel like I can be less careful about what I write about. I definitely don’t get as much traffic as I used to since then, but I think I’m okay with that. It’s different when people who see you everyday know your personal thoughts.

Still though…writing about ME…

Sometimes I think I use this journal for selfish reasons. I guess a journal should be a personal thing, to write about YOUR thoughts, and what YOU think about life. I think I write more to communicate to others than to just write what I think…or that whatever I write is based on an ulterior motive. This is especially strange since I have no reason to do so as not many people I truly know read this, or those that I do know, I can just speak to directly. Still though, I know I can just talk to people, but I still feel like…maybe I can’t speak to them like I want to or as much as I want to so I try to communicate through as many lines as possible…which actually isn’t fair since they’re not doing the same, and have no reason to do the same.

Whatever though. This journal is supposed to be about me. For me. Not for anyone else. Maybe I just need to be more aware of what I write….

…

I’m beginning to think that people are coming to their senses though…

…

Did you ever wish that someone you cared about wasn’t successful with something so they could still be on your level or that maybe they would stay with you? Maybe it was a promotion, graduating from college, becoming Greek, anything that is a wonderful life experience but at the same time, it would make them less available or obligated to you.

It’s especially bothersome when you see signs that they’re ready to move on. Why does everyone have to always move on? Fuck the notion that people are supposed to be a part of your life for a season. Seasons never last long enough…and sometimes seasons may be forgotten.

I can see it coming though…I really can.

…to get what you want.

Except I didn’t get anything really.

(more…)

MAN!

That whole Leprechan in Mobile thing has really become a fad.

During my persual of people’s blogs this morning, I discovered that there’s now a website devoted to the sighting. It has a transcript of the original newscast, links to video, songs sad people made up, photo manipulations, and even merchandise! Here are are some of my favorite manipulations….

(more…)

Whew!

It’s finally all over, back at home not a day too soon.

NSBE conference was wack like crack as usual….

If you’re an engineer though, I’m sure it would be an empowering and motivating experience…but let me just try to harp on the good points…

As of Friday, not too much happened.

Saturday we all slept in then walked around downtown Pitssburg to see what we could see.

At Quizno’s…

All employees had a name ending in –esha. This was not a coincidence, in fact, it was told to us that their WHITE boss thought it would be easier to remember their names if they all had –esha names. For example, the cashier’s “name” was Moesha. Her real name was Amber.

At Starbucks…

Nothing really interesting happened here. We were introduced to Madeline cookies. They taste like pound cake.

At CVS…

We saw a cross dresser. He/she walked in and bought condoms. We’d seen him the other night peCOCKing on a city corner.

At Sally’s…

I bought another ponytail since the other one was a couple of shades off. It’s curly and has a great whip effect.

Back at the hotel…

Changed clothes. I implemented “the ponytail” and was convinced to go commando by my overbearing prophyte since the material on my dress was so thin. (okay well she’s not overbearing, but she is opinionated). Although I was paranoid that people might get a glimpse of my goodies, I was hot if I do say so myself. People were taking pictures, even random people I didn’t know. I’ll post pictures later.

At the closing ceremony…

Once again IBM showed out with their rap music, lively DJ, and the sponsoring of Mos Def as the musical artist.

My site won the region for the National website compeition, but we were beat out by the university of houston as I predicted. I always get fustrated with people for not utilizing thier websites, and Houston did it well. Maybe I should ask their chair what that did to get people to send them content…

Mos Def’s performance was okay. He only did maybe two songs that I knew…Brown Sugar and Umi Says. Fortunately though, I wasn’t the only one who was uninformed. According to fans of his, he was doing random stuff.

After the ceremony…

I decided to follow rules and stayed behind as the roommates went to the grown folks parties. Sadly, the parties on the last night are the least lame so they had fun unlike the other nights we went to them. I enjoyed the time to myself though. Got some things done that I wasn’t able to do before…

They came back around three and some went back out for the executive parties thrown by the national board. I don’t know what they were doing out there, but I heard some things about people getting even more inebriated than usual. It’s none of my never mind though, I won’t say a word.

This morning…

Took a $15 dollar shuttle back to the airport, got me a breakfast sammich from Mickey D’s, partook in it while waiting for the plane, got seated next to a nervous high school flyer, exuded confidence and faith that we wouldn’t crash into the mighty Alleghany mountains, soothed the emotions of all.

The chaperone across the row, A MALE, was reading Addicted by Zane. I was alarmed at the
position of his hand under the book. I think there was some pleasure palming going on.

I’ve realized my excellent flat iron was lost during the trip, which is a tragedy because it does wonders. I’m going to see if I can find a new one for cheap on ebay…the other was a bit raggedy anyway…I feel that I was jipped out of $50 by my line sister…

Now I’m about to get me a nap as loud talking/drunk females and sleep do not mix…

Okay well not really…

But man engineers are so pompous! And Black ones are 10 times worse.

Or maybe I’m just letting my feelings speak for me, but it really seems that way. Every year I tell myself I’m not doing NSBE, and yet somehow, I always think it’ll get better and participate anyway. This whole conference is really discouraging though. You could be the most talented person, and they still won’t want you.

Other than conference things though, I guess things have been okay.

They snuck me into the 21 and up area…I was opposed to the idea as they were carding, but I once again employed my roommate’s license and got in okay. Met lots of old school omega’s from my school, one of which said he was trying to talk to one of my sorors back in 1990. He said she was beautiful, but he was messing around with a couple of girls at the time so she didn’t pay him any mind. He was excited to see that we were K’s from Tech and asked if we knew her, which we did. He was all excited and gave us his card with a personal message written on the back for her. We called and told her about him and she said and I quote,

“I don’t know that nigga.”

Most gorgeous person in the world if you see her, and she really keeps it real.

It’s really strange to see companies sponsor “hospitality suites.” IBM had uncensored rap and free flowing free alcohol. Maybe 70% of the people there were drunk, including employees and recruiters. It was kind of comical. I’m sure it would be awkward if you got sloppy drunk with a recruiter and then turned around tried to get them to hire you the next day.

I’m so hungry now…haven’t eaten all day and it’s 11 PM. I think I’ll bite the bullet and get some room service to make me feel better.

Had a talk with my person I go to today. I haven’t seen her in about a month as my number of free sessions or dwindling, so I had a lot to catch her up on. She brought up a lot of good points, like how maybe the reason why I have a certain attachment to someone is because I was real with them from the start. I never pretended with them and was always true to myself whenever I was with them. Her theory is that My attachment stems from someone knowing and accepting the real me, someone I think only that person knows. She thought that maybe if I were the real me with other people, then not only will my other relationships be more meaningful, but I’ll also not rely on that one person and perhaps become more independent of them. So we’re going to try it out and see. I’m extremely opposed to doing this, but here are a few truths about the real me…

…

Beeches.

My name is KaNisa.

I am the youngest of three daughters and am treated as the baby in familial situations. For the most part, I don’t stand up for myself with them, hence me not having a car, my own place, or even my college paid for as my sisters did, but I don’t really feel like fighting them about such matters.

I have dog named Akanie. I love her but I wish I could just play with her and not take care of her.

I love computers. Well actually more like I love what you can do with them. Playing games, talking to people, creating things.

I not a people person. I don’t like getting to know people. I don’t like people in my business, and I can’t stand most people for an extended period of time.

I’m a member of Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority Incorporated. It took me about two years and nine and a half weeks to become part of my chapter, and after all this time…

I’m pretty satisfied with the way I look, but I wish I had a few more inches up top and down bottom. Whatever’s in between is just fine. I also wish my hair was a bit longer.

I wish I had a voice that didn’t sound like I was 12.

I wish I had a lot of money and didn’t have to work for it.

I love everything about penises and feel cheated when I don’t have one to play with. (lol)

I’m by definition a virgin but not one by everyone’s definition.

I believe in astrology.

I believe in the Holy Trinity but do not necessarily practice Christian values.

I’m actually very sexual though I may not act on it most of the time.

I get scared when I’m somewhere by myself because I have a fear of being left behind during the Rapture.

When I know I’m doing wrong, I don’t pray or do anything religious because i’m guilty.

I don’t like wearing pajamas and actually prefer to sleep naked.

I can’t sleep when doors are open in the room (closet doors, wardrobe doors, etc.)

I think I was a man in my past life because sometimes when I get aroused I have a desire to plow someone instead of wanting to be plowed.

I always try to act more innocent and naieve than I am.

I like being in charge of things and have a hard time following.

I’d rather not say something and have everyone seemengly get along than speak up and cause conflict or (gasp!) maybe even a solution.

I get really attached to people and become jealous when their attention lies elsewhere, whether that’s a family member, friend, boyfriend, or ex’s.

Despite what I say, I can’t separate feelings and sex.

But sometimes I have moods when I want to use someone for the time being.

I’ve never really been drunk or even had a buzz, but I’ve told people I have.

I find some women sexually attractive, but none that Ive seen in person. When I do see these women, I’d think of being with them as a man and not as a woman.

I’ve seen porn before and actually find it stimulating.

I secretly want to be a stripper and or work for one of those moonlight bunny ranches like that documentary show on HBO.

…

I think that’s enough truths for today. Are you shocked? Thought I was all innocent right? wrong. WRONG!

Back in Atlanta. It was a tortuous ride.

I sped all the way up here with my mother trying to initiate conversation the whole way. She was all, “KaNisa. Please open up to me. Am I smothering you? Why are you so quiet? What’s wrong?”

Then…

“Sometimes I worry about you. When I was your age, I was about to graduate from college and get married in July. You don’t have that option so what are you going to do when you graduate? Get a job? Go to graduate school? I feel like I’ve sheltered you too much…”

We both cried when she left though. Nothing like a Mother’s love…and nothing like hearing, seeing, and feeling how much someone loves you.

Daddy was also smothering last night. It was more along the lines of career than the assurance of grandchildren, but it was still, “what are you going to do this summer? Are you going to get an internship? Can you even get one with your major? Why haven’t you gotten one already? If you don’t get an internship now, you won’t have a job when you graduate…”

As if I don’t think about all of this on my own.

I haven’t really decided what I want to do when I graduate. It all really depends, I really would like to immediately continue with school and get a Masters degree in business, but I also want to move away from my parents. Preferably in New England or maybe the west coast when I get some money.

As far as everything else goes…I can’t believe my mother even mentioned the prospect of marriage. I know I’m young, but it IS most girls’ dream to be married within a few years of graduating from college. The chances of that are looking pretty bleak though since I’ve only had two boyfriends in my life one of which is getting married himself and neither relationship lasted longer than four months.

I’m really kind of scared about that though. I’m really discerning when it comes to that type of thing, but I really do give a lot to relationships…maybe too much. I tend to put people on pedestals…it would be great to be treated the same way, but what are the odds? I’m scared I won’t ever meet someone and be subject to a future of career and nothing else. Every female in my family, my generation down is in this predicament. Wonderfully successful careers, 30+, and no prospect of marriage anytime soon. Why would it be any different for me?

I dreamed about it last night.

I lived in an expensive loft in New York and worked for an Advertising firm there. I had everything money could buy including some fantastic breasts courtesy of Brava. I traveled a lot though and was so busy with work, I hardly had time to maintain friendships, must less anything more. Even though I had everything I wanted, I was still supremely sad because I had no one to spoil, not even in a materialistic way, but in a loving way.

I always spoil the people I care about in that way…

and fill kind of empty when I don’t have anyone to spoil.

Hence the situation a few entries ago.

in a season of
beautiful clowns betrayals
unapologetic

To be honest that whole entry was bullshit. I really didn’t care about repercussions. It was really thinking, “Who cares? I’m getting mine while the getting’s good. Who cares about ‘love’? You can control it and it never lasts…”

But then that thought processes is bullshit too. It does exist. You can’t control it a it’ll always last, no matter what…

to surround yourself with
arms that will not hold you
to dream yourself home
where the road is dust
and dissolves in purple.

Why does everyone have to keep talking about the future? Careers, Degrees, Responsibility, Marraige…can’t we just live for today and worry about tomorrow later?

The following is an account of last night. When at home on break, I usually devote one night to me and me alone. In the past I was kind of forced to do this all the time because my sisters were a bit older and always doing their own thing whenever they were or weren’t around. Now I kind of like to amuse myself every once in a while. It’s like regressing to the age of 12 without fear of being observed.

Last time for example, during winter break, I stood buck naked in front of the mirror and sang the entire Rent Highlights CD.

With passion.

For hours.

Yes I’m sad, but thus is the life of…

The Youngest/Only Children

It’s almost midnight. My section of the house is set at a chilly 63 degrees…perfect temperature for comfortable nighttime sleeping, or setting up camp under lots of comforters with snacks, music and movies nearby. (It’s 30 degrees outside and my parents don’t believe and turning on the heater).

I want to take a bath before I dive in though.

I’d turned up the water heater for my part of the house as it’s usually not on very high when no one but the parents are home. I didn’t rightly know what I was doing, but the idea is to turn it back when I finish taking a bath just to be safe..

As I waited for the water to get hot, I busied myself by cleaning up my room. Amazing how disarranged things can get in just a week.

Frank Sinatra…wait now Usher serenaded me as I worked…”Nice and Slow” I sang along and did some body rolls in the mirror earlier…”I’ll freak you right I will, I’ll freak you right I will, I’ll freak you like no one has every made you feel…”

…Daddy knocked on the door and asked me to turn my music down as my voice carries and the bass is echoing downstairs.

“Sexual Healing” now …

Wonder if the water’s hot yet…

Bought some foot spa stuff today. Going to see how well it works. Spring is coming, important to not have HAMMERTIME going on like Bouncy (aka Beyonce, but I like calling her Bouncy).

“…Let’s make love tonight. Cuz you do it right.”

Got one of those ponytails today too just for fun. They were on sale for six dollars. I kind of like them, wish I had that much hair for real…

Or maybe not…that’s A LOT of hair for one person to have…

Phil Collins now, “It’s another day for you and me in paradise…”

Oh yeah, I’m that eclectic with my music.

…

Why are all these songs sex/love related?
Though, I think about 98% of the songs in existence are.

Oleta Adams – Get Here *skip
Silk – Freak Me…

More body rolls….gyrate, gyrate…*skip

Pastor Troy – Are We Cuttin’ *skip
Donny Hathaway – A Song for You *skip
Michael Jackson – Heal the World.

Here we go. Let me go find a lighter. *waves it in the air

Oh! maybe I can play Technopoly and/or Life…right hand versus left hand.

Losing hand has too…

LOL…

Man that Debarge family is just so talented!

“Cruel, how could you be so cruel, cruel, cruel, cruel
…you treat me like a fool, fool, fool, fool…”

“It’s Iggin me baby,
I know you got a man,
Someone to kiss your lips
Someone to hold your hand,
And I don’t understand…”

I remember that Chico being kinda fyne.

Alright. I think that water should be hot now.

Holla!

O’Jays – “Money, Money, Money”

*Does a slow strut to tub to the beat of the music…George Jefferson Style.

Hooooo it is officially time to return to school…

Mother worked all week but took off today. It was full of KaNisa you need to, KaNisa I’d feel more comfortable if…KaNisa I think you….

I was like, “say my name one more time…ONE MORE TIME!!!!”

(in my head of course)

In person it’s more like, “…”

And my mother responds with:

“KaNisa why do you have an attitude?”

(Which I don’t actually have outwardly. It’s not like there are any snap, snap, and head wiggle moments. When I’m upset, I just don’t speak. And to my mother if I don’t speak, it means I have an attitude and need an attitude adjustment. ) Not everyone’s chipper all the time though, dang. I just woke up with things on my mind and nagging just aggravates the situation.

And those things…

I think I just might have become be the bad person I’m so critical of. You know that girl who’s all flirtatious and messes with your man behind your back….perhaps catering to part of him that you can’t really reach…or the part that of him you didn’t know you weren’t reaching.

I can never stay on my side of the line when it comes down to this person…I always have to come right up to the line, back up, come right up to it, back WAY back, then take a running leap over. I have no discipline. I really don’t. It’s terrible.

When it comes to line crossing, I’m 108% delusional.

I mean, give me a locked room, this person, a computer, some type of game console, a lifetime supply of Blondies from Applebees, a lifetime supply of anti-child protection, and my personal Blizzard fan and I would pass the time quite nicely.

In reality I just have to be satisfied with maintaining these anonymous cyber connections, becoming an entirely different person than I appear to be… or perhaps maybe I am this person and she’s just repressed…

I suddenly feel like that Zane character in Nervous…good girl on the outside, someone entirely different in the inside…

No reason or excuse to be this way with someone I can’t guiltlessly corrupt or jade though. But when there’s no hint of anyone else like that around…

*sigh…

I think I’ve reached a new low.

Luckily my heart is still safely in check.

I think I might turn into one of those ice cold females who use males simply for pleasure purposes.

Goodness help me, my morals are slowly slipping away…

I have so many email addresses, it’s a little out of control.

I decided to take inventory on the ones that I knew of to see which ones I could stop using and found some emails….WHEW, LMAO…

I have some reeeealy dark/interesting sides….

I was almost scared to read down a few of those…

And was appropriately stimulated during others…
…printed some of those out for later use…

And at the time of writing some of those, I was so serious…

hilarious.

Cre8tive La8y strikes again!

Doing this thing for NSBE Skins Challenge.

Decided to do a little tribute to pop culture and make one showcasing three popular websites…

Haven’t quite finished yet, but here’s a sneak peak (it’s a skin file to see it, you should just be able to open it).

I think I’ll send the finished product to those three websites so at least they’ll know I’m linking to them and to avoid copyright infringments.

They’ll be getting lots of exposure too though so…maybe it’ll be good for everyone…

…I breathe fire, I represent, speed, strength, power, and wisdom…

…

…and I’m going to Kill Bill.

Watched Volume II tonight. Made me wish I hadn’t given up my Tae Kwon-Do. I reminisced by whipping around the house with my sword and pretending to snatch out the eyes of invisible people…

I remember my Master being sexist…he wouldn’t let me compete with my sword because it was a male dominated competition…I got a staff instead. I bet if I stayed in Mississippi I would have gotten to do swords eventually though, I placed all the time with in my staff and hyung competitions (you know when you see old people on the beach doing slow punches and kicks and everything…those are kind of what hyung are) Five state champion for two years straight in the regional National Tae Kwon Do Federation of America championships…I just got my A kicked in sparring…

Not that I wasn’t good or anything, I was. My form was perfect, it’s just that you have to go by the rules and can’t take people down…just punching, blocking, and kicking, it was like I’d be the best fighter in class, but when I went to tournaments, I’d have to fight some she-man that was 20 times bigger than me…

Man though, if I could have taken her down, it would have been on…

I really want to study Ninjutsu one day though. I hear they only really do it in the Northeast, but I saw a dude at a tournament once. He was pretty good too…

Chick was CRAZY!

I mean, it’s one thing to think about all that when you’re going through a break up, but it’s entirely different actually act it out. I mad my mother thought I could relate…lol..

No really though, I understand what she meant. The movie was about these two kids in high school that were in love. They had a lot of sexual tension between them and were both really conflicted, the guy because his boys were turning blue for lack of release, and the idea that he wasn’t supposed to deflower good girls, and the girl because she was told that it was sinful to even have sexual thoughts about a boy.

The boy decided it was best to break up with the girl and spend time with someone that was more loose so he wouldn’t do something he wouldn’t regret, and the chick went insane as a result. She was suicidal, delusional, and just plain crazy. She went to a mental hospital while he lived life for a few years and got married. When crazy chick left the hospital, she was still emotionally tied to dude and wanted to see him.

In the end, she found out dude was married and how he was living. The person eh married was the complacent type that type acquiesced to his requests and stayed pregnant. They lived in the country raising cattle and chickens. I guess they suggested that they weren’t doing too well as their young son was on the kitchen floor playing with a chicken. At the very end, the crazy chick’s friends asked if she still loved him. She didn’t answer, but the movie ended with her thinking about a line from Wordsworth’s poem that she read in high school, “though nothing can bring back the hour of splendor in the grass, glory in the flower, we will grieve not; rather find strength in what remains behind.”

Real talk.

…

Ick…i used slang…

Funny how all these websites say this is such a tragic movie. I’m thinking really? I think it’s just real and somehow empowering especially since the dude’s life wasn’t so gratifying in the end. I mean, he was all like, “I’m going to decide what’s good for you by breaking up with you so you won’t have to compromise your values… and i like you a lot but i’m going to go over here for the poon tang for now. Even though this other relationship isn’t as passionate as ours was, it’s just more feasible” and then he had the nerve to complain he wasn’t happy. That was your decision dude…

…

I’m just saying…LOL…

*Turns off snap snap and head wiggle attitude

I really do identify though. I was pulling for them in the end.

Back at home now. Family business abounds.

There was an email about this year’s family reunion on my Daddy’s side. I’m excited because I’ll finally be of age and will be able to hang out with my cousins. It was kind of funny because in the meeting minutes about the reunion, for the first time, they referred to me by name, (albeit they spelled it wrong, but it’s the thought that counts). It made me think of all the names I’m known by family members and others. Starting from the beginning…

“Thangs” – I was probably less than a year old. My aunt was changing my diaper. I was “dropping some packages off” as she did so. Not expecting such an event, she cried, “THANGS!”

I’ve been known by that name by much of the family ever since.

The Knox – (pronounced knot) This name was passed from my father to me. He was called this when he was little, and he and some other members of the family still call me this to this day. Also, I guess I was the tomboy of the family…always getting into/in trouble/hurt for no reason…

Juke Baby – (pronounced juk baby) This name was acquired from my mothers side. I was known for shaking my little tail feather when music was played.

Nisi – started in elementary school. A girl in my girl scout troop started calling me this for no reason in particular.

Nisibee – Was trying to think of a new screen name in high school. A friend and I were brainstorming and she came up with this. No one really calls me that but one person now.

#3 – Sorors and I refer to myself as this…

Carpe Diem – I don’t know if anyone really refers to themselves as their line name…but yeah I suppose it fits in the category of nickname anyway

I think that’s all of the nicknames I know of…a brief little history of me.

About to watch an old school Warner Brothers movie called Splendor in the Grass now. Might write about it later, my mother says she cried when she first saw it and that I’ll find a lot of parallels in it. We’ll see…

Look at me America, I’m on spring break!

I celebrated by not doing JACK.

Woke up around noon. Wandered around the apartment to see what people were doing, ended up watching some really lame lifetime movies in between some really long blinks (aka naps), played Sims for a while, and perused the underwear section of the International Male website. (I swear that is to females what a Victoria’s Secret catalog is to males…have mercy!)

I think that will be a cheap birthday gift for my close female acquaintances….one of those catalogs and a card. Made my afternoon happy…lol…

Going home to the ‘Bany tomorrow to do more nothing for a while. Might even turn my phone off to really get away…

Congrats to the Neo’s of Spring 06 over at the Sweet Mu Pi Chapter @ Spelman College! You guys were deep and did a great job! Welcome to the sisterhood!

Skee wee!

She says what I feel. My delusional side…

For the first time I’ve allowed someone , no you, to strip me of all my
confusion, all my doubt, all my fear of love
and life.
I am Naked. Butt naked. Yes naked and
Impressed with your ability to see me,
To see Me
clearly
through my private, lonely haze.
You touch me.
You feel me and make me tremble with the possibilities of
tomorrow, the next day, the next day and forever baby.
With you.
I feel my cloud cleared
my rain washing me.
With you
My flower blooms in December cold
With you
I lose mental chaos and regain tranquility.
You have my power and when I grow weary,
you replenish me.
With you
my angry ocean sits by placid easy calm
With you
I have become
My entire self.

Thank you.

~ Jill Scott

My realistic side…

You
My first love
My first kiss
M first experience
There have been others since
But still we sex
When I don’t have a love
Even when you might

You My constant
My anytime
My easy fix
Continuous
You know me
Memorized the spell
You used when I was sixteen
Pull it from thin air
Whenever you’d like
What I do

You
Heat and passion
Us
Bodies banging
Waves crashing
We kiss like we used to
We move and grind like we used to
We grip and hold
We inhibition free too
And then I remember
I’m not sixteen anymore.
- Jill Scott

That’s all.

Listening to Flava Flav a la Public Enemy.

Today is Thursday March 16, 2006.

I am overtaken by a load of hormones which are manifesting themselves in a two forms: migraines and WHOREmones…alas…

I didn’t make it all the way to classes today. Skipped one entirely and went to the other for about a third of class time (30 minutes). The only reason I went to that one was to take role for my roommate, she’s out of town for an interview. I actually would have stayed had it not been for an in class group assignment. Too much noise and people talking and I’m out of morphine (aka Imitrex)…

I’m planning on spending the rest of the day until today’s rounds of meetings in bed watching the ABC family channel. Old school TGIF will abound.

…

*switches to distant look of intimate thoughts mode*

Have you ever continuously done something you know you shouldn’t be doing that in the past you felt it was hard to give up, but now given the same situation sometimes you feel that it wouldn’t be so hard to give up?

I’m kind of living that now. This time around with this situation, I take everything with about a tablespoon of salt. I’m very aware of what my weaknesses are and how I lost control of the situation last time am I’m taking care not to care too much.

As far as being able to give things up. I think my self esteem is a little higher this time. I can acknowledge that there is a separation between my feelings of the past and what I feel now, and I have more experience dealing with the habits of others. I think my heart is finally able to move independently without any strings, not to say that it’s completely void of any feelings, because that certainly isn’t the case, but now I can live life without wondering and over analyzing different events. I can accept that someone else gets to have what I wanted for so long and not harbor any resentment. Well maybe not NONE AT ALL, but a lot less than it would have been months ago…lol…

I don’t know…all of that was really cryptic, but I just wanted to write it out. We’ll see how long this lasts though. I know I always say things like this and then a week later my resolve will broken and I’ll be full of delusions again… I think the levels are about 74% resolve 26% delusional now.

…

But I mean, I wouldn’t be averse to having a bit of a “send off” into fate’s future that would involve a night of no consequences or reference that it ever happened…

sorry about that. blame my fallopian tubes…sometimes they take over my thought processes…

Today was the busiest day EVER! Here’s how it went:

8:00 AM Wake up and prepare for class/study for test
9:30 - 11 AM Internet Design
11 AM - Noon Study for marketing test
Noon - 1:30 Marketing Test
1:30 -3:30 Put finishing touches on programs book for AKA regional
3:30 - 5:00 Go to printers for the book
(It looks absolutely incredible by the way. I’m not one to brag, but this is actually worth bragging about. Maybe I’ll post it after it’s all over…)
5:00 6:30 Make changes and go back to printers
6:30 10 Chapter Meeting
10 - 1 another meeting

I’ve finally returned to my room. SO tired and hungry, I don’t know what to do with myself. I had my daily intake of vegetables (shocking, yes. I eat them now), but man, that stuff isn’t filling. I really just want to go to bed, and actually can since I don’t have anything due until after spring break, but i feel like i have to be productive just because deadlines and tests and everything else have been so crazy lately.

LOL when I finally have time to be lazy, I don’t want to.

The GTSBE site is a national finalist.

There are some other great sites though so I don’t know how it’ll do later on. There are a lot more entries this year. I know last year it was in the top three, but we’ll see.

Now that I’m going, I’m trying to enter every competition I can. Now that I’ve submitted the websites, I’m going to try to enter the Windows Media Skin challenge also. The judges are some big time media gurus which including:

Israel Cook - Graphics Designer, BET.com
Roger Hughlett - Technology Reporter, Washington Business Journal
Tavis Smiley – Commentator, The Tavis Smiley Show
Syreeta Thomas - 2004-2005 Chairperson, NSBE Region 6
Keith Toussaint - Windows Media Program Manager, Microsoft Corporation
Omar Wasow - Executive Director, Blackplanet.com
Roger Zimmerman, Ph.D. - Integrated Media Systems, University of Southern California

This could mean big things!!!

Prizes are:
5 Finalists Prizes: “Best Original Skin.” Each registered team member will receive an Xbox 360 video game system and an Xbox 360 game title (Estimated Retail Value $400). Actual game title to be determined by Sponsors.

First Place Prize: “Overall Best Skin.” Each registered team member will receive $500

Second Place Prize: “Overall Best Skin.” Each registered team member will receive $250

Third Place Prize: “Overall Best Skin.” Each registered team member will receive $125

I’m kind of excited! I’m making it my spring break project.

Couple of things.

Firstly, I believe they’re going to carry me to jail for having pedophilistic thoughts about a 14 year old.

Okay to defend myself, it wasn’t even like that. I just saw the dude and made a mental note that he somewhat resembled Mr. Ealy. All he needed was the eyes.

And all he needs is a couple of years…say 9 or so.

I had to restrain myself from asking if he had an older brother.

Augh, I’m terrible.

In other news…

Watched the extended editions of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy this weekend. They reminded me why I was so obsessed about that move. Before it was just because of the gorgeous characters…

Aragorn, Son of Arathorn

Legolas Greenleaf

Eomer

Gorgeous/manly characters they are. Mmph! Have mercy! Jesus wept!

Watching this time though, I was really impressed by just how true the movie was to the book. Although they did take a few liberties with the story, the scenes were as beautiful or action filled and just everything I imagined things to be in my mind when reading the books. The colors were so rich, especially in the Shire. The green was so vivid there…even the computer generated Rivendell…so real looking you could hardly tell it wasn’t. Every single frame of that movie would make a great picture.

Then the story is just so entertaining. I laughed, I cried, I wanted to take down an elephant and 10+ people in three minutes and 26 seconds. There is so much in that trilogy that is so wonderful. Even though people may think me a nerd for saying so, that is my favorite and one of the greatest movies of all time.

OH. My. God.

I would like to take this time to say…

Boo + Boo = BOO BOO.

Flava Flave.

Flava of Love.

Last night.

A GRILLE AT A TOKEN OF HIS AFFECTION?! REALLY?

My sister and I took turns regurgitating into a virtual trash receptacle as we watched the finale. I lost appetite for my pretzel snack as I saw his crusty lips touch those of the poor unsuspecting girls. That man is SO ugly.

After it was all over, my sister called and said “New York gave up the boo-tay and still lost.”

She owes me two dollars and fifty five cents for losing our betting pool.

…

Wow, I feel like my intelligence was insulted for even watching…

Did some community service today just because.

It was a Hands on Atlanta program that worked individually with students in pre-k through fifth grade. I worked with a first grader. He didn’t know how to read, or really even write correctly. He was left handed and didn’t really know how to hold a pencil. Also he didn’t understand how to add or subtract. Surprisingly though, he was really good at reading comprehension. I would read through stories with me pointing out words and him repeating them, and at the end, he could answer all the questions without even going back to the story! Even I had to go back a couple of times to make sure!

When I left, I was kind of upset. I wondered how he even got to the first grade; I know I learned how to do all that even before I went to school. But then I realized that maybe he didn’t have anyone working with him other than at school. I called my mother and thanked her for Listen and Learn (WOW I can’t believe that’s still around! And WOW it’s so expensive!!! And WOW one more time…why has it not changed in like 30 years?”) and all those workbooks we had to slave through in the summer or even during the school year. I always got fustrated that we had to do that while all the other kids were outside riding bikes, but I guess it was worth it in the end.

Finally got around to finishing some websites, one of which is mine.

I took the easy way out with mine. I couldn’t figure out a way to display the work I’ve done without manually making thumbnails or making some flash application that would take forever to update, so I just installed one of those image galleries that displays flash also.

Finished Product
edited to add: okay well I decided to edit an old site and submit it instead. The regular one was just too plain.

Also finally finished the NSBE site. It was started months ago, I just never got the drive to finish it.

I’m submitting both to their website competition for Nationals. I wouldn’t say it’s my best work, but it’s worth a try.

Listening to Debarge.

These songs can put me in a totally different place.

I don’t remember much about them from the 80’s…really only vaguely. All of their songs fall under my “Michigan song” category though with the rest of the 80’s songs I remember.

Some of these though… man they just take me back to not that long ago. I had to take a break from what I was doing and talk about some of these. All these cause me to relive some times. I’ll write as the songs come on.

All this Love

- I feel just Loved and like I’m in Love.
- I remember playing this a few times while riding in the car with someone.
- I Remember stealing The Ultimate Debarge collection from someone.
(Okay well all these someones is the same someone, I’ll be making apoint later)

Love Me in a Special Way
- I believe this is and was my theme to how I approach relationships. I’m not every girl. Listen and find out how you can get me (lol)

Rhythm of the Night
- A true Michigan song. I think this is the one I remember most from the good old days.

I Like It
- I don’t know why, but this seems like a great driving song for some reason…

Love Always
- I think I wrote a couple of loaded emails to this song…not on purpose. Just coincidence.

Time Will Reveal
- Was the music for a certain sim movie…sadly I deleted it a while back. It was a masterpiece, I wish I hadn’t.
- I swore by this song until time revealed something I didn’t want it to.

Who’s Holding Donna Now
- Lived this for a minute

Stay With Me
Part of me really might be relating to this song right now. I’ll never admit it again though.

A Dream
- Lived every part of this song. Was really feeling this last summer. Trying to keep the previous song’s feelings in check so I won’t be feeling this again.

I guess finally made headway in life. I can finally look back on that relationship as one that had some fantastic times and not one that was a negative experience. Before, whenever I heard any Debarge or John Legend song, I always got really down and lonely. Now I can hear them and just remember those good times. Sure I miss being in a real relationship like that with someone like that, but I don’t know. Que sera, sera…

Who really enjoys being accountable for anything?

The more you take on in life, the more you’re responsible for. By nature, I’m a pretty laid back (lazy) person, but once I’m moved to do something, I really get into it whether I want to or not. I guess that is one Taurean quality I do have…being on that lazy until moved to be driven tip. I remember this time last year, I was involved in things, but not really anything that had an active role. I would be perfectly happy to lay in bed all day, do schoolwork at my own leisure, and not be obligated to anyone but myself.

I need more of that in my life, lol…

In organizations, I’ll take on the brunt of the work, especially if it has something to do with something I think I’m good at whether that’s a website, flyer, or whatever else. Sometimes though, that kind of work gets tedious because even though that’s my staple, it’s something someone else can do. However I feel like if someone else does it, people will still associate it with me somehow or it might not be done as well.

Group projects. Meetings every day. There’s one in just about every class I’m in. For the first time though, I’m sitting back on some roles. Usually I’m the one who will do my part, someone else’s and combine everyone’s work and revise it. Now I’ll just do my part, and hope everyone just does their part on their own. If we all go down, then we’ll all go down together.

Then in just life sometimes you just want to do things and not worry about the consequences. It’s like, “I’m going to do this and enjoy it for what it is. I’m going to live in the moment and think about the rest tomorrow.” But those kind of decisions can yield the worst repercussions…

I don’t know…sometimes you get so tired of being the good dependable person all the time. Sometimes you just want to be a slacker like everyone else. Whether that’s in action, morals, or whatever…

*hears vibrating phone*

is that mine?

*feels backpack for vibration*

yep that’s mine. Who is it?

Incoming call
Mommy

“why is she calling now? She knows I’m in class. Let me text my sister”

Hey, I’m in cla…

Incoming call
Mommy

Mommy
Speakerphone on
00:00:01…00:00:02

“Hello?!?! Hello?!?!”

*receive glances from fellow classmates

“end call! end call!”

Continue text message…I’m in class…

Sister answers…call daddy.

*walks outside and calls daddy*

“Hey Daddy”

“Hello? Hello! I can’t hear you, hello?”

“Daddy?”

“Hello?!?! Speak up!”

“Daddy can you hear me?”

“Let me walk outside.”

*hears footsteps and opening door.

“Hello?”

“hey Daddy. Someone called me?”

“Yeah we’re at Pappadeaux’s. Do you want us to bring you anything?”
(even though we all just ate there for lunch yesterday)

“I could appreciate some frog legs.”

“Okay we’ll bring it by”

“Thanks…”

Sister couldn’t just write all that in a text?

Sigh… gotta love family.

Black people. Really?

Somehow, It’s hard Out Here for a Pimp won an Oscar for best orginal song. Firstly, I was surprised when I the lyrics used poor subsitutes for, “bitches, shit, and nigger”. I couldn’t even tell it was edited. Then, when it was announced that they won, 50 people jumped out on stage, though they were quickly whittled down later on.

Three 6 Mafia were all talking over each other trying to thank people with random exclimations of “thank you Jesus’s” and random curse words that were bleeped.

When John Stuart came back on stage after they were finished, he just laughed as did many people in the audience. Setting us back 100 years…

As usual, whitey used the oportunity to make an ignorant comment. Jimmy Kimmel, a man I CANNOT STAND said, “I guess those guys are gonna melt the [Oscar] statues down and make [gold] teeth…”

Ugh.

I can’t wait until that comes up on youtube though.

Edited to add…

I think i was a victim of a paypal scam today.

(more…)

Learning some interesting things in my psychology class. Basically maybe 80% of human behavior is based on sex. Aside from that though according to my book:

A woman is biologically “guaranteed” that her children will carry her genes. No such guarantee exists for men. If you’re male, no matter how many times you’ve copulated with a given woman, there is some nonzero probability that her offspring carry the genes of some other man.

Isn’t that incredible?! Your child, that was once an egg fertilized by YOUR sperm, could actually be the child of your partner’s ex boyfriend. YOUR child could have her ex’s eyes, nose, ears…

And according to my book, this is essentially why men have more of a problem with sexual infidelity rather than with emotional infidelity. Inherently, he’s jealous that the other person’s genes may get passed on instead of his. Women, on the other hand, have more of a problem with emotional infidelity. No matter what, her genes get passed on, but if her partner is connected to someone else, he won’t really be there to support her when she’s with child. Or I guess, since his genes aren’t guaranteed to be passed on through her, she may get jealous that the other female will get the genes she wants for her child.

If you’re male, you may or may not be passing on your genes when a female you’ve copulated with has a child. If you’re female…you should pay attention to the possibility that a man you have copulated with may become attached to another woman and leave.

Interesting stuff, really.

***

I finally got to see Rent, the movie anyway. I guess it was about time since I know most of the words of the songs and I’ve also read the script. It’s an incredible work, Jonathon Larsen was a genius…watching the documentary about it now. It’s really amazing how these works are created and how they can last so long…

It was a really nice day day today.

The sky was blue with just a few clouds.

The temperature was perfect, just warm enough to not have a coat on, but still not too hot.

The white people were out throwing around random things. (Passing through the Greek area, they were throwing around baseballs, footballs, and bean bags)

I actually walked to class, not because I missed the Stinger, but because I actually wanted to.

And I missed a midterm exam.

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Just a pre-warning, if you don’t feel like reading pessimism or self-esteem leaking complaints then you might want to skip this entry.

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Ow my chest! My bloody chest…my outfit…lmao

What is there to say really? I don’t even know.

“Just keep swimming” I guess…

This is stupid though. I am not this kind of person. I like to be level, zen.

Emotions are everywhere all the time for any kind of reason.

People can just look at me and I’ll get upset or annoyed.

Maybe I need to be sans people for a while, I don’t know…

Just keep swimming.

I’m third from the right.

We were deep.

I was pretty.

People said I actually looked older for once.

It was my first semi-formal (didn’t go to prom or anything in high school)

But it’ll probably be my last.
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It’s a really pretty day today, the first time the sun has been out all week.

Yesterday was yet another long day. (more…)

Some idiot females claimed they were sexually assaulted at some frat parties recently. My opinion about these kind of situations are harsh I admit, but man…

one police report said, (more…)

What a day today has been!

I guess I shouldn’t even need to write anything given that I wrote the last two entries in the last 24 hours or so…but when the going gets tough, the pseudo tough pretend they’re hard until it all hits the fan. (more…)

Just reading through that last entry…so many things I said that were so…”me”…

Looking back on this past year I’ve learned so much about myself so quickly. I’ve learned how I am in love, in relationships with females, familial relationships…it’s been a lot to grasp in a short amount of time…

Learned so much with the Sorority. Those females really are like family. Your sister is not necessarily your friend, it’s deeper than that. Only a sister, sorority or blood, can really tell you about yourself and make you really feel it. Only a sister can reach you on a level the everyday person can not.

But at the same time though, sometimes you want someone around who is outside all of that. My entire life outside school and family is AKA. Pink and greek everywhere. Chapter rosters and history on display in the room, nalia on display in my room. NPHC, chapter meetings, parties, citywide commitments, I LOVE my AKA, but I live breathe drink smell eat AKA all day every day! (more…)

Thought about the roommate conversation a little more today in lieu of starting all this reading I’ll probably be quizzed on tomorrow.

I have to say, in the past year, my opinion of premarital sex has changed several times.

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On my way to get me a hot dog from Jackets, an overpriced yet quaint little place in the student center, I noticed that pretty much every TV was tuned to a soccer game.

I was like, why is everyone watching soccer? It’s not even close to the world cup…and then a lot of the people watching were AMERICAN too.

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Today was full of interesting experiences, and it’s only 11 o clock!

I got up with every intention of going to my first class today. I even went so far as to go to the building next door, however, I was about 10 minutes late and didn’t want to disturb the class so…yeah.

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According to my roommates, I am the only black person in America that watches the Winter Olympics.

I don’t care through, because they are both entertaining and mind broaden..ing.

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Mr. Walton, oh yeah I’m calling you out, is a ugly, mean ole stinger driver. The kind who would look right at you struggling to get to the bus stop and drive on!

So this afternoon, I’m rushing to get ready as I have ten minutes to get across campus. I usually take the green route round because it drops me closer to my building, but it’d already passed. The original plan was to walk and catch the trolley, but as I was making my way to the stop, I saw the Blue Route approaching.

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…on their cell phones because they don’t feel like talking. And to think I actually used to feel sad because no one used to call me…

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I love my “roomates”.

Most nights, especially on ones when we know we have to get up early the next day, we stay up having philosophical discussions about the most random things…and of course when one is tired, one starts to speak about taboo topics that aren’t usually discussed in the light broad light of day…

And by taboo, I mean sex. Absolutely hilarious discussions about sex made especially spectacular by someone I will call “Keep it real girl”

I will give you a peak into our discussions, just because they are just too funny to keep to ourselves. We’ve been putting them up as facebook quotes, but I think some need explanations. Quotations will be direct quotes (from the best of my memory) from the girls.

Disclaimer: The topics hereafter discussed are not necessarily the opinions of KaNisa. (more…)

So many things to discuss today

- At least one boyfriend gets a KaNisa stamp of Approval
- Black people in IFC or Panhellenic Organizations
- Being greek, the nerdy girl dream
- Re-virginization, Valentines gifts of the new millennium

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Happy Valentines Day/ Single Awareness Day/You might get lucky if you play your cards right, day.

No Valentine this year, but that’s okay.

The girls are painting the town pink (yes i know that was terrible) and I’m sure I’ll have to be the DD, but that’s okay.

It’s going to be an interesting night…Atlanta ain’t ready…but that’s okay.

for those who are struggling…

If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, but make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting, or, being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don’t give way to hating, and yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master; If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster and treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken, and stoop and build ‘em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings and risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings and never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew to serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you except the Will which says to them: “Hold on”;

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue, or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you; If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds’ worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it, and - which is more - you’ll be a Man my son!

I really like blogsome and how customizable it is, but man, blogspot had me spoiled with the automatic saving of drafts…I just finished writing an entire entry…whole thing…gone

sigh…once again though…

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give me a minute to love you
and hours to stare in your face,
a moment to praise your nose,
your hands, your lips, your eyes
and don’t say later.
don’t say tomorrow
because the day’s too busy
because the day’s too hurried
too demanding

give me a week to hold you,
a second to play in you lashes,
a night to kiss your forehead.
your back, your feet and your fingers.
don’t say you’re anxious
because the world is calling,
because the world is heavy.
ever present

just let me soothe you,
let me put you in my mouth and hum sweet tunes,
let me calm that ocean.

give me a day,
give me four and more,
to ease and please you,
let me take the chip from your shoulder
and place it on the nightstand for a while
because you’re lonely
and
I am too…

Jill Scott

Georgia Tech is trying to do some big things.

Every spring they do a thing called “Sting Break.” For the uninformed, it’s a festival that the school hosts in an attempt to help us students not to be so sad about life. During the day, they give out free food and t-shirts and things and at night there’s a free concert.

Last year was Ludacris.

The year before, Bubba Sparxxx.

This year….

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Had an idea…

While waiting for worthy male to come along I thought I might start my own version of a hope chest, not really for the future marriage, but maybe for the next boyfriend I guess. I think I’ll call it my Intimacy Chest.

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This was all right on the nose, which was weired….all I did was click on some colors. Commentary after…

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So life up until 4 or so was pretty productive.

Founders day was nice, well, at least the bit that I went to. Had to leave early to go to…

…Alvin Ailey which was wonderful! The dancers were sensual and graceful, it’s amazing how talented our race is. Had me raising my fist in the air shouting, “BLACK IS BEAUTIFUL!” (Specially this one dude, I know most people think that male dancers are tambourine players, but WHEW good gracious! He MOVED ME!)

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It’s all about youtube.com…

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She’s fine.
She’s sexy she’s cool.
She’s from [Center Street]
And she likes to get loose…

Borrowed from my ace/tail and that hippity hoppity music they listen to…

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Nikki Giovanni

i used to dream militant
dreams of taking
over america to show
these white folks how it should be
done
i used to dream radical dreams
of blowing everyone away with my perceptive powers
of correct analysis
i even used to think i’d be the one
to stop the riot and negotiate the peace
then i awoke and dug
that if i dreamed natural
dreams of being a natural
woman doing what a woman
does when she’s natural
i would have a revolution

So I have this mentor/tutor job through a community service initiative at my school. I usually go twice a week, but my Wednesday girl never came so today I was supposed to get a new one…

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I’m so tired and still have so much work to do.

I wasted an entire day doing nothing but lay in my bed and contemplate life…and then I don’t think I even came to any conclusions.

And I’ve got a presentation tomorrow too…such a slacker…

I’ll take a nap and then do it…procrastination is the best motivator sometimes.

In other news…

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Coretta Scott King

Farewell to My Soror - X

I’ve been scared into eating right.

All I had yesterday was a bagel with Honey Butter from Enstinen’s. It kept me pretty full for the most part as I don’t require that much to fuel me, but for the most part, I usually start to get hungry again around four or so…

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Lindsay Lohan is on the front page of my Vanity Fair magazine. The extra attention grabbing topics were absent, just Lindsay and the headline.

Not that I’m hating on Ms. Lohan, in fact, I’m a fan. I liked her as Anna/Hallie in the Parent Trap. I liked her as Anna in Freaky Friday. Mean girls was also an enjoyable movie. (That’s playing in the student center meaning 50 million guys are surrounding the TV and swearing up and down that they’re not showing homosexual tendencies by doing so).

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Had a talk with a friend today.

She says I hide behind my computer and text messaging to avoid direct contact with males, especially those that I’m attracted to. She also says that it’s not good to do that because people who converse that way either have something to hide or they’re scared…

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What can you say?

Lovely, lovely times so far this weekend.

I promised some people I wouldn’t go into detail about a certain situation, but I will let you ponder this:

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I had an inappropriate dream about my marketing professor.

The strange thing is that I don’t even find him attractive, physically or otherwise…

Not really anyway…

Well…

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Lots of things happening in the world of KaNisa.

Area I: Relationships

I know not to get my hopes up about anything as most of the time it never amounts to anything, thus I am adamant about remaining superficial in most relationships potential or otherwise. Regardless though, I almost have someone to look forward to talking to now, so good times in that not really good times sort of way…
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Codename: Project Macon

The district Alpha convention is in Macon this weekend. Friday they’re having a step show and I’ve rounded up some people to go. At first I was a bit weary because I’m sure the ratio of male to female would be out of control…and them being Greek, they might feel that they are entitled to things. At the same time though, I have faith in my Frat they they would know how to conduct themselves.

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So the day didn’t exactly go as planned.

I ended up skipping that Psychology class just because I stayed up past my bedtime to talk to people. I hate how you’re like okay 1:30…I’m going to bed. 1:45…2:00. I think I finally got to bed around three. Need at least eight hours to function properly; I don’t think I even got that though, it was a topsy turvy night.

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So I’m looking for opportunities to step out of my box and or have fun for once. One may be happening this weekend pending some details, but on the forefront of my calendar is this new little thing my roommate and I came up with. She takes classes at Morehouse just because you can and those classes are full here. Academically, I’m interested in doing the same just because it would be an interesting experience, and the classes I’m looking to take next fall are ones that fill fast as well so….here’s the plan:

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If I hear about one more person getting married…

It seems that the first wave of engagements from high school acquitances is coming through. I know of about five so far, and it seems I learn of a new one every day. It’s hard to imagine some of these people married already, but at the same time, it’s really not. I guess it is common for people to be married soon after graduation, and I keep forgetting that this time next year, I’ll only have a few months left of college myself (scary). (more…)

Look at me America! I have my own domain!

Definitely have room for expansion, but I plan for the site to evolve as I do.

I’ll be trying out different things with the blog too…making sure that topics are varied and interesting. I have a lot of topics written down that I want to write about…

Well just wanted to make a mark. This will be the first and last entry of no consequence (i hope).

The articles and work contained in Lyric’s Corner are personal in nature. For access please email me so that I can have an idea of who is reading my work.

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